3. Opaline
Opaline
They insist on physically inspecting my body and tending to my wounds before leaving us. As much as I want them glued to me, the weight of what needs to be said between just Adrian and I builds more each second, leaving an uncomfortable, growing anxiety.
I think their mother-henning may be a little overkill.
Other than the bigger scrapes and feeling a little tired and dehydrated, I feel fine.
Almost as if I were just in a cozy dream for hours or woke up from a nap feeling a little off kilter.
The worst of it was the rush of memories as I fell and had the wind knocked out of me.
I can't blame them, though. If the roles were reversed, I’m not sure I would even be able to leave any of them for a second.
The fact I have people that care this much and love me this much calms a little of my worriment.
With a little more hinting and reassuring cuddles, Calder, Sage, and Everette finally leave to give us a few minutes alone.
The closer they move towards the door, I partially pick up on quiet mutters of something with a ranger being taken care of.
I can't figure out the details of what they're talking about, but it sounds like someone was fired.
The tension and clear anger rolling off of each of them leaves me uneasy.
And while curiosity nearly has me speaking out and chasing after them to soothe whatever's causing their distress, the more urgent twist in my stomach is pulling me to the alpha now alone with me.
The silence hangs in the air for a beat too long, adding to the building tension throughout my body.
Situating myself, I turn more towards him, further untangling my legs enough to cover them again with the blanket.
The soft ruffle of the fabrics touching and moving is the only real sound around us in the room softly illuminated by morning light.
Chancing a look, Adrian's eyes drift towards mine, head hung.
The heaviness in his gaze is a pretty good indication of what's going through his head.
The one, single thing he had so desperately wanted to avoid, finally happened.
To him, this probably feels like the end of the world. His biggest nightmare.
Before he can say anything, just as he opens his mouth to speak, I interrupt.
"I can feel that our recognition bond snapped into place.
" It isn't a question. I can't quite explain the urge to expel the words as quickly as possible, like it's a competition on who voices them first. The recognition between our primals is finally there, in my chest. And while the relief I feel at having this solidified connection is notable, to Adrian, this bond probably feels more like a violation and betrayal of his own body and mind.
"I think it did, yeah," he says softly. Far more gentle than I think I've ever heard him before. The softness there helps turn my spine from stone to jelly, easing some discomfort.
"Well, I know how much you wanted to avoid that.
I don't blame myself, but I am sorry, for your sake, that it happened.
" Even to my own ears, my response comes off as snarky and unempathetic.
The truth is, I do blame myself, though.
None of this would have happened if it weren't for my own fucking stupidity.
I realize a part of me is angry at myself, and the immature parts want to take this out on Adrian, despite knowing how he must be feeling, drowning in overwhelm.
"I'm not." Shock rockets through me, gravity pulling my jaw down.
I'm sure the surprise is evident on my face before I have a chance to school my reaction.
"Opaline, I'm so fucking sorry." His fists clench, eyes landing on my own hands, and it feels like he's trying desperately to stop himself from reaching for me.
"For what?" I whisper, scarcely pulling in air. Being deprived of my ability to breathe is becoming a taxing nuisance.
"So fucking much." He chuffs a weird laugh that isn't slightly humorous. "I thought I had already faced my life's biggest disappointment." His head shakes consistently and slowly. "I was so wrong," he whispers, almost indecipherably.
I'm a tornado of conflicting emotions. Each of them fighting and rising too quickly, leaving me anxious and floaty.
All this time, my longing for Adrian to want me has never truly wavered.
Even through the hurt and ache of my primal wanting him as ours, I tried to honor his boundaries and learn to accept that all I would ever have with him is a spot at his side as his packmate and potentially, his friend.
My chest rises and falls faster as that damning hope starts to light inside my chest at the look he gives me.
Calder must pick up on my internal chaos because a soothing wave of comfort and a general reminder that he's here with me comes through, trying to ground me.
The depth and haunted look behind those amber eyes strikes me, leaving me queasy.
I so greatly want to believe him. To think that maybe he finally wants a future as more than just a friend, more than just a pack mate. But the other part of me, shamefully, is angry.
I'm angry that if this is real, finally, that he took this long and ruined what could have been a perfect start to our relationship.
I'm angry for how he hurt me when we met.
I'm angry for the guilt I carried as his relationship suffered with his pack brothers and Everette, because of me.
And more than anything, I'm angry that I wasn't enough.
I've never been enough; my entire life, I was always looked over or tossed away.
The one god damn person on this fucking planet I was supposed to be good enough for rejected me and humiliated me, leaving me to bear the fucking guilt.
Swallowing deeply, I close my eyes and do my best to tamp down the rising heat and emotion.
I can be angry, yes. I think that’s more than okay.
But as the rush of emotion starts to fade with each slow breath, I remind myself that life isn't perfect.
People aren't perfect. I certainly am not.
Neither are real relationships. I want to create a space where he can feel safe enough to be vulnerable with me because…
I would want the same for myself if the roles were reversed.
I want to hear what he has to say. I need it.
"Why, Adrian?" I urge again, voice nearly breaking. I don't need to clarify or explain. By the devastation on his face and the weight on his downturned shoulders, he knows what I'm asking.
"The way I acted had nothing to do with you, Opaline.
I hope if you take nothing else from what I say, please know that.
I can't bear the thought of you being any more hurt from the damage I've already caused.
" Nodding slightly, I lean in as a signal to go on, jaw somehow both tense and trembling at the vulnerable show, anxious for him to keep going.
"I thought I had met the love of my life, already.
In college, when we were young, I met Natalie.
" He glances purposefully away. With good reason.
Defying logic, my inner omega is offended at the mention of another.
"At one point, she had come home and was a mess after meeting with her family.
They had arranged a meeting with a pack and essentially set up an arranged bonding and ceremony without her knowledge or consent. "
He nods weakly, as if recalling the day and the conversation over in his head.
"We were in love and young and, frankly, foolish.
We ran and tried to start a life together in a whole new city, left college and everything to get her out of the arrangement.
" He pauses, eyes roaming over random objects in his bedroom, touches of gold and cream standing out against the deep blues throughout.
"Only, within a couple of months…she suddenly started getting sick and not feeling well.
And it only kept getting worse. We were constantly in and out of doctors trying to figure out why she was sick.
Hell, we started wondering if it was cancer, it was so severe and so quick. "
Tears start forming in his eyes, the liquid glowing silver against the sunlight filtering in behind me.
"I started working multiple jobs to pay for doctor visits and labs and tests, everything she needed done.
I was working so much I didn't even get to see her anymore, other than when we were both sleeping.
I was exhausted but kept going, somehow. I had no other choice."
He sniffles, fingers dancing and intertwining in his lap.
I watch as the tears fall freely down his cheeks, the despair in his eyes as he loses the battle to prevent his face from crumpling in agony at the memories.
It takes everything, absolutely everything in me to not listen to my screaming inner omega, to not comfort and soothe and do everything I can to stop his pain.
To stop my mate's pain. "I finally found out, when I was at my limit with the doctors and wanted to speak to one of them directly instead of them just going through her," he chuffs, shaking his head, "the reason she was sick was because she had met her scent match and I wasn't it.
The pack that had been arranged for her to bond had two of her scent matches and their recognition bonds had snapped into place. "