Chapter 32
In the days after Ella left, Roly felt like he was living over a sinkhole, as if the earth might split apart at any moment and swallow him up.
He was wobbly and nervous all the time, as if aware that something bad was about to happen, a constant state of free-floating anxiety with no particular focus.
He woke every morning with a feeling of dread, but couldn’t put his finger on what was causing it.
The world seemed to tilt dizzily on its axis and shake beneath his feet.
He was cold and shivery, as if afflicted with some mysterious virus.
Nothing seemed to make sense, nothing felt solid and reliable.
He woke from nightmares shouting, desperately trying to escape some unidentifiable terror.
He dreamed he was on a plane that could crash at any moment, only held up by the force of his anxiety.
His house felt empty now without Ella in it, his bed emptier still.
‘Where’s Ella?’ his mum asked him when they went to his nan’s for Sunday dinner.
‘We’re not together any more.’
He felt her watching him carefully. ‘You split up?’
He nodded. ‘Yeah. She moved back to her mum’s.’
‘Oh no.’ His mother flopped into the seat beside him.
‘What happened?’ his nan asked.
‘We— we had a big row.’ For some reason, he couldn’t bring himself to tell them what Ella had done. Out of some sort of warped sense of loyalty, he wouldn’t betray her – which was ironic. ‘It just wasn’t working.’
‘I’m really sorry to hear that.’ His mum put a hand over his on the table, giving him a sympathetic look. ‘You seemed so good together.’
He hated the disappointment and sorrow in their faces.
They loved Ella and they could see he was miserable.
He felt he’d let them down and he wished he could tell them, justify himself, make them see that Ella was the one in the wrong and it was all her fault. But he couldn’t bring himself to do it.
‘Maybe you can patch things up between you,’ his mum said, her eyes full of hope.
‘No. I don’t think so, Mum.’
His nan sighed. ‘Well, that’s a real shame. You were so happy.’
‘Yeah, I was. We were.’ And now he was so weighed down by sadness he could hardly breathe.
At least things were going well for him career-wise. Oh Boy! were in rehearsals for concerts, working on songs, and they’d be going into the studio soon to record a new album. He was grateful that he had work as a distraction and he threw himself into it with whatever energy he could muster.
It was strange being back with the lads, relearning their old dance routines, singing their old songs.
But the weirdest thing about it was how normal it felt at the same time.
Sometimes it seemed like only yesterday since they’d last performed together.
Then he’d slide across the floor on his knees and feel every one of those intervening years.
They’d quickly fallen back into their old mix of camaraderie and rivalry.
He didn’t feel the old excitement he used to, but that would probably come back once they were touring and recording again.
Bit by bit, he was reclaiming his old life.
He decided it was time to start the Pippa offensive.
He started stalking her on Instagram, posting flirty replies to her photos.
If nothing else, it would piss Adam Leader off.
* * *
‘None for me, thanks,’ Pippa said as Loretta cut thick slices of lemon drizzle cake.
Roly wasn’t feeling a whole lot better, but he’d called Pippa anyway.
He met her after his NA meeting, and took her for coffee at his mum’s instead of going to a cafe.
He didn’t see enough of his mum or nan now that he was busy rehearsing with Oh Boy!
and he was already regretting his plus one.
His mum would never say anything, never let it show, but he knew she’d never been that fond of Pippa.
And Pippa… well, he was remembering she wasn’t the most empathetic person on the planet.
‘Just a small piece? I made it this morning, specially when I knew you were coming.’
‘It’s really good,’ Roly said to her. ‘You should try some. Mum’s cakes are amazing.’
‘I said no,’ Pippa hissed under her breath to him, while his mum pretended not to hear. ‘No means no.’
‘Well, I know you’ll have some,’ Loretta said to Roly. ‘It’s his favourite,’ she told Pippa.
‘Thanks, Mum.’ Roly held out his plate.
Pippa gave him an outraged glare. ‘Roly,’ she whispered to him.
He pretended not to notice her annoyance as he bit into the thick wedge of buttery, lemony sponge and sighed. It was divine.
‘You’re sure you won’t have a slice?’ Loretta asked Pippa. ‘Just a little one?’
‘You don’t know what you’re missing,’ Roly said.
She ignored him. ‘No, thank you, Loretta. I don’t eat cake.’
Roly tried to swallow down his anger, but he could feel his mum’s disappointment. She’d done something nice, gone to the trouble of making a cake for them, and Pippa was throwing it back in her face.
‘How’ve you been, Pippa? It’s been a long time.’
‘I’m great, thanks, Loretta. I’m launching a new collection next month, so I’m mad busy.’
‘That’s nice.’
They made stilted small talk for a while, and Roly had a second slice of cake more as a show of support for his mum than because he wanted one. It also didn’t hurt that it pissed Pippa off.
‘Will I see you on Sunday?’ his mum asked him as they got up to go.
‘At Nan’s? Yeah, but I didn’t think you’d be there. Isn’t Mike coming for the weekend?’
A shadow passed across his mother’s face, but she quickly replaced it with a smile.
‘Oh no, he can’t make it after all. He’s having a dreadful time.
He can’t get his bank account sorted out without his passport.
But the officials who have it won’t give it back until he gives them money. So it’s a vicious circle.’
Roly thought his nan was right to be cynical. Mike did seem to have implausibly bad luck. He remembered what Ella had told him about romance scammers, and got a bad feeling. He wanted to ask his mum if she’d sent Mike any money, but he didn’t want to embarrass her, especially in front of Pippa.
‘Well, I’ll see you at Nan’s on Sunday, then.’ He kissed her goodbye and left feeling worried and uneasy.
‘Why couldn’t you have just eaten the cake?’ he hissed at Pippa once they were outside. ‘It wouldn’t have killed you. She was just trying to be kind.’
‘Kind! The kind thing would be to respect my boundaries, and not keep on at me about it. I said no. Once should have been enough.’
‘The kind thing for you to do would be to eat the fucking cake! For God’s sake! It wouldn’t kill you to loosen up, just for once.’
‘Are you accusing me of being uptight?’
‘Never!’ He rolled his eyes. ‘You’re the most laid-back person I know.’
‘Maybe it wouldn’t kill me just the once, but if you give in every time, it might. I mean, look at you! It’s no wonder you’re in the shape you’re in.’
‘The shape I’m in!’
‘You’re a grown man. You should be able to say no to your mother at your age. It’s pathetic!’
‘You think it’s pathetic to consider other people’s feelings?’
‘No, it’s pathetic that you can’t stand up for yourself – set your own boundaries and stick to them. There’s such a thing as killing with kindness, you know.’
‘There really isn’t.’
‘Well, there is such a thing as killing with sugar. Obesity can be lethal.’
‘Right. That’s what this is all about, is it? That I’m a bit chunky and you don’t like it?’
‘Roly, it’s not about what I like. It’s not good for you. You know that.’ She put a hand on his arm, her tone placating now. ‘I’m saying this because I care about you. You know that. I just want you to survive.’
‘You want me to survive my mum’s lemon drizzle cake?’
‘Oh, you’re impossible,’ she huffed, stalking off down the path ahead of him.
Bitch, he thought, following her. Ella would have eaten the cake, whether she wanted it or not, regardless of whether it fit in with her diet – just because it was the nice thing to do.
When he caught up with Pippa, she had her phone out and was texting.
‘Do you think my mum’s boyfriend might be a bit dodgy?’
‘How would I know? I’ve never met the guy.’
‘Well, neither has she. They met on some dating site.’
‘There’s nothing strange about that.’ She glanced at him distractedly. ‘That’s how everyone meets nowadays.’
‘I know, but… he keeps saying he’s going to come and then there’s always some excuse why he can’t. His daughter is sick and needs an operation or his accounts have been hacked… Ella thought he might be some kind of con artist.’
‘It sounds like he just has shit luck.’ She was barely paying attention to him as she continued texting. ‘You shouldn’t be so involved in your mother’s love life anyway. It’s creepy.’
‘It’s not creepy! I’m just worried about her, that’s all.’
‘For God’s sake, she’s a grown woman. Give her some credit. She’s old enough to look after herself.’ She finished texting and tossed her phone back into her bag.
He nodded. ‘Yeah, you’re right,’ he said, even though she’d done nothing to allay his fears. ‘I’m sure it’s nothing.’
At the corner, she stopped and turned to him. ‘Well, I’m going to get a cab, so I’ll say goodbye here.’
‘Oh. You don’t want to come back to my place?’
‘No. Look, Roly, the thing is I’m back with Adam now.’
‘Oh! Right. You never said.’
‘Well, I wasn’t when we arranged to meet up.’
‘You mean… this morning?’
She nodded. ‘Yeah. It just happened.’
‘When?’
‘Just now.’ She pointed to her bag. ‘We were texting there, and… now we’re back together.’
‘Well, that was sudden!’
She shrugged. ‘When you know, you know,’ she said brightly. ‘There’s my ride,’ she said as a cab turned into the street. ‘Well, bye, Roly!’ She gave him a peck on the cheek. ‘Good luck with everything.’
She hopped into the cab before he’d even replied, waving at him as the cab drove off. Roly stood there, looking after her in bewilderment. Then he turned and went back to his mum’s house. He needed a sit down and another slice of cake.