28. Opaline
Opaline
Closing my eyes, I focus on each wiggling thread in my chest, tying them back to each of my alphas.
Sage's bond is so bright with satisfaction and happiness that I can't fathom how I went so long without sharing this connection with him.
Calder's is steady and pure strength with a vibration akin to a storm in its power. Not in a scary 'shit, there's a tornado coming straight for me' way; in the 'I have the force of thunder and lightning at my beck and call, a constant shield from threat and danger' type of way.
And Adrian… Adrian is intense. Not storm-scary, but still intense.
It's like having a two-headed Doberman at my side, ready to attack at a moment's notice.
There are hints of his sometimes near-feral energy.
But there is also this entirely opposing energy…
like a sheepdog trying to resist the urge to shepherd me into a padded room and wrap me in thick bubble wrap to keep me safe.
I nearly snort at the image my brain is conjuring of his duality.
Instinctively, I reach for my fourth and meet nothing, coming to a pause.
It's like… there's the space there, dedicated specifically for him.
But it's cold and dark and uncomfortable, not exciting and full of life like it should be.
It's immediately off-putting, and I find myself wanting to pull back, shivers and goosebumps zipping over my arms, eyes flying open to make it stop.
Something's missing, and the sudden sadness born of unease twists in my stomach, stilling my breath.
I'm having the perfect day with all of my mates, but it isn't quite right. There's a hole exactly where my sweet, gentle alpha should be. A painful gap in my chest that's waiting for his presence, his essence to fill and join the other three bonds that sit beautifully and dreamily there.
Everette is my cozy, safe space to land, knowing I'm taken care of and can fully let my guard down with his arms around me.
I never have to be a specific version of myself with him.
We don't even need to speak when together.
Somehow, we're able to feel into the other and know exactly what's unsaid.
I see everything just from looking into his beautiful, deep eyes.
Truthfully, on more than one occasion, I've found myself wondering if there's a possibility we're more than mates or scent matches.
I don't know the lore of actual, true soulmates. The word gets tossed around a bit more freely in relation to scent matches, but true soulmates exist. The very thought of it sends electricity igniting throughout my body in an instant, only building my intrigue.
I want to feel him all the time, fully, no guessing, no inkling of wondering or doubt. I need him.
We haven't even had a date just the two of us yet. I've gotten privacy and solo time with each of them, except him.
I'm not sure why it's hitting me so suddenly and so deeply, seemingly out of nowhere. I was fine all day…drowning in bliss and basking in their affections. But any happiness I was feeling starts to burn to ash, falling all over the flowers in my hands.
I realize how my actions may be coming across to him, how I've probably made him feel, assuming he's my last choice.
I can't believe I've been so selfish, not taking his feelings into consideration.
The guilt of how I've probably made him feel is suddenly so heavy I can barely breathe, liquid heat pooling behind my eyes.
I deliberately turn away from others just enough so they don't see my emotions fighting to spill out of me.
A low, protective growl starts to rattle somewhere behind me, but it's cut off quickly with an 'oomphh'.
I have to fix this. I'm not sure I can though.
I'm not sure this is something that can be fixed, because it's permanent.
The choices I've made to this point are permanent.
There are no take backs or rethinking which of them would be 'last' to finalize our bonds.
Shamefully, the thought just hadn't occurred to me.
I had felt like I was following my heart.
But what if my heart was wrong? My perfect Ever.
I know there's a learning curve as we all navigate our relationships as we grow.
But for me to not even realize how my actions were affecting my sweet alpha…
caught up in my own excitement. I do my best to slam down the barrier between the rest of my bonds to stop my shame from spreading to them.
I can't ruin this day and everything they've planned to make it so wonderful and enjoyable.
Warm arms wrap around me, a chin resting on top of my head and moving to my shoulder.
"I don't think so, babygirl. We all got a glimpse of what's floating through that head of yours," Calder whispers, "and I promised I would protect you.
Even from yourself. I don't know if there's something in the water here, but it seems to me that you and Ever need to have some time shared between just the two of you. "
I loosen the reins in the effort to keep them disconnected from me and feel each of their support immediately.
This is what it's like being in a pack, isn't it? Having…a family.
I know that no matter what, no matter how heavy my emotions are, my pack will be there to help carry the burden and maybe even help guide me through it to the other side. Because with them, there will always be another side waiting.