Chapter 13
Maybe I should have waited longer to approach Collum, after all. That probably would have been smarter. But I couldn’t help the eagerness that welled in my chest at Leif’s offer.
I had never wanted to be here in the first place, and now I had a way out—one that would allow my brother to keep the freedom he had likely found in my absence.
Thinking of him sent a sudden pang through my chest as Collum and I snuck through the hallways.
It had only been about a fortnight, but I missed my twin desperately.
Though I hated sharing his life with him, he really had been the one confidant who had always been there for me, even if there were more bad times than good.
“You’re quiet,” Collum whispered as she closed the door behind her, effectively closing us off from the shuffling of the hallway as the other servants, their eyes now rimmed with gold, silently made their way to their rooms.
I shrugged. It was a bit surprising Collum was just now noticing my silence, when we had barely talked at all in the last few days. It said a lot about how much she thought of our interactions.
She sank down on the cot, which we had been taking turns sleeping in since it only fit one of us comfortably. The other got a blanket and the floor. Her gaze didn’t leave my face. “What did you and Leif talk about?”
Those few words broke the dam and I couldn’t stop the grin that emerged from my lips. “He knows a way for me to leave here.”
Collum arched an eyebrow, her lips curling into a frown. “And why would you want to do that?”
My mouth dropped open and I motioned to the room. “Collum . . . are you seriously asking me that?”
“Yes.”
Something about the way she said the word didn’t sit right in my gut, but I continued anyway, with an exasperated sigh. “I’m a prisoner here, Collum. In this room, in the body I pretend to wear. I need to leave Ralheim. I want to have my own life. I want to be free.”
Collum shook her head. “I asked some of the others about Leif. His coven is bad news.”
My heart fell. I couldn’t believe my cousin would put coven politics over my comfort. We really had fallen far from the friendship we had once held dear. “He said you would say that.”
“And he knows I’m right. There’s no reason for you to go live among the Eastwoods coven. You are needed here.”
I shook my head, still in disbelief that this conversation was with the woman I had once trusted for everything.
“Needed here why? To train servants with petty magic? To be forced to give a viscount an advantage in a war?” My rate of breathing increased.
“Adis said himself that there were no books of dangerous magic anymore . . . Either way, I’m a prisoner here, Collum, treated like I am worthless, and I can’t even be myself—”
“You’ve been Milo for twenty-five years; I’m sure you can last another two. The war should be over by then.” She inspected her nails, as if she could will them to be less broken, less filled with dirt.
The fight left my body. There would be no arguing with Collum. I knew that by the way she pressed her lips together. I thought Collum understood how hard this charade was on me, but I was wrong.
Training petty magic for a town that had tossed us both aside was more important than my happiness; that much was clear.
“You need to stop talking with Leif. Living here isn’t so bad. Plus, we have a plan—a better one than running and hiding in the hills, I promise. Someday you will be free, okay?”
“But not anytime soon.” I breathed, still in disbelief over the conversation.
“You’ll be fine.” Collum waved her hand in the air as if my pain could just be waved away. Then she rolled over to face the wall, pulling the threadbare blanket to her chin. “I’m tired.”
She didn’t even wait for my reply before the soft sounds of snoring reached my ears.
Tonight was supposed to be my night with the cot, but it was obviously too late for that, so I arranged the blanket on the floor, trying to get as comfortable as possible on the cold stones.
It was no use, my back ached, my hips ached, and I felt like I had been alive for far longer than my twenty-five years.
That was the last conscious thought I had before my body proved I was too tired to care about where I slept. Collum’s snores became a symphony for my dreams.
I awoke to a distinct cramping in my gut.
My period was back again.
Rising from the blanket as quietly as possible, I gathered my things for my period, only to see a tell-tale red splotch when I pulled my underthings down to add the cloth.
I hadn’t woken in time.
While I did have a spare pair of undergarments, they were currently dirty as I had planned to send them with my uniform for wash the next day.
Not seeing any other solution, I slid my undergarment down my legs, tying a combination of the cloths I had on hand around my waist and between my legs.
Hopefully it was enough to hold while I scrubbed my two pairs of underwear.
Collum, surprisingly, didn’t stir as I pried the door open, looking both ways down the hall before stepping over the guard there.
He was still asleep, though I had no idea how long that would last. Biting my lip, I held my breath as I edged around his sleeping form before practically running down the hallway.
Pink light filtered in through the courtyard, telling me time was running out and daylight would be here soon.
I bundled my cloths and undergarments under my arm. I would lie and say my nose had bled if I was caught.
Passing the kitchen, I could hear Astrid already moving around. Another bad sign.
Still not seeing an alternative, I made quick work in the washing area, filling a bucket and submerging my clothing beneath the surface, soaking them before attempting to use my fingernails to remove the stain from the cloth.
Lifting the stained pair from the water, I groaned as I noticed it was still there. This was imposs—
“Do you need help?”
The deep voice immediately had me pushing my cloths beneath the water as I spun around to find none other than Otho, Adis’s General, standing in the doorway to the laundry room. It appeared as if he’d been up all night as whisps of black hair fell in front of the dark circles beneath his eyes.
I don’t know why, but I glanced down, grimacing at the fact that I had left my uniform coat in my room.
I hadn’t expected to see anyone.
Not that it mattered, seeing as Otho already knew my secret. Regardless, I sent up a silent prayer.
“I didn’t mean to scare you.” His arms hung at his sides, his fists clenched. Suddenly, I realized I had never spoken to Friar about the incident in her chambers before. She had said Otho wouldn’t say anything but—
“I can help with . . . that.” He motioned one of his long fingers toward the bucket.
“It’s . . . i-it’s okay,” I stuttered. “I just got . . . I got a bloody nose . . . and . . .” The lie sounded terrible, but I couldn’t very well stop now. I hadn’t even bothered to prep the truth.
“Sure,” he replied, crossing the room in three large strides.
I didn’t realize I had stepped away from him until, suddenly, he was by the bucket where my underthings were soaking, and my back was pressed up against the wall. My muscles quivered with both adrenaline and fear. A stark contrast to the waves of calm I felt rolling off of him.
He raised an eyebrow, likely wondering why I had pressed myself up against the wall, but pointed to a white chunk of something in his hand. “This will help with blood stains.” He dropped it in the water, which immediately bubbled. I took a step closer, cautiously peering over the rim.
“How—”
“Soldiers uniforms are often returned bloody. The laundress isn’t . . .” He grimaced. “Let’s just say she’s not a huge fan of the number of times I have brought a bloody uniform to her—that she taught me a while back to clean my own.”
That was when, for the first time, I took in what he was wearing. His soldiers’ coat, which was much more well fitted than mine, was indeed bloody. And not just a little, there were long streaks of red down his back, and one down his front, and it extended to his pants.
I couldn’t help it, my eyes widened. “What happened?” The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.
“A bloody nose.” He smirked, continuing what was apparently a secret joke between us before pulling off his shirt and jacket and adding them to my bucket. I swallowed. “I’ll finish these and bring them back to your room.”
My mouth dried. How did I tell him that I needed what was in that bucket now? That they were my underthings? “I—I need those things now, actually.”
Otho frowned, glancing into the bucket. “You don’t have a spare?”
My lips twisted and I fought back tears. My period was making me more emotional than normal, and the panic in my gut wasn’t helping. “Both are in there.”
“Fuck.” He searched around the laundry room, and I swear in that moment, he seemed to deflate. Then, his face lit up as if he suddenly remembered something. “Go see Friar. She can help you.”
For some reason, the way he said Friar’s name made my stomach twist, but I brushed it off, knowing the laundress would be joining us in just moments, and this situation would become even more awkward than it already was.
“Okay,” I whispered, still fighting back tears.
“Down the hall, fourth door to the left,” he instructed, grabbing a wooden pole to stir the water.
I wanted to say something more, to thank him for the kindness he was showing me, for no apparent reason, but the sound of whistling reached my ears.
Someone was coming.
I dipped my chin at Otho, not waiting for his response before I spun and ran from the room, begging the gods I didn’t believe in that the cloths between my legs would hold just a bit longer.
I passed my door on the way to Friar’s, glad to see the guard stationed there was still sleeping. Maybe I would be able to pull this off after all.
I came to her closed door, pausing on the threshold as I remembered a previous time the door had been opened without knocking. Knowing this was going to cost me precious time, I was unwilling to violate someone else’s privacy, so I looked both ways down the hall before raising my fist to the door.
At first, nothing happened, and I heard no movement.
My heartbeat pounded in my ears, and I felt beads of sweat running down my forehead.
But then, just as I was about to raise my hand to knock again, the door swung open, revealing a dark interior lit only by a single candle, and Friar, who was gripping a robe closed at her midsection.
“Sorry,” I whispered, biting my lip as I debated how to explain the current situation.
“Come in.” Friar didn’t even wait for my explanation, instead pulling me inside and closing the door behind her.
The moment that was done, she moved around the room, lighting more candles.
When she was finished, she sank down onto a cot, which looked much the same as my own, that I had failed to notice on my first few visits here.
She lived here, in the room where she also worked on patients.
“Otho sent me.” The words were shaky. “I was in the laundry room and . . .”
“Just tell me what you need,” Friar said, her lips pressed into a thin line.
I couldn’t help but feel I had done something wrong, as I had never seen her like this. “Underwear, please.”
Friar’s eyes widened, but she said nothing as she rose and crossed the room to a chest, likely her own, leaning down to pull out a folded pair of underwear. When she turned back toward me, I noticed her eyes were glassy like she was about to cry.
My mind sped up at that moment and I realized what I may have insinuated. As she pressed the cloth into my hands, I tried to explain better. “It’s not because of Otho I need these, it’s because—”
She shook her head and put a finger to her lips. “I don’t want to know more.”
That made me tilt my head to the side in confusion. People always wanted explanations from me.
“I don’t want any information that I could be tortured for.”
Her explanation made sense, but it didn’t make me feel any better, as I realized what she already knew about me. It was suddenly hard to swallow.
I glanced around the room, taking in the various medicines, salves, and plants in every visible corner. “I thought you were here because you wanted to be.”
She shook her head before rolling up her robe sleeve to reveal a brand that matched my own. I gasped.
“I did come here on my own,” she explained, shaking her head, “to find Otho . . . but when Adis heard about my healing abilities . . .”
“He made you stay.”
She nodded. Then, as if remembering where we were, she stepped toward the door. “Hurry back to your room.”
I tucked the bundle under my armpit, hoping no one would ask. “But how will I get these back to you?”
“Don’t worry about it, I’ll have Otho buy me another.”
And just like that, I was outside her door, the hallway now bright with the post-dawn sun.
The door snicked shut behind me, and I took off at a jog, desperate to make it back to my room before the guard noticed I had been missing.
My head burned, both with the exhaustion of having barely slept, and the fact that I hadn’t been eating enough to warrant this type of energy loss.
One of the gods must have taken pity on my plight though, for as I arrived back at my own door, the guard was still blissfully asleep. I was able to step over him, change, and climb back into my bedroll before Collum awoke.
Later that day, when I returned from reading, my mind swimming in exhaustion, I found my underthings laundered and folded, on top of the blanket on the floor.
My heart twisted, but I said nothing as I shoved them back into my pack.
Some secrets were meant to be kept.