Chapter 33
Ella was back where she belonged. Every morning she went to work in Trinity, leaving the bustling city streets behind her as she entered the sanctuary of the cobbled courtyard.
Students called to each other as they weaved past on bicycles or hurried to lectures.
The weather was mild, but autumn was just around the corner, the leaves on the trees turning yellow and crunching underfoot as she made her way across the campus to her tiny office.
She sat at her own desk and had coffee with Hazel at eleven every morning.
She ate lunch in the canteen or got a sandwich and picnicked on the lawn if it was sunny.
She wandered down Grafton Street on her way home, window-shopping and people-watching.
She went for drinks with Hazel and her colleagues. They had sherry with the Dean.
True to her word, Hazel had been conscientious about giving her interesting work and not just lumbering her with the drudgery.
Every day she breathed in the rarefied air of college, absorbing the atmosphere of calm studiousness, and tried to feel the rightness of it.
She was exactly where she was meant to be.
This was the life she’d dreamed of for so long, and she was lucky to be here.
So why was she always reaching for a feeling that wasn’t there?
She told herself it was an adjustment. She’d got used to the dynamic environment of Citizens, and it would take a while to adapt to the more staid pace of academic life, the hierarchical structures, the formality and bureaucracy.
Meanwhile, it was good to have meaningful work to focus on and take her mind off Roly.
When she finished work, she went home and spent the evening cleaning the house.
Her mother and Nora were due back from their trip soon, and she kept herself busy getting the place in shape for their return, scrubbing every inch until her hands were red and raw.
Then she would crash into bed exhausted, too tired to think, and fall into a blessed, oblivious sleep.
Loretta and Christine called and messaged her occasionally, inviting her to knitting club, asking if they’d see her at Pilates.
She felt bad about ignoring their calls or fobbing them off with excuses, but she told herself it was for the best in the long run.
She could only suppose that Roly hadn’t told them why they’d split up. Once he did, they’d stop calling.
There was nothing from Roly. She wasn’t surprised, but she couldn’t help hoping he’d forgive her, even though she knew it was impossible.
Hazel had gone with her to collect the rest of her stuff, but he hadn’t been there.
He’d just left a note asking her to drop the keys through the letterbox when she was done.
* * *
On the day her mother and Nora were coming home, she did a big supermarket shop, buying all the food she imagined they’d been missing while they were away.
Then she went home and prepared a big dinner for the evening, cooking a warming autumnal casserole and a plum tart that Christine had given her the recipe for.
That reminded her of Roly, and she burst into tears that wouldn’t seem to stop.
Eventually she decided to just give into them, and she lay on her bed sobbing for almost an hour.
When she got up, she splashed her face with icy water, and put on some makeup to hide the ravages of her crying jag.
By the time her mother and Nora arrived home, she felt calm and in control again.
She rushed into the hall, her heart skipping at the sight of the two of them, struggling through the door with more bags than they’d left with.
A couple of colourful embroidered holdalls had been added to their luggage.
They were both tanned, a little scruffy and dishevelled, and the most gorgeous sight Ella had ever seen.
‘Welcome home!’ she squealed as they hugged each other. ‘It’s so good to see you two.’
‘It’s so good to see you, darling.’ Her mother squeezed her tight.
Then it was Nora’s turn. ‘We’ve missed you so much.’
‘Are you tired? Hungry? I’ve made dinner.’
‘It smells delicious.’ Her mother sniffed the air. ‘We’re starving!’
‘And we’re not tired at all,’ Nora said. ‘We had a great sleep last night at Heathrow.’
‘It was such a good idea to stay overnight at the airport – especially with all the delays last night. We’d have missed our connecting flight anyway if we’d had one.’
They were still buzzing about their travels, chattering all through dinner about the places they’d been, the things they’d seen and done. Ella was happier than she’d been in ages as she listened to their stories.
‘So, tell us what’s been happening with you since we’ve been gone?’ her mother said. ‘It’s great you got that job with Hazel. It was nice of her to think of you.’
‘Though we’re a bit disappointed you’re not working for Tweedledum and Tweedledee any more. We did love hearing about what went on at that place. They sounded fun.’
‘They were.’ Ella smiled fondly. She missed Citizens so much.
Her mother frowned. ‘But you’re happy working with Hazel? I mean, it’s what you always wanted to do…’
‘I guess.’ She pushed her food around her plate. ‘It’s just… not as interesting as I’d expected, I suppose. And I don’t feel…’
‘What?’
She shrugged. ‘Needed, I guess.’ It sounded daft when she said it out loud – arrogant, even.
It wasn’t as if Jake and Dylan hadn’t been doing perfectly well before she turned up, and no doubt they were managing just fine without her now.
‘I felt like I really made a difference at Citizens, you know?’
‘I’m sure you did.’
‘They were lucky to have you,’ Nora chipped in supportively.
Jake and Dylan had always made Ella feel like that. But she was being childish, expecting her employers to make her feel special – she was a grown-up, for fuck’s sake. She’d done her job well and was paid for it accordingly. She shouldn’t need Smarties and cupcakes to make her feel valued.
‘I suppose it’ll just take a bit of time to adjust,’ her mother said. ‘It’s a different environment.’
‘Yeah, I’m sure that’s all it is.’
‘And what about Roly? How’s he? How come you’re not living with him any more?’
To her horror, Ella felt her eyes well up with tears. She’d kept the details vague while they were travelling. She’d merely told them that she had to move out of Roly’s place, without going into the reason.
‘We thought maybe you two…’ Nora left the sentence hanging suggestively.
Ella swallowed hard and shook her head. ‘It was nothing like that. We were just friends.’
Neither of them looked convinced, and she caught them exchanging a worried look.
‘So what happened there?’ her mum asked. ‘Why did you move out?’
‘Did he meet someone else?’ Nora asked.
‘No. I mean maybe. He might be getting back with his ex, but that’s not why—’ She gasped and a sob escaped as the tears she could no longer hold back spilled from her eyes. ‘Oh God, I messed everything up.’
Her mother took one of her hands, and Nora clasped the other tight.
‘Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s not as bad as you think,’ her mother said.
‘It is.’ She sniffed, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. ‘I did something – years ago – to Roly, and now he’s found out and he’ll never forgive me.’
‘Whatever it is, it can’t be all that bad.’
‘It is, mum. It’s really terrible. You don’t know—’
‘We know you,’ Nora said. ‘You wouldn’t do anything to hurt someone, not deliberately.’
‘Nora’s right. What could you do that would be so dreadful?’
So, when she’d managed to stop her sobs, she told them. She’d never told anyone what had happened that night, what she’d done – not even her mum. Not even Roly, she thought with a pang. It was a secret she’d buried deep inside herself.
‘But you did it for his own good,’ her mother said when she’d finished. ‘You were worried about him – and rightly so, by the sound of it.’
‘You were being a good friend,’ Nora added. ‘You did him a favour. Thanks to you, he got the help he needed.’
‘Roly doesn’t see it that way.’
‘Well, I’m sure he will once he calms down. It must have been a shock when he found out. It’s understandable if he’s upset. But I’m sure he’ll come round and realise that you were just trying to do what was best for him.’
‘But it’s the fact that I didn’t tell him,’ she wailed.
‘That’s the really unforgivable part. I should have told him when we met up again.
Now it’s like I tricked him into—’ She stopped abruptly, realising she’d been about to say ‘into loving me’.
Had Roly loved her? It had felt like it.
‘But he didn’t have all the facts – about his own life.
’ Or about exactly what kind of person he’d fallen in love with.
‘I agree you should have told him,’ her mother said. ‘But I know how hard that would have been and I totally understand why you didn’t.’ She put an arm around Ella and hugged her. ‘Oh, darling, I hate seeing you so unhappy.’
‘We seem to have come back in the nick of time,’ Nora said.
Ruth smiled at her sister and nodded. ‘You do seem to have made a bit of a mess of things while we’ve been away,’ she said to Ella. ‘But it’s nothing that can’t be fixed.’
‘I don’t see how.’
‘Well, let’s start with Tweedledum and Tweedledee. Do you think they’d give you your old job back?’