Chapter 1 #2
‘Terrible pothead,’ Jake said to her as if by way of apology.
‘But you’re okay now?’ Dylan asked.
Jake was fidgeting with her CV, his leg jiggling rapidly under the table. She hoped for his sake he wasn’t a poker player.
She nodded. ‘It’s taken a long time, but I’ve made a full recovery.’ She wrapped an arm around the back of her chair and surreptitiously knocked on the wood. She always felt she was tempting fate saying that. ‘I’ve been very lucky.’
‘Because this is a full-time position,’ Jake said. ‘It’s a pretty dynamic environment and the hours can be long at times. It’s a small team, and we need everyone to pull their weight and give it a hundred and ten per cent.’
A hundred and ten per cent – had he actually said that? ‘Well, I’m sure you know that’s mathematically impossible, but I understand the commitment.’ Gah! Cut the snark, Ella – that’s not the way to endear yourself to people.
‘Are you sure you can cope with the crazy?’ Dylan asked with a grin.
God, could she? She didn’t mind hard work, and she was looking forward to having a focus and some routine to her life – not to mention earning proper money. But could she handle this pair’s double act day in, day out? She’d only been in their company for five minutes and she was already exhausted.
‘Well, no one could accuse you of being a slacker,’ Jake said. ‘You’ve certainly kept yourself busy. All these online courses… is there anything you can’t do?’
‘I tried to upskill as much as I could whenever I was able.’ She’d done every online course she could get her hands on that would allow her to make some money working from home.
‘You certainly have a lot of useful experience,’ he said, his eyes once more trained on her CV. ‘Book-keeping, SEO, digital marketing, data entry, virtual assistant… you sound like you’d be a useful person to have around.’
Ella was grateful that Jake saw her rag-bag of freelance jobs in a positive light.
‘We’re pretty sorted on the tech and production side, but admin and marketing… not so much.’
‘We’re definitely floundering in the book-keeping department,’ Dylan said with a rueful smile. ‘It’d be great if you could help us out with that. Our accountant hates us.’
‘We could really use someone like you who could muck in and do a bit of everything.’
‘But we won’t ask you to take our shirts to the cleaners,’ Dylan said with a grin.
‘No, that’s his job.’ Jake jerked his head towards his partner, who laughed.
‘So you’ve always worked from home?’ Dylan asked. ‘On your own?’
‘Yes, but I’m excited about being part of a team.’ Holy shit! Where had that come from? Was their chirpy gung-ho vibe rubbing off on her already?
‘Great!’ Dylan rubbed his hands. Mercifully, he didn’t seem to think she’d made herself sound like a complete dick. ‘Well…’ He turned to Jake. ‘Let’s do the interview questions.’
Ella tried to hide her surprise that the interview apparently hadn’t already been going on for some time. Everything up to now must have been some sort of preliminary round, and she was tempted to say how psyched she was that she’d made it through to the interview proper, but she bit her tongue.
‘Okay, you’re miniaturised and put in a blender,’ Jake said. ‘What do you do?’
‘Um… sorry?’ She frowned, confused. ‘I’m… here for the admin position?’
Dylan grinned. ‘Yeah, we ask all job applicants these questions. We like everyone who works here to be able to think outside the box. It’s an innovative business, you know?’
‘We try to promote a culture of creativity and resourcefulness throughout the company,’ Jake said. ‘From the bottom to the top; top to bottom.’ He sketched the structure in the air with his hands.
‘Right.’ She wondered would they ask the tea lady these questions. But then they wouldn’t have a tea lady, would they? They’d probably have a barista inventing his own blends to the accompaniment of smooth jazz.
‘So… stuck in a blender?’ Jake prompted, raising his eyebrows.
Oh God. ‘Okay.’ She smiled, trying to look like she thought this was fun.
She wanted to come across as a good sport and a team player, bouncing off their energy and giving back as good as she got.
It so wasn’t her. ‘I’d… call Amnesty International.
’ That was good, right? Thinking on her feet, kind of funny, socially aware…
Jake and Dylan turned to each other and had a silent consultation via the medium of raised eyebrows.
‘You don’t have a phone,’ Jake rapped back.
‘Then… I guess I’d die in the belly of some sports nut as part of his superfood smoothie. I’d be the first martyr of clean eating and the patron saint of Wellness.’ She was quite impressed with herself for coming up with something remotely witty but they looked disappointed.
‘Okay, favourite sandwich,’ Dylan said, pointing a finger at her like he was aiming a gun.
‘Egg mayonnaise.’ Shit! Why had she said that? The most boring, least edgy sandwich on the planet. She hadn’t even thought to inject it with a hint of irony. Jake looked frankly shocked, while Dylan smiled at her pityingly and said ‘Hey, you can’t argue with the classics.’
‘Totally,’ Jake said, rallying. ‘Egg mayo’s got a bad rep thanks to stinky school lunches and kids’ parties, but it’s stood the test of time. It just needs a rebrand.’
‘If you were a dog, what breed would you be?’ Dylan asked.
‘Corgi!’ It was the first one that came into her head.
‘Because?’
‘Um… at least I’d have a shot at living in Buckingham Palace.’
Dylan giggled gratifyingly.
‘You have to sing with one of us at karaoke. What duet would you pick?’
‘“Don’t Go Breaking My Heart”.’
‘Yes!’ Dylan punched the air. ‘You’re with me.’
‘That’s his song,’ Jake said. ‘If you’d said “I Got You Babe”, you’d be with me.’
‘What if I’d said neither?’
‘Then it could go either way.’
‘Wait,’ Dylan said, ‘are you Elton or Kiki?’
‘Kiki.’ Theoretically. She’d never done karaoke in her life, and didn’t intend for that to change.
‘Excellent. If you’d said Elton, I’d have to fight you for it.’
‘He does a mean Elton, in fairness. Uncanny, really.’
‘Are you Sonny or Cher?’ Ella asked Jake.
‘Cher. Always Cher.’
There followed a rapid-fire round of increasingly daft questions – favourite colour Smarties, five celebrities you’d invite to a dinner party (dead or alive), what emoji do you use most often (Ella said eye-roll, which was true, but immediately regretted choosing something so negative), favourite pizza toppings, muffin flavour, cocktail, coffee order, last thing she watched on TV (the actual last thing was a documentary on dogging, so Ella swapped in the second-last thing, a rewatch of the ‘Open Mic’ episode of Schitt’s Creek), who would you root for in a fight between Spiderman and Batman…
‘Wouldn’t they be on the same side?’
‘Good point,’ Jake said, nodding thoughtfully. ‘Let’s scrub that one,’ he said to Dylan.
‘Okay, final question,’ Dylan said, and Ella sagged with relief that this ridiculous ordeal was almost over.
Her energy levels were actually pretty good at the moment, but this interview was wearing her out.
She needed a lie down. ‘A penguin walks in here wearing a sombrero.’ He nodded to the door. ‘Why is he here and what does he say?’
‘Um… I guess…’ Oh, who was she kidding? She should save her energy and go home. There was only one question these two wanted the answer to: are you cool enough to work here? And the answer was… ‘No.’
Dylan frowned and looked to Jake.
Jake shrugged. ‘I don’t get it.’
‘That’s not the penguin saying no, that’s me saying no.
Sorry, but this isn’t going to work.’ She waved a hand between them.
‘I’m obviously not what you’re looking for.
’ She smiled to show there were no hard feelings as she lifted her bag onto her shoulder.
‘We might as well call it a day and not waste any more of each other’s time. ’
They both stared at her dumbfounded as she stood and held out her hand, and Ella felt a little gleam of triumph that she’d silenced them at last. ‘It was lovely meeting you,’ she said graciously.
They both shook hands with her, looking bemused.
‘It’s been fun,’ Dylan said. ‘Great to meet you.’
‘Thanks for coming in. We’ll be in touch by the end of the week,’ Jake was saying as she turned to go.
‘Really there’s no need,’ she called over her shoulder. ‘But thank you for your time.’
‘Ella!’ They both called after her as she made her way to the door, her heart pounding in her ears. ‘Wait!’
She didn’t turn around, ignoring their shouts as she reached for the door handle, determined to make a dignified exit. She was proud of herself for taking control of the situation and ending the interview on her own terms.
‘Hang on, that’s not—’
She pulled the door closed behind her – and found herself plunged into total darkness. Oh no! As her eyes adjusted to the gloom, she realised she had walked into a store cupboard.