Chapter forty-four
Istopped counting full moons, not because I forgot how to count—because I didn’t—but because I forgot what the beginning was.
From what point had I been counting moons? Why was I counting moons?
I didn’t remember why, and so I stopped.
I had a life here, whatever that meant.
I would see the same people walk through the markets, the same wide-eyed fearful women and children running back and forth.
They’d always try to poke Rubert and I with sticks or throw stones and scraps at us.
I’d stare down at my body, as if I’d never observed it so closely before.
I could clearly see my bones through my skin, the veins that flowed up and down my arms.
It was interesting, in a way.
Every once in a while, there would be a clan with musicians, and I’d always loved to hear them.
My body would sway with the rhythm, but it would make people uneasy, and they’d move somewhere else.
Rubert would grunt at me and shake his head.
I stuck my tongue out at him to mind his own business. But the sounds, the music, it sounded almost beautiful.
A flash came through my mind of two other women teaching me how to move my body.
But I shoved the memory deep, deep down.
I wasn’t up for exploring my mind today and receiving headaches as a consequence.
A few hours went by as I stared at the gray wall behind us, holding my arms for warmth, when a woman nearby said, “Solei.”
It sounded familiar.
Not what she said, but the voice.
“You witch,”
the voice hissed.
Ah, she’s addressing me.
I turned my neck to see who dared approach an Insulatus.
It wasn’t her pretty face, but the scent that hit me first.
Rosemary. Sweet.
Who was she? I cocked my head to the side, trying to gather a distant memory.
Pain and death.
My hand went to my throat, but nothing came to me.
I gave her an empty stare.
“You don’t remember because—”
The woman laughed.
“Because you’re gone.”
And laughed louder.
I hated her for it.
She was right.
I heard Rubert making a movement to the left of me.
He could get a little defensive sometimes.
She was pretty, had scrapes on her face and whip lashings on her shoulder, but she was pretty in her own way.
“You’re an Insulatus now.
You’ll get what you deserve,”
she said through yellow teeth.
“Because I didn’t forget.”
It wasn’t because I was weak that I didn’t respond in time, but it was because I wasn’t used to someone having enough balls to attack an Insulatus.
The woman grabbed me by my overgrown hair and pulled it through the bars.
My eyebrow slammed into the metal bars, and I thrashed to get away from her.
The woman slipped something around my throat and yanked it towards her.
It felt like a leather belt of some sort, depriving my throat of air.
This felt familiar.
“I will never forget, Solei.
I will never forget what you did, what I endured because of you,”
she hissed in my ear.
I gripped for the leather strap suffocating my airflow.
I’d done this before.
She’d tried to kill me before.
Before.
I didn’t have the energy to fight for my life.
It was so hard—
And I was so tired.
I grappled for her hair behind her face and pulled as hard as I could until her head smashed the bars near mine.
The woman only held onto the leather strap harder and harder when her head jerked to the left of me, flying into the bars.
My chest searched for breath as I glanced over to Rubert, who had an arm around the woman’s throat, and he whispered to her.
Her eyes were filled with fear, and her body trembled.
She nodded her head insistently to whatever he spat in her head.
He let her go—but only for a moment, before he yanked her head back into the bars ten times stronger than I did.
I heard a crack, and she screamed, begging for her life, until Rubert let her go.
She scrambled on the dry dirt and ran from the square as quickly as she could.
I felt something wet on my throat.
Touching it, I found bright red blood that poured from my throat and dripped into my now brown tunic.
I didn’t realize I got injured by her.
I didn’t realize I was in pain. I didn’t feel the pain. Rubbing the color between my fingers, I glanced at Rubert, who merely shrugged and gave another grunt.
That was exciting.
I smiled to myself and to Rubert.
Not because my life had become rather boring but because a name came to mind.
Klawdia.
Exhausted, I pulled my withered body to the ground near Rubert.
We breathed heavily in unison from the sudden exertion.
Once my breath settled, I heard Rubert’s slow down even more than mine.
I looked over, and his eyes were closed. I punched a fist over to his arm, and he barely gave me a grunt.
I gave him a chuckle.
Me too, I thought.
I wanted to say thank you, but I thought he understood.
He saved my life. It was surprising that anyone, even someone like Rubert, felt like my life was worth saving.
I wondered for a moment if I’d do the same for him.
I would, I thought.
He was a life worth saving.
“There was a man who was here once…a long time ago.
He looked like you.”
Rubert spoke for the first time in days.
My heart thudded.
I didn’t know who he spoke of, but there was a tug in my heart—I needed to know who it was.
“I—I would bring him food sometimes.
He was a kind young man….”
A dark shadow flickered across his eyes.
“He only made it a few months before…”
Before what? I wanted to ask.
But I couldn’t bring myself to it.
I didn’t really want to know.
A few nights later, the moon had returned brighter than before.
The air was cold, smelling like winter, but the smoke had disappeared for the night, and it was beautiful to watch.
Rubert must have been watching too, because he reached for my frigid hand, and I obliged.
He pressed something into my hand.
“Here, eat.”
Looking down at my palm, I found a piece of bread filled with nuts inside.
I shook my head and reached back through the bars, but he waved his hand in the air.
“A young prince”—his voice hoarse—“once gave me bread when I needed some.
He had everything and saw me.
He saw me.”
He looked into my eyes.
“I have everything I need here, and I want you to have it.”
I shook my head, brows furrowed.
I was confused at what he was saying.
I took the piece of bread with nuts inside and stuffed it in my trouser pockets.
I wasn’t going to argue with him. I would keep it for us on a rainy day. The blood that licked around my neck had completely dried, but somehow, I could tell the infection had started. With no clean water to sanitize the wound, I knew this was going to be a long journey—one that might end with me in the ground.
Fenrah.
Another name appeared in my mind.
She was the one who taught me medicine.
I wondered for a moment where she was in this world—if she was even alive.
The next morning, the guards were taking their usual rounds, checking on the Insulatus.
They were far away, but I could see they were making their way up here.
They grabbed a couple of us and stabbed into their rib cages.
None of them screamed; they were already dead.
Good.
I elbowed Rubert to alert him, but he didn’t grunt like he always did.
Sometimes this old man could sleep like a rock.
I swung another into his arm, more powerfully, and there was no sound.
Stupid fuck.
What is he doing?
I slapped his face, but there was no flinch.
My breath stopped.
The world stopped spinning.
I swallowed and grabbed his tunic.
I pulled him close.
“Wake up.
I know you’re awake.
This isn’t funny.”
My voice was deep and hoarse.
I almost forgot what it was like to speak after so long of not doing so.
His face didn’t move.
The guards were getting nearer.
“Rubert, do not leave me here.”
I shook him.
“I can’t do this without you, Rubert.”
No answer.
“Please.”
A tear rolled down my face.
I began to tremble.
I couldn’t get a good enough grip on him.
I just needed him closer so I could wake him because he was asleep. I knew he was.
I twisted my body to get a better hold on his neck and shoulders.
His old, withering body wouldn’t move.
I panicked.
“Wake up, Rubert.
I beg you—don’t go.”
A sob came out of my hoarse throat.
“I know you can hear me, you son of a bitch,”
I nearly screamed in his ear.
“Don’t do this.
I will kill you for this in the next life.
I’ll find you and kill you if you do this to me, Rubert.
I swear it on my life.”
I shook him persistently.
Tears of love I didn’t realize I had poured out of my eyes.
Wake up, wake up, wake up.
I let out a sob, and it didn’t stop.
Rubert.
You son of a bitch.