Chapter 16 #2
Despite Edward’s rejection of her premise, she had every right to feel that way. After all, he had rejected her. He had refused to admit any feelings whatsoever. And he had only realized his mistakes when he saw her dancing with Lord Grundon.
I wish I could ease her fears. I really do. But it is not that simple…
Why did Edward want to marry Celestine? Everything that he knew about himself should have been enough to confirm that this was the worst idea he’d ever had. He did not do romance. He did not do love. He certainly did not do marriage!
“You are right,” he said simply. “Everything you know of me…” A shake of the head. “You have every reason not to trust me. Although, I cannot help but think you do not know me as well as you think.”
“But I do,” she said, her voice pleading. “And that is the problem.”
“No, you do not.” Slowly, he started towards her. “What you think you know is that I am a rake and a scoundrel. That I abhor marriage because I covet my life as a bachelor. You think I am the worst of people.”
“I know you are not,” she said. “But I know too that you want people to think that about you.”
“Did you ever stop to ask why that is?”
She started, confusion passing behind her eyes. “I just assumed… that is who you are.”
He reached her and where he wanted to take her hands, he resisted the urge. Rather, he just looked down at her. Gone was the confidence. Gone was the arrogance. He made her look behind his walls, through his shell, and to the true him.
“I was never meant to be a duke,” he said. “That was for my older brother, and I never once begrudged him for it. But when he died…” A pang of guilt stabbed his chest. “When he died, I inherited what I did not want. Worse than that, I inherited my family’s debts.”
“I had no idea.”
“I never wanted to be what my father was, having seen what that does to a man.” He chuckled bitterly.
“Nor did I want to pretend. I was raised in a home where marriage was little more than a contract, an expectation, the type that so long as others saw you one way, then the truth did not matter. What is more, I hated that you could be the worst of people, but if the ton saw you playing your role, then they did not care. As if marriage was all which mattered.”
Her brow was furrowed, her expression was tight, but he saw hope pass behind her eyes. She wanted to believe him…
“So, I made a decision,” he continued. “I would not play their games. In fact, I would be the best man I could be, while pretending to be the worst.” He laughed. “A tad immature, I must admit, but it brought me solitude and it brought me peace.”
“What changed?” she asked.
“Isn’t that obvious?” He took her hands and she did not resist. He held them tight, standing before her, looking down at her with absolute truth in his eyes. “You are right, Celestine, I do not love you, and I will not lie.”
A smirk touched her lips. “Now that, I do believe.”
“But after our engagement ended, I came to realize that all I had done and all that I was, it had not made me happy. If anything, it turned me into a different sort of version to my father. I was bitter and resentful, and while I hated how the ton saw me, I feared showing myself to be any different. I was lonely,” he said.
“And it wasn’t until after you left that I realized how much I was. ”
“So, I am just a cure to your loneliness?” she asked the question with a smirk, as if daring him to agree.
He chuckled. “You say that you do not know me, but you know me more than most. With you, I was more myself than I had been with anyone before. Yes, when I saw Lord Grundon dancing with you, I was jealous, I will not deny it. But I was also miserable because I realized that I had become my own worst enemy.”
“But what happens next?” she pressed. “What happens when you realize that you were happier alone?”
“Do you really think that will happen?”
“I do not know,” she said truthfully. “What I do know is that men say one thing but do another. I want to trust you, Edward, but I do not know if I can.”
“Trust?” He frowned but paired it with a playful smile. “Celestine, you should know that I am the only person who you can trust.”
“And why is that?”
“Because…” He squeezed her hands and allowed his eyes to roam her. “Because you have seen me at my weakest and most vulnerable. I’ve had two days to consider what we are doing, and do you want to know what I came to realize in that time?”
“Tell me.” Her cheeks colored slightly as she caught his eyes roaming her.
“How about I show you?”
“What do you –”
Before she could finish, Edward pulled her forward and planted a kiss on her lips.
It clearly caught her by surprise, and he thought that she was going to pull away. But as the kiss settled, Celestine let it take her, and then she gave herself to him completely.
Had Edward any doubts about this marriage, that kiss put them fully to bed. He felt that same fire erupt that he had imagined now for two whole days. He felt that same hunger engulf him. He held her hands, he kissed her on the lips, and he let that kiss show just how much he wanted their marriage.
The kiss spread from their lips through their bodies and wrapped around them so the world faded. Their mouths parted. Their tongues danced. A soft moan escaped from Celestine as she melted. As much as he needed that kiss to confirm his own feelings, she needed it too.
When he parted, he saw the smile on her face, as he saw the flush ripple across her body.
“That… that was not an answer,” she said, her breathing heavy.
“Wasn’t it?” he said with a raised eyebrow. “I do not know what to expect from this marriage, Celestine, but I am excited to find out. And from that look in your eyes, I sense you are of the same mind.”
“Look?” She pretended to look away. “What look?”
“One that tells me you are thinking about my fingers right now and what they might do to you.”
Her eyes widened. “Edward! That is not…” She glanced around the garden to make sure they were alone.
“You can trust me, Celestine,” he said. “I do not know what I want, but trust that I will never lie to you about it.”
“I think that I believe you,” she said, biting into her lip.
He chuckled. “For now, that will have to do. Now…” He let go of her left hand but held onto her right. “Might we finish this walk? Soon, your mother is going to come looking for us, and I would hate for her to see me taking advantage of you.”
She rolled her eyes. “Maybe that will be a good thing? Then, she might insist on ending this marriage herself.”
“Come now,” he laughed. “I know that is the last thing you want. No more lies, remember.”
She laughed as she fell in beside him and together they resumed their walk through the garden.
It had been a strange conversation, and Edward reflected on it quietly as they walked. Not what he expected, but also necessary. As confused as Celestine was, Edward was much the same, and he knew too that such confusions were sure to continue.
But if they remained truthful to one another, then they might overcome their confusion together.
Besides, as difficult as married life was sure to be, that kiss alone confirmed that it would be worth it.
What was more, it confirmed that next time, a mere kiss would certainly not be enough to satisfy.