Chapter forty
My mind woke before my eyes opened.
I felt the empty sheets between my fingers.
Aris had left.
I fluttered my eyes open, wondering where Aris had gone.
Last night—or I should say, this morning—was the sweetest moments I’d ever experienced. Not only did we make love once, twice, three times throughout the night, he had searched for me through the sheets, held me, and loved me. I smiled thinking about how much he had hesitated, his brows furrowed, expressing concern since it was my first time, but my body needed it like it was craving him. As if it had been starved for too long.
My face flushed from it all.
I felt complete.
Whole.
I bit my lower lip just thinking about what he did to me, how he made me feel.
Searching for answers, I looked around until my eyes landed on a note that was left near the side of the bed I lay on.
I picked up the note and read its contents:
My uncle sent for me early this morning.
I didn’t want to wake you.
Enjoy your day.
Aris – stupid, arrogant emperor.
I let out a laugh.
My toes curled under the sheets, thinking of exactly how I wanted to spend my day with him between my legs.
Immediately upon thinking of it, my body ached.
Not for him, but from how much sex we had. I felt raw between my throbbing legs. A new pain I’d never experienced before. But a pain that was so, so worth it.
Ripping the sheets from my body, my breath caught in my throat when I saw it.
A small, stained color on the sheets.
Blood. My blood.
A smile spread across my face.
It had never felt so good to break a vow I made to myself.
Tugging all the corners of the sheets, I pulled them off for cleaning.
Shortly after, I made my way to the healer’s apothecary.
Slowly, I descended the stone staircase until I reached the servants quarters.
It was a strange feeling trying to walk normally.
All I wanted was to be with Aris, curled up against him between his sheets and maybe put some cool cloths between my legs.
“Solei!”
Nirelle almost passed me.
I shared the news of the freedom papers with her and Maeri the day before in between Aris’ visits back to his room, but nothing had changed besides them getting paid.
“I’m not sure what you’re up to today but”—she gently squeezed my hands in hers—“why don’t we take the day off and go to the river together? We can celebrate!”
“That would be perfect.
Where is Maeri?”
“I’m not sure.
I’ve been looking for the both of you, thinking you’ve been up to no good together.”
It was my turn to let out a chuckle.
“No, I haven’t seen her.”
“I have a feeling that she’s with her lover.”
I gave her a raised brow in question.
“I figured she’s been disappearing with him.”
Nirelle rolled her eyes.
“Ah, the missing servant,”
Sebry said, turning from the kitchen.
Sebry grazed her eyes up and down, causing me to mentally check in with my legs, ensuring they didn’t appear as weak as they felt.
I gave her a smile in response as I finished packing our bag, ignoring her comment.
“We’re heading to the river today during the celebrations for the emperor’s mother.
Would you like to join? There won’t be any extra chores until tomorrow morning,”
Nirelle offered.
“Sure.
Why not? They won’t be noticing the difference anyway.
I need the extra cleaning and sunbathing.
Getting stuck in this palace for too long sometimes makes me look too pale. My parents would be appalled if they were to get a good look at me with my lighter skin.”
She slid her eyes to me and narrowed them.
“But you have some explaining to do, silent one.
Where have you been? You haven’t slept in your chambers the last couple nights.
The whole palace knows you haven’t been here or there.
Why, I wonder if you’ve still kept up with your usual chores in the morning for the emperor. Or should I say, with the emperor.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Sebry.
I’ve been given my own private chambers as Peter’s assistant since I’m rarely here with the others.
But I think we should bring food.
I’m famished.”
We walked out together towards the kitchen as my stomach growled for breakfast.
“I wonder why,”
Sebry pressed.
“Is it because you’ve been missing all the meals or is it because of certain activities that you’ve been up to that the whole palace can hear?”
“They did not.”
I whirled around, feeling the blood drain from my face.
“No, but you just answered my question.”
A mischievous smile spread across Sebry’s face.
I clicked my tongue and elbowed her.
“Sebry! That’s not funny!”
Nirelle and Sebry laughed in unison as we snatched some fresh breads and roasted nuts for our river day.
My face couldn’t get more red.
“Not as funny as the way you’re walking right now, silent one.”
Nirelle burst out in laughter, filling the entire kitchen.
I was completely mortified.
My entire body turned as red as a berry.
The rest of the day consisted of Nirelle and Sebry teasing for my whereabouts the last couple days, but neither one of them could get it out of me no matter how accurate their assumptions were.
Even though I wanted to tell them more than anything, I wasn’t yet ready to let the whole world know Aris was giving me attention.
I wasn’t ready to let these peaceful moments between him and me go.
I wasn’t ready.
As soon as we reached the quiet, vacant river and left our garments behind us, I felt a heavy silence around me.
It was the way they were staring at me.
I looked down at my body.
Was there something that showed them I just had sex? And a lot of it?
Did I have blood running down my legs? No.
I looked behind me, and they kept staring at me.
“What?”
I asked.
They were making me uncomfortable.
“What is it?”
“Solei…”
Nirelle barely whispered.
“You’re scaring me.
What’s wrong?”
I pressed.
Sebry lowered her head.
Nirelle approached me, and her eyes dropped to my left arm.
To my brand.
Oh.
Nirelle swallowed as she touched my shoulder.
I flinched and looked elsewhere.
“When did this happen to you, Solei?”
Nirelle spoke in soft tones.
“It’s fine, Nirelle.
It happened about three months ago.
It’s in the past now.”
I waved a hand and shut down the conversation.
“Who’s hungry?”
“No, it’s not fine.
What happened?”
Nirelle demanded.
I could see Sebry was uncomfortable and was staying behind us.
I could feel her heavy stare.
I felt bad for her.
She probably thought I hated them even though it had nothing to do with her people.
“The Strokans happened,”
I stated plainly.
“They were trying to teach Aris a lesson to remind him I belong to them and them only.
To teach Aris a lesson for killing Tobias.
They wanted to do this so I didn’t question who owned me.
It was a game to them, and I was just a piece of it. Nothing more.”
“But Solei…”
“I’m okay, really.
You don’t have anything to worry about.
I barely notice it now, anyway.”
Sebry stepped forward, and to my surprise, she gathered me in her arms and didn’t say a word.
“I’m okay, Sebry.
I—I promise.
There’s no need—”
Sebry tightened her embrace, and Nirelle hugged me from behind.
I almost cried, and I didn’t know why.
My eyes stung.
I didn’t realize I still felt a certain way about this brand.
I had buried it deep.
I felt seen and heard beyond the lies I spilled.
They saw right through me, and they didn’t care if I lied.
They only wanted to be there for me.
We didn’t speak of it again.
On our way back, the palace glowed from afar.
There were candles within illuminating the windows, and we could see the party dying down as people started to enter their carriages before departing.
I smiled to myself as I walked in the direction of his room to the far right of the palace.
Entering Aris’ chambers, it was warm but empty.
He was still gone entertaining people and most likely spending time with his mother.
I wondered how Aris felt about his mother leaving tomorrow.
I wondered if it was difficult for him to see Acantha leaving, knowing she was going back to that torturous man.
Something caught my eye on the table near the back window.
A stack of brown papers.
Usually, he kept things like that in his study, away from prying eyes.
My father hadn’t been worried about my tendencies for no reason; he knew I was a curious woman.
I stepped towards the papers lying on the table near the back window where we had dinner the night before.
Carefully, I glanced over the tan speckled papers knowing this was invading his private matters, and in doing so could be treason.
But they were right here.
In front of me. I had to look. I had to see—
My hands scattered the papers on the small table so I could see them more clearly.
Heart pounding against my chest at what I saw on them.
What is he planning?
My breath stopped, and I threw my hand up, covering my mouth.
War, war, war was scattered all over the pages.
Not just any war.
I knew I’d seen too much.
I knew I wasn’t intended to see this—perhaps no one was.
With my hands shaking uncontrollably, I couldn’t manage to place them exactly how I had found them.
Screw it.
I didn’t care if he knew I saw them.
My jaw clenched and I dropped the scattered papers as I fled the room.
I can never forget this.
He wasn’t for peace like he said.
He wanted war and to conquer.
Despite everything he had told me, he wanted more war.
He lied to me.
The man I thought I knew was fading.
All he wanted was bloodshed.
He wanted death.
I would never be able to stand by this brutality.
How could he do this? I walked back on unsteady legs to my chambers for the first time in a few days.
Why would he want this?
Sweat accumulated on my forehead.
I was going to be sick.
My brother died because of rivalry, bloodshed, and war.
Aris and I bonded over my brother’s death. I thought Aris understood what loss meant.
My stomach threatened to drop to the floor.
A tear escaped my eye as I absently passed the hallways.
I didn’t think I could do this anymore.
I couldn’t support this.
I wouldn’t.
Could it be I didn’t know who he was? That he was an entirely different person than I had thought?
I quickened my footsteps and sprinted across the next hallway.
Gods, I was an idiot— a fool! How could I have been so blind?
My eyes filled with tears when I turned a fuzzy corner, running into Maeri.
She caught ahold of my elbows.
“Solei, there you are! I’ve been looking for you.”
Her eyes seemed to be glistening, but it was hard to see through my own blurriness.
“What’s wrong? What’s happened?”
She pulled me down the next hallway and into an empty chamber.
It was dark, and the only light came from the hallway outside.
Maeri looked both ways before she shut the door.
My eyes adjusted.
“What is it? Why are you crying?”
“I—I can’t explain.”
I wiped the tears from my cheeks, but more continued to flow.
“I’m just a mess.
I don’t—I don’t understand anything, anymore.”
Oh, gods.
I wasn’t making any sense.
“Let’s sit down.”
Maeri pulled me to the chamber’s couch in front of the unlit fireplace.
“What do you not understand?”
“I don’t understand him.
He isn’t who I thought he was or is.
I…I’m so confused, Maeri.”
I sniffled and wiped another hand across my damp face.
“Shhh, tell me what happened, sweet Solei.”
“I gave him everything.
I trusted him.”
“I know you did. I know.”
She held me, rocking me slowly for a while.
“I don’t think I can even trust myself…”
I broke again.
“I don’t know what’s right and what’s wrong.
What’s black and what’s white.”
Maeri squeezed my shoulders.
“Sometimes we forget, but we can’t blame ourselves.
It’s human nature.
It’s what keeps life interesting, right?”
Some time passed, but then Maeri’s body tensed, and I could feel her heart racing.
“I think maybe going away will do you some good.
Just for a little while.
What do you think?”
“Where would I go?”
I whispered, not sure if I wanted that.
Didn’t Aris wonder if I was going to leave him after handing me the freedom papers? I couldn’t do that to him.
But then again, how could he do this to me?
“I have a friend that could take you,”
Maeri explained.
“But they’re leaving after the celebrations tonight.
We’d have to rush there quickly since it’s ending soon.”
“Are you sure they’d take me?”
My brows furrowed.
“Oh, absolutely! It’s not a problem.
In fact, why don’t you go and meet them right now? I’ll be right behind you.
I’m going to pack some of your things for you,”
Maeri offered.
“Oh.
Okay, that works.”
“You should probably go now, catch them before they’re gone.”
She squeezed my arms in reassurance.
“Alright.
I’ll head there now, then.”
“Let’s meet at the stables.
I’ll go get Nirelle, and we’ll grab as much as we can for you.
We’ll say our goodbyes…for now.”
“Thank you for helping me… You don’t know how much this means to me.”
Maeri nodded, but her eyes were glistening.
“Anything for you.”
“Don’t cry, Maeri.”
“I can’t help it.
You—you’ve been such a good friend.”
“You too.
The best.”
I wiped the last tears from my eyes so I could see her more clearly.
“But this isn’t a forever goodbye… It’s just time for me to think for a while.
You’re right.
I think I need this.”
I wrapped my arms around her once more before we both parted ways.
It was the darkest part of the night, and the stars were glowing with no moon in sight.
I heard the grass and sticks crush under my boots as I followed the path to the stables near the palace.
From behind me, I could see a few guests leaving Aris’ celebration on carriages.
Drunken laughter pierced the air, and it sent a crawling sensation down my spine.
I should have listened to the voices… The voices in my head that told me I was going too far had left because I forced them out.
He was a warrior—a deadly warrior.
My breath faltered as I carried on with weak steps towards the hidden stables.
I could see Maeri through the windows in the barely lit stables inside, waiting for me.
That was quick.
She must have really wanted to make sure she was here before I left.
Her brows were knitted together, her cheekbones sharp against the dim torches.
She was the best friend I had ever known in my life.
And here I was, leaving her for my own selfish reasons.
I didn’t deserve her.
Pushing the door to the side, I walked in the creaking stables, and Maeri’s face was painful to look at.
My lips parted.
Something was wrong.
Maeri took a step forward toward me. “I—”
A noise behind me told me we weren’t alone.
I whirled around just in time for someone to grab my waist and another man to place a rope between my teeth.
Rough, large hands gripped my arms.
My eyes widened. I looked at Maeri, who was now shaking with tears pouring down her face.
“I—I’m so sorry, Solei—”
A voice thundered through the stables, interrupting Maeri.
“You did exactly as I asked, Maeri.
Well done, my sweet.”
From the darkness in the corner, a shadow approached us, and finally the starlight showed his face.
“We’ll handle it from here.”
My breath caught in my throat.
Helon.