Chapter 81 Ivy
Ivy
Icouldn’t breathe. Each time I tried to suck in air, it was tinged with his spicy scent.
The way he watched me reminded me too much of the way he’d stared at me during my magic explosion after Kerry’s death. I could still feel the way he’d held me, the tight protective barrier he’d been. The glue that’d somehow stopped me from falling apart completely.
And now, his words were like a balm to all the panicked, awful, insecure thoughts that ran through my head whenever he was around. They were too perfect, too raw and powerful. I suspected that if my magic were able to break free of the collar, it would be begging for his bond, and I might give in.
It would feel like a betrayal to every fear and promise I’d made to myself if I did. That wasn’t what he was asking of me now, I knew that. He wanted to prove to me that he could be worthy.
But could I really reconcile that with everything he’d done before?
“I will spend the rest of my years proving to you that I mean every word,” he said, barely a breath away from me. I shivered as he placed his hands either side of my hips on the counter, caging me against him. “I will beg on my knees for you every day if that would change how you see me.”
A lump formed in my throat, growing with each breath. “That’s a promise you can’t really keep, Hawk,” I said, voice small—unsure. Not because I didn’t believe my own words, but because the look in his eyes said otherwise.
Slowly, he shook his head. “That’s a promise I can keep. It doesn’t matter if I get my memories back or not. I will make this better.”
Goddess above, I didn’t want to believe him.
That was the only truth I could be sure of.
Because if I did believe him, if I allowed myself a chance to wonder what life could be like with him, and he realised it wasn’t what he wanted, then it would break me in a way I knew I wouldn’t fully recover from.
And yet, without my magic or bonds to influence me, I could also feel a trickle of hope filling my chest. A warmth that wanted to believe him. Maybe Rowan’s theory about his mother’s intervention in Hawk’s memories had some weight, and it was her that made him push me away.
But what if it wasn’t? That thought terrified me.
“I can’t let you hurt me,” I whispered. “Not again.”
Something cracked in his expression, a devastation I’d never seen from him before. “That is the last thing I want to do to you, Ivy,” he replied quietly, desperately. “Not now—not ever. I don’t ever want to hurt you.”
“Then why do you keep trying?”
It had to be the bond. Maybe he felt the pull more now. Maybe—
“Because I’m in love with you,” he said firmly, his tone taking my breath away.
“That is something I can’t lie about—would never lie about.
I feel it here.” He brought a hand to his chest, thumping his fist against his heart.
“Every time I look at you, it fills with this undeniable warmth and hope. There is no one else who has ever made me feel this way, Ivy. No one else who ever could. I have been yours in some way since the very beginning. Obsessed. I know that much. Sometimes when I close my eyes, when I dream of you, all I see is you, in this little green dress—”
“What?” The green dress from the first ever family date night?
The night had started off so well. It’d been perfect. And then it all came crashing down after seeing Hawk in a bar with another female draped across his lap.
That was like a splash of icy water. Shaking my head, I tried to shove away from him, put some distance between us, but his arm went around my midsection, pulling me hard into his chest.
“What?” he asked, voice low. “What did I say?”
“That dress…” My voice came out hoarse, catching in my throat. “I wore that on a night out with the team,” I managed finally. “And then I found you in a bar. You had a woman on your lap, and all you did was look at me. It was before the mate bond made itself known, but it…it hurt.”
Hawk made a pained sound in the back of his throat. “I remember something else from that night,” he said, sounding almost surprised. “I remember my apartment. And the shower. Not being able to get you off my mind.”
I stiffened. “That doesn’t mean anything,” I muttered, shoving at his arm. “Not from you, Hawk.”
His hold on me tightened. “I jacked off to the thought of you in that damned dress, Ivy,” he hissed against my ear.
I went still, heart pounding. “Whenever I think about it, I go hard. Never understood why until now.” I felt his lips scrape against the shell of my ear, the movement sparking something within me.
“You looked beautiful then, and you’re even more beautiful now. ”
My belly fluttered with an all too familiar, traitorous feeling. I squeezed my thighs together against the tingling between them, especially when his mouth moved to my throat.
“I’ll give you anything you want,” he said. “Just don’t break me.”
I shuddered as I sank into his embrace. “The only one with the power to break anyone is you, Hawk.”
He chuckled darkly, the sound hollow and broken. “No,” he replied, the word cracking. “You are the one with all the power in this situation, Princess. I’m not going anywhere.”
I didn’t know what it was about those words that shattered my resolve.
What finally made me believe him. It could have been the way he said the words, the conviction in them.
Maybe it was everything coming together and finally breaking through the wall I’d had up for months.
Or maybe I was just over fighting what I knew was true.
That despite everything, there had been moments—real, undeniable moments—where Hawk had peeled back pieces of my resentment and dislike. Had found ways to make me care about him.
The male was there when I needed him. Protected me despite me thinking he hated me.
He’d shielded me with his own body. Risked himself despite knowing I could hurt him.
Could trust be rebuilt between us? Deep in my heart, I knew the answer to that was yes.
After another moment, Hawk cleared his throat. “Let me at least show you that I can be your partner,” he said, voice stronger than before. “Let me help you.”
I drew in a sharp breath as he released me. “How?” I asked, missing his warmth almost immediately.
“By helping you wash your potatoes, of course.”
My entire body felt alight with a fire I couldn’t extinguish, not after the last few hours spent existing with Hawk and not feeling the same weight of tension from before the memory wipe. It was almost like getting to know Thor or Xerxes, like experiencing a new mate for the first time.
And for some reason, I wasn’t ready for it to end.
My heart pounded as I hesitated outside Hawk’s door. It became a war within me, two sides battling about what I should do.
Knock and accept him?
Turn and walk away?
The past and the present warred within me, crashing together with no clear winner in sight.
But I knew what I wanted—what I needed. And now felt right.
I knocked, my knuckles cracking against the dark wood three times. Each breath I waited had my heart pounding harder. I couldn’t hear the storm outside the manor beyond the thrumming of blood in my ears. Anticipation swelled within me, but so did fear.
The door opened a crack, revealing a shirtless Hawk. Smooth, tanned skin, blemished by a few raised scars. Surprise flickered in his dark eyes as he stepped back, opening the door wide for me.
“Is something wrong?” he asked, sounding worried. A crease appeared between his brows as he ran his eyes over my body, assessing me not in a lustful way, but with clear panic. “What—”
I stepped into his room and closed the door behind me. The space was unfinished, though it mirrored all the other rooms on this floor set up for my mates; king sized bed against the far wall with windows either side of it, a canopy with no curtain, and ensuite bathroom hidden behind a closed door.
“Prove it,” I stated, leaning against the closed door, my heart pounding harder. “Prove everything you said to me this afternoon. Prove to me you want to actually be bonded.”
Something shifted in the darkness of his eyes as he stepped back, chest heaving as he drew in a deep breath. “You want me on my knees, Princess?”
A shiver prickled my skin, belly fluttering. “I want you to crawl to me. Show me how sorry you are for everything you’ve put me through.”
Part of me expected him to hesitate or deny doing it altogether. That would tell me enough about how badly he wanted to mend things between us.
But it took me by surprise, watching him lower himself to his knees. My breaths came faster as he planted his hands on the ground, staring up at me through his thick lashes.
“I am sorry for saying I never wanted to bond you.” One crawling step.
“I am sorry for being a jackass and showing you how fucking horrible I am.” Another.
My heart hammered against my ribs. “I am sorry for not being the mate you deserve. For showing you how unworthy I was.” He was almost at my feet, still watching me.
Something about it lit a flame, burning brighter the closer he got.
“I am sorry for not accepting our bond sooner.” Another, putting him almost within reach. “But most of all, I am sorry for losing my memories so that I couldn’t properly apologise for everything that I’ve done to you.” Stopping at my feet, he sat back, hands on his knees.
There was a vulnerability to the way he looked up at me. A sincerity that made my heart skip a beat before pounding harder.
“If you want me to repeat that in front of everyone,” he said, voice low, “then I will. I would do it again in front of your entire realm if you asked that of me.”
My fingers twitched towards his face as a shiver rolled down my spine. “That won’t be necessary.”
Hope flickered in the dark depths of his eyes. “Do you accept my apologies, my Queen?” he asked, rising on his knees, face inching closer to the apex of my thighs. “Or is there another way I can show you exactly how badly I feel?”