Chapter 30
Roly had never wanted a drink so badly, or a hit of something.
He wanted the taste of whiskey on his tongue, the soft burn as it slid down his throat.
He craved the sweet, soporific release of opiates or the energising surge of coke through his veins.
He had that old feeling of needing to destroy everything, starting with himself.
The urge to go out and score was so strong, he couldn’t sit still.
He picked up the phone and called Tim, his sponsor.
As he listened to the ring tone, he told himself that if Tim didn’t answer, he’d go out to a bar and get a drink – just one.
It was a throw of the dice, out of his hands.
He wouldn’t be responsible. He looked at his watch.
It was almost midnight. Tim had a young baby.
He was probably asleep by now. He’d just let it ring one more time…
‘You okay, mate?’ Tim’s voice was thick with sleep.
‘No.’ Roly gulped, tears of relief and gratitude springing to his eyes. It never ceased to move him that a virtual stranger would do this for him; that he’d always be there at the end of the phone ready to save him over and over, however many times he needed saving. ‘I need to talk. Is that okay?’
‘Of course. Anytime – you know that. You want me to come over?’
‘No. It’s late. We can just chat on the phone.’ He sank to the floor, closing his eyes and leaning his head against the wall as he let Tim talk him down from the edge.
He felt better after they hung up – calmer, more rational, no longer craving the escape into drink or drugs. But he still wanted to see someone. He couldn’t deal with being alone right now. He thumbed through his phone and dialled Pippa.
* * *
‘That little bitch!’
Roly flinched. He’d just been lashing out when he’d told Ella he’d get in touch with Pippa. He’d wanted to hurt her. But then he thought why not? She may be shallow and brash, but she was forthright, which was something he particularly appreciated right now, and she had a good heart beneath it all.
‘I can’t believe she did that to you. Miss High and Mighty, acting like she was so much better than everyone else. Butter wouldn’t melt.’
‘She didn’t think she was better than everyone else.’ Damn it, why was he defending Ella? He should be joining in, bitching her up with Pippa. It would be cathartic. But no matter how he felt about her, it still got his back up when someone else had a go at her.
‘Give me a break! Don’t think I didn’t see her looking down her nose at me.’
‘She’s not like that.’
‘How can you still stick up for her, after what she did to you? If it wasn’t for her, you wouldn’t be in the state you are now.’
‘What do you mean “the state I’m in”?’ He bristled.
‘Come on, Roly. Don’t make me spell it out. I know things are good now, but until a few months ago you were broke, depressed and overweight. No one would give you the time of day. Your career was down the toilet.’
‘Wow, kick a guy when he’s down, why don’t you?’
‘I’m just telling it like it is, babe. Oh Boy! moved on and you got left behind. Your solo album tanked. First you became a national laughing stock, and then everyone just completely forgot about you.’
Roly nodded. ‘This is great. This is just the confidence boost I needed. Thanks.’
‘And that’s all down to her,’ Pippa continued as if he hadn’t spoken. ‘I hate that she did this to you, and it’s even worse that you’re still sticking up for her. It’s like you have that Stockport syndrome or something.’
Roly laughed. Maybe he’d done the right thing, calling Pippa after all. ‘It’s Stockholm syndrome.’
She shrugged. ‘Whatever.’
‘And Ella didn’t exactly kidnap me.’
‘No, but she hijacked your life.’
‘She did it because she cared about me. She was worried. She thought she was doing the right thing.’
‘Sure.’ Pippa rolled her eyes. ‘Classic Stockholm syndrome.’
‘You might have done the same yourself if you’d been around.’ They were still officially together at the time, but they’d both known it was over – his fault, of course.
‘No way.’ She reached out and put a hand on his leg. ‘And if I had I’d have told you straight out.’
He could believe that at least.
‘Of course I’d have supported you. But there was no need for anyone to stick their nose in like that. You had plenty people looking after you.’
‘Yeah.’ But he hadn’t, had he? If that photograph hadn’t emerged, he wouldn’t have been kicked out of the band. He’d have gone on the American tour. No one would have called a halt.
‘If it hadn’t been for her, you’d have been in Oh Boy! right to the end,’ Pippa said, echoing his thoughts. ‘You could have had this amazing life. You wouldn’t have to be trying to claw your way back like you are now.’
‘“Claw.” Nice.’
‘You’d still be famous and rich.’
‘Not clean though, maybe.’
She shrugged. ‘You could have done that without her. You’d have sorted yourself out eventually. You just think that because she’s been gaslamping you.’
Roly laughed again, despite himself. ‘Gaslamping!’
‘What?’ She punched his arm playfully. ‘It’s a thing. I’ve read loads of stuff about it. She gaslamped you into thinking you’re an alcoholic—’
‘No, I really am an alcoholic—’
‘She made you think she was doing it for your own good.’
‘Look, I may be pissed off about it, but she did do it for my own good.’
‘See? That’s gaslamping!’
He was glad he’d called Pippa. She was probably the only person who could have made him laugh right now.
‘You need to be deprogrammed – you know, like people who’ve been in a cult.’
‘I haven’t been in a cult.’
‘May as well have been. You missed out on the best years of your life, thanks to her. You’d have been a megastar. You wouldn’t have ended up as some nobody, living on benefits and renting out your spare room like a fucking student!.’
‘Well, it’s really Marty I have to thank for that.’
‘We might still be together…’
Roly jerked back in surprise. ‘Really? So you were just with me for my fame and fortune?’ He shouldn’t be surprised – it was what he’d always suspected. But he was shocked even Pippa would be so upfront about it.
‘No, silly. But if you hadn’t gone off to rehab, we wouldn’t have drifted apart like we did.’
‘You wouldn’t have shagged Adam Leader?’
She pouted. ‘I was lonely. You’d abandoned me.’
‘I didn’t abandon you. I was fighting for my life, for fuck’s sake. Not everything is about you.’
‘You wouldn’t have put on all that weight and got depressed.’
‘I wouldn’t have written songs with Phoenix or sang on stage with Walking Wounded.’
‘You never know. You don’t know what might have happened.’
‘I’d probably never have seen Ella again.’
‘Good riddance!’
He looked at her beautiful face. What would it be like, he wondered, being with Pippa again.
He hadn’t really thought about it when he put it in his goals.
He’d just assumed that was what he wanted.
Now all he wanted was Ella, and for things to be the way they were yesterday.
He wished he could go back to not knowing.
He leaned in and kissed her tentatively. Her lips were soft and yielding and she kissed him back for a moment before pulling away. ‘I don’t think this is a good idea,’ she said.
‘I think it’s a very good idea.’ He grinned. ‘It’s a sure-fire way to make me forget my troubles.’ He moved in for another kiss, but she held him away with a hand on his chest.
‘I’m not going to be your consolation prize because you’ve had a bust-up with your girlfriend.’
‘She’s not my girlfriend.’
‘And what about Adam?’
‘Fuck Adam!’
‘I do. That’s the problem.’
‘I thought you two had broken up.’
‘We have. But he wants me back.’
‘Jesus! You two would give me whiplash.’
‘I think he’s addicted to make-up sex.’ She laughed. ‘I’m a bit of a fan myself.’
‘Do you want to get back with him?’
She shrugged. ‘I don’t know.’
‘Well, I’m available for make-up sex right now.’
Her eyes dropped to his mouth, and she licked her lips.
He felt no desire – he was too numb for that – but he leaned in to kiss her again and this time she met him halfway.
She ran her tongue along his bottom lip, and he shifted to get a better angle, pushing her back against the squashy sofa cushions.
They both knew where this was going, but some instinct for self-preservation made him stop and pull back.
‘Maybe you’re right, this isn’t such a good idea.’ He sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. ‘Do you want a drink?’
‘No, thanks. I’d better get home.’ She reached out and clasped his hand. ‘Look you’re lonely and sad, and I don’t want to be your crutch just because you’re feeling down.’
He nodded. ‘I get it. Thanks for coming over, Pippa. It was good to see you. I really needed to see a friendly face.’
‘Anytime. I mean that.’ She looked at him sadly, her head cocked to the side. ‘I miss you, Roly. Call me when you’re feeling better – if you still want to.’