Chapter Twelve
THE DESERT AIR OF NAMJA wraps around me like a warm embrace as I stand on the private balcony of one of the guest suites in the royal palace. It's been two weeks since I had left Hartland. Two weeks since I last cried. Two weeks since Ronan broke my heart and shattered my dreams.
Did you want me the first time because I look like your ex?
I still remember how he had stared at me, and how the raw look on his handsome face had given me all the answers I didn't want to hear even when he had yet to say a word.
"Your tea is here, milady."
The attendant's soft accented English draws me out of my thoughts, and I turn around to muster up a smile of thanks even when I still feel numb. The only time my heart starts beating again is when I feel my daughter kick inside of me...or when it starts to ache so, so badly every time I'm alone in my room at night, and I'm crying out to God.
Help me.
Please.
I can't do this alone.
I tuck my knees under my chin as I watch the sun set, and all I can think of is how God is still so good to me. I don't even know why this surprises me after everything, but it does.
It's because of God that I have friends like Story and Raj. They had taken one look at me in that hospital room, and they had immediately flown me out of Hartland, their tone gentle but brooking no argument as they told me I needed time to rest and heal.
Heartache can't possibly be good for the baby, but the royal physician had run some tests yesterday, and he had assured me that there was nothing to worry about.
Blake and Thornton had given me a ring a couple of days ago, and my boss had gruffly assured me that I could come back to work for them anytime. I wish I could, really. But every time I think about having to run into him...
My fingers tremble as I reach for my tea. It slowly runs down my throat as I take a sip, but its heat and strong taste are no longer capable of distracting me from my pain.
"I want to forget him, God."
The words escape my lips like a prayer, but only silence answers me. I've been waiting—night after night—for that gentle voice of guidance I've come to rely on. But there's nothing. Just the endless desert wind and the hollow ache in my chest.
"I don't think we'll ever work. There's too much baggage."
I wait, hoping for some sign, some whisper of direction, but God remains quiet.
"Please talk to me."
My voice breaks on the last word.
Please.
Night falls across Namja, the evening skies made bright by stars that seem so exquisitely close, that it almost feels like I can reach and pluck them out from the heavens. An attendant brings me dinner, and it's a veritable feast. I'm sure it all tastes good, but I find myself eating only for my daughter's sake.
And after that, I lie back on my very comfortable bed, thinking that it's going to be another sleepless night.
But it's not.
When I turn to lie on my side and face the outside world through the sliding doors of the balcony, I feel something inside of me slowly peeling away. It takes me a while to realize that it's the shock of Ronan's deception finally wearing off, and the pain of our breakup is no longer enough to keep my heart from beating the way it used to.
My mind starts working more clearly, and a choked sob slips past my lips when I start seeing and hearing things I couldn't see and hear before.
I'm sorry, God.
I was so lost in my pain that all I cared about was what I wanted.
What I thought was right.
It was all about me.
I was acting like You didn't know these things would happen.
Or that You wouldn't know how to comfort me.
A part of me is terrified all I'll still hear is silence. But I realize a moment later that's just the devil wanting to deceive me, and as soon as I start to believe that I will hear from my Father in Heaven—-
I have always been by your side, child.
That's exactly what happens, faith tearing past the web of deception the enemy has done its best to weave around my mind and heart.
And I never stopped talking.
But you were too busy talking yourself to hear Me.
A choked laugh escapes me at His tone, lovingly familiar, wonderfully reassuring, and - at times like this - hilariously chiding.
I miss You, God.
I was always with you, Acacia.
Please don't ever leave me.
I have promised you that even before you were born, and I always keep My promises.
I don't know what to do, God.
You only think you don't.
But you do.
Just like how you knew from the start what to do...when your parents asked you to abort your own daughter.
EVERYONE LOOKS SO HAPPY and relieved to see me come out of my cave the next day, and Story even starts fighting back tears when I say yes to joining them in tonight's festivities. The royal family will be camping in the desert, and over a hundred of the palace's most loyal officials have been invited to join them.
"Never make me worry like that again," my friend grumbles later on as she helps me put on a contemporary spin on the abaya, with a deep V neckline, flowing sleeves of semi-sheer fabric, and an empire cut to conceal the roundness of my belly.
"I can't make any promises," I say solemnly, "but I promise to pray for that for all of our sakes."
Story only grunts, and the sound so un-princess-like that it has both Ellana and me bursting into laughter.
"All done," Story announces as she takes a step back, and her daughter lets out a gasp as her wide-eyed gaze swings back and forth between me and my reflection.
"Ethereal!"
This time, it's Story and me who are laughing. Ellana and her unbelievable vocabulary strike again, and the memory is enough to put me in a good mood for the rest of the evening. I'm constantly lost in my thoughts, and I just feel like I've been away from God for so, so long that I just can't stop talking to Him in my mind.
Ellana is so cute, God!
Is it okay for me to pray that my daughter be just as cute?
Wait. Does that make me vain?
I've changed my mind. Is it okay for me to pray that my baby girl be just as smart?
No, wait. I just remembered what Solomon prayed for.
I want her to be wise instead. But not too wise that she's never going to listen to me.
Or is that too selfish to ask?
The thoughts run endlessly at the back of my mind as I find myself once again facing an impossible challenge.
Which of these deliciously baked nougats should I eat first?
"Anything I can help you with?"
The voice comes out of nowhere.
Quiet with a hint of unsteadiness.
A lot rougher than it should be.
And so, so heartbreakingly familiar.
A shadow falls over the table as I feel the heat of his virile presence envelop me. He's standing right behind me, but I can't make myself face him just yet.
"I miss you."
My eyes squeeze shut—-
"I tried my damnedest to stay away because I thought it's what you deserved."
—-just as cracks start to appear all over my heart.
"But every fucking day, I just can't concentrate."
His strong hands grip my shoulders as he speaks, spinning me around so that our gazes collide as his words come to an end.
Oh, Ronan .
There's so much pain in the amber depths of his eyes that I can only bite my lip hard to keep myself from crying out.
"I'm sorry," he says unevenly. "The last thing I would ever want to do is to hurt you, but that's exactly what I ended up doing. When I..." Ronan swallows hard as if needing to find the strength to say his next words. "When I first saw you, you were right. You did remind me of Lena. And I did want you because you looked like her...but I didn't realize it at that time."
The cracks in my heart have finally reached their limit, his painful words now tearing my heart into pieces.
"All I knew was that I wanted you. And it made me feel extremely good when you wanted me back, the way she never did."
My throat tightens, and I struggle for control.
"It was only the night when we attended our first party together that I realized..."
Agony flashes in his gaze.
"I wanted you for the wrong reasons at the start."
My fight for composure shatters, and my shoulders start to shake.
"Acacia—-"
He hauls me into his arms, and I sob on his chest. How crazy is it that I'm drawing comfort from the same man who's causing me pain?
"I'm sorry," he grits out. "I'm sorry for hurting you, but I want you to know everything's changed since then. That night was when I realized I wanted to marry you. I wanted to marry my Acacia. Be with you and our daughter for the rest of my life."
He pulls back so he can cup my face and make me look at him. His hands tremble as he wipes away my never-ending tears.
"When I see you now, I just see you and no one else. I see the girl who never spoke a single word against the people who hurt and abandoned her. The girl I will never deserve...but I'm hoping will still be foolish enough to take another chance on me."
I shake my head, knowing it's not foolish at all, but Ronan seems to misunderstand this as rejection, with the way his features turn ashen.
"Give me a chance to explain," he urges. " Please . I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Lena the moment I realized how it started between us. I thought I had all the time in the world to find the right words to explain...but I was wrong."
He takes my hands in his, and it hurts to feel how badly his own hands are shaking.
"Forgive me, Acacia," Ronan says raggedly. Take me back. In whatever way you're willing to. I just want to be with you. Please—"
My lips start to tremble, and agitation flashes in his eyes.
"Please don't—-"
I can't bear it any longer, and I feel him stiffen in shock as I throw my arms around him.
"I love you, too."
A powerful shudder rocks his body.
"So, so much."
Ronan's arms close around me like chains, and his body is still shaking, as if he's unable to believe what's happening.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Ronan doesn't say the words out loud, but I hear it in the way his arms tighten around me. I hear it just as clearly as I hear that other voice. The one that has always been with Me, and the one that always says the perfect things at His perfect timing.
Your parents also caused you pain.
But not once did it cross your mind to give up on them.
Because you knew the truth.
The people you love are not perfect.
No one is.
And that's why forgiveness must follow every mistake, for despair to transform into hope, and the love you have for each other will never die.