Chapter 29
Ella was surprised to hear Roly come in less than an hour after her. He tossed his keys on the table by the door with a metallic clank, and came upstairs.
‘What are you doing?’ He stood in the doorway, frowning as he took in her bags on the bed.
‘I’m leaving.’ She looked away, unable to face the hurt in his eyes. ‘Obviously I can’t stay here any longer.’ She sank onto the bed. ‘You’re home early.’
‘Yeah. I wasn’t really in the party mood any more, strangely enough.’ He raked a hand through his hair. ‘So, you were planning to be gone before I got back?’
‘No. I was waiting until you came home. I wanted to talk to you first – try to explain.’
He sighed, peeling away from the doorframe. ‘Ella, I’m not kicking you out. You don’t have to go.’
‘I know you’re not, but I can’t stay here, not when you—’ She choked on a sob. ‘Not when you hate me,’ she finished.
‘I don’t hate you. I hate what you did, and I hate that you lied to me about it… or at least didn’t tell me the truth. But I know you probably thought you were doing the right thing.’ His voice sounded hollow, devoid of emotion. She almost wished he were shouting at her again.
‘You think I did it for money.’
‘No.’ He dropped his eyes. ‘I was… upset and I lashed out at you. I don’t really think that.’
‘But you don’t forgive me, do you?’
He looked her in the eye then, and she could already see the answer. ‘No. I mean… it’s a lot.’
She nodded. ‘Yeah. I know.’
He moved into the room and sat down on the bed beside her. ‘I’m trying to get my head around it. I was talking to Charlie. He said you tried to talk to me that night, both of you.’
Ella nodded. ‘But Charlie didn’t know – about what I did. That was just me.’ She didn’t want him to think he’d been betrayed by all his friends, that there was no one he could trust. ‘I was so scared for you. I was trying to make sure you’d get help.’
‘I get that – I do. But how could you not have told me? All this time… when we were—’ He broke off helplessly.
‘I wanted to. I just couldn’t find a way to tell you. And then we were so happy, and it was all so long ago, sometimes I thought… I don’t know. I wondered did it even matter any more.’
‘Did it matter? It was my life. It is my life, still. Every day. And you think it’s just water under the bridge?
I don’t believe you!’ He took a shaky breath.
‘And you’re right – we were so happy. And now that’s fucked up too.
’ His voice was thick with tears and he swiped at his eyes.
‘You know what really kills me? Maybe I could have got past it if you’d been honest and told me from the start.
But keeping it from me…’ He shook his head.
‘I know,’ she whispered. ‘I’m so sorry. I wish… I wish I could go back, do things differently.’ Tears streamed from her eyes. How had it come to this? Just yesterday they’d been so happy.
Roly was properly sobbing now, and she tentatively reached out and put an arm around his shoulders, expecting him to shrug her off.
But instead he turned into her and allowed her to hold him.
His breath was hot and damp on her neck, his tears soaking her top as she breathed in his scent, knowing it would be the last time.
She held him tighter, as if she could absorb his pain, not wanting to let him go.
For one crazy, desperate minute, she felt a grotesque spark of hope that they could get past this – that he’d forgive her and move on, that he could still love her.
Finally he pulled back, swiping at his eyes. ‘You don’t have to move out.’ He sniffed. ‘I’m not going to make you homeless.’
She smiled sadly. ‘I think I do. It’d be awkward as fuck living here now – for both of us. Anyway, I won’t be homeless.’
‘Where will you go?’
‘I can go back to my mum’s for now. They’ll be home in a couple of weeks anyway.’
‘I guess you should go, then, if you’re going.’ He sounded angry again.
She nodded, but she didn’t move, reluctant to leave him like this. ‘Are you okay?’
He gave her an awful look – hard and hateful – and she flinched. ‘No, I’m not okay. How the fuck do you imagine I’d be okay?’
‘Sorry.’ She got up and took her phone from her bag, but still hesitated, looking down at him. He seemed so sad and desolate.
‘Don’t worry, I’m not going to do anything stupid. I won’t let you screw up my life more than you already have.’
She swallowed hard and called a taxi with her phone app. ‘Maybe you should call someone? Your mum maybe? Or Charlie – I’m sure he’d come over if you asked him to.’
‘Christ, why are you still here? Please just go!’
‘I just don’t think you should be alone right now.’
‘Yeah, you’re right.’ He sniffed, digging the heels of his hands into his eye sockets. He looked up at her. ‘I’ll call Pippa.’
She nodded, clenching her jaw, struggling not to react.
He was being deliberately cruel, hitting out at her, and he had every right to.
She deserved it. She just had to take it, let him rage at her as much as he wanted.
What did it matter? It was over between them now anyway.
If he needed to hate her to feel better, then so be it.
‘Good idea,’ she said softly, swallowing down tears as she picked up her suitcases.
‘I’ll take those.’ He got up from the bed.
‘It’s okay, I can manage.’
Wordlessly he took them from her anyway and she followed him downstairs. He dropped her bags by the door.
‘Thanks.’ She fished the house keys out of her pocket and held them out to him. ‘I’ll have to come back for the rest of my stuff.’
‘Keep those, then. You can let yourself in.’
‘Okay.’ Her mobile pinged. ‘My cab’s here.’ She picked up her bags. ‘Thanks, Roly – for everything.’ She stood on tiptoe and pressed a kiss to his cold, taut cheek. There was so much more she wanted to say, but she knew he wouldn’t want to hear it.
He nodded, swallowing hard. When she looked up at him through her lashes, his eyes were wet with tears.
Roly opened the door for her. The taxi was parked outside, its engine running.
He stood in the doorway and she walked to the gate without looking back, praying he’d say something, have one last word for her.
But he was silent as she left his house – and his life – for the last time.
So many times she’d said goodbye to him and walked away, thinking she wouldn’t see him again.
This time she knew it really was the end. And he didn’t even say goodbye.