Chapter 13
Thirteen
All the nights with Cecil, talking until the sun was about to rise had accomplished the one thing she had not fully anticipated—she had fallen in love and her heart ached with the very idea of leaving Cecil behind.
Of course, Nicoll was just as certain that he saw her as a friend that he enjoyed kissing.
Except, he had said he wanted to know her better and his kisses…Nicoll sighed as she waited for his arrival. They made her long for so much more and tonight, she was going to ask for what she truly desired. If she could never have his heart, would she at least be able to experience his body?
She swiped her sweaty palms on her skirt and tried to prepare herself for his rejection.
When she had asked for a kiss in Jersy, she had not even given the matter thought before the request left her lips, unlike now when she had days to think about what she wanted and agonized over how she would go about her request. But, if she didn’t act soon, she might run out of time.
As soon as he climbed from the window, Nicoll poured a glass of brandy and handed it to him as he approached. He greeted her with a kiss, one of caring and what she assumed a husband might bestow upon his wife at the end of a long day.
He took her hand and pulled her to the settee, where they spent every night, and Nicoll blew out a sigh once she took her place.
“What is on your mind, Nicoll? Has Retford made further claims or bothered you?”
“No.” She chuckled and looked down, studying the amber liquid in her glass. “Do you recall our conversation on Jersey when I said that there were two matters that have me quite curious? One, I could not pursue, however, the other I could…the kiss from you?”
“I recall,” he answered slowly. “I also remember wondering what the second experience was.”
Nicoll’s face burned. “An experience of a more intimate nature. One that a miss should never consider and certainly never enjoy without the benefits of marriage. But I am also a spinster of seven and twenty, with no hope of marriage in my future, so why should I be denied what bachelors can enjoy every day if they so choose.” She bit her bottom lip and snuck a glance at him to gauge his reaction.
He appeared humored, which did not help increase her confidence.
“I think that it is only fair that I am at least informed.” She straightened her spine. “In fact, if I knew how to go about it, I would be seducing you.”
There, she had asked and now it was up to Cecil to decide if he would comply or leave.
Nicoll lifted her glass and took a deep drink, hoping the brandy would calm her nerves.
Was she asking him to seduce her because she was not certain how to seduce him?
Then again, should he really be surprised? She had been the one to first ask him for a kiss.
Clearly Nicoll had no idea of her effect on him and how hard it had been to leave her every morning having shared only kisses when he desired much more.
“If I were to comply with your request, you will be ruined.”
“Why should that matter? No one will ever know other than you.”
“Nicoll...I…” He did not want to reject her and Cecil couldn’t believe that he was going to do that very thing, but this was not how he wanted it to be between them.
“Cecil, you are a rake, therefore, I am certain that women have asked this of you before.”
“Yes, but not an innocent.”
“That is what bothers you?”
“Yes!” he gasped.
“Why should it bother you if it does not bother me?”
“Because…well...”
“You are not taking anything that I am not willing to offer.”
His heart pounded against his chest and passion and reason warred within his mind.
If he let desire rule, they would no longer be talking and he would have Nicoll lying on the settee while he covered her body in kisses as he lifted her skirts.
In fact, he thought of nothing else when he lay alone in his bed, but this was not how he wanted it between them.
She wanted to experiment. She wanted to know what happened between a man and a woman.
An experience just as she had never experienced a kiss.
It wasn’t passion or desire for him. Or, so, he did not think, or she would have kissed him and set about seducing him, even if she didn’t believe that she knew how.
Passion was not ruling her right now, but a desire to…learn.
“Why? Why me? Why now?”
Her smile slipped. “Because I trust you,” she answered quietly.
And that was the very reason why he should not accept your offer. “Trust, is that the only reason?”
“I suppose it is because I want you. I do enjoy our kisses and the strangest sensations occur within my body, which I can only assume is perhaps passion.”
At least she physically wanted him and intimacy was not simply a curiosity.
“You are quite pleasing to look upon. There is much I admire in your form. And, you are a rake, with much experience and I assume that you are quite skilled and therefore I will not be left disappointed. That is why I asked you and nobody else,” she answered.
Nicoll had managed to flatter and insult him at the same time, even if she did speak the truth about his reputation and he was quite skilled…
Blast!
“You do not need to worry about me forming an emotional attachment as you might with another innocent.”
This last sentence drove a knife into his heart.
He had been falling in love with her and she was curious about intimacy.
“I am sorry, Nicoll. I cannot be the lover you seek.”
He then placed his glass on the table and then left the home by way of the window. It was the first time he had not kissed her goodbye.