Chapter 23
After a long day and a rollercoaster of emotions, Remedy roamed into the living room where Erys sat staring at his phone.
“The aide comes tomorrow for a trial run-through,” he muttered, scrolling through the detailed doctor’s notes. Remedy sat on the couch with him and handed him a glass of whiskey. “Thank you. He’s sleeping?”
She nodded. “Lots of tears and questions and a back rub before he finally went down. How are you feeling?”
Erys dropped his phone on the ottoman and sat back, taking the glass from Remedy. “I knew this was coming. But then all those good days he has, I started believing that maybe it was something else. Not this. There’s a part of me wanting to psych myself out which isn’t like me.”
“You’re finding out new things about yourself every step of this journey. There’s days I want to believe it’s a dream or I’m making up what I’m looking at. Literally grieving someone while they’re still here,” Remedy said, placing her hand on the back of his neck.
“Grieving it all and regretting it all. Feeling helpless, out of control…all these fuckin’ feelings. They’re on overload.”
She watched him take a long sip and then place his glass down. “Tell me what’s the most prevalent.”
Erys pulled in a breath and pushed it out slowly.
“Sadness. Fuckin’ sad. That man was larger than everything.
So everything I felt toward him had to be bigger than that.
I had to show and make him feel that pain I felt.
Not just my mother’s pain. But mine. We can joke all day but the pain is he was three blocks over and he was too stubborn and I wasn’t even fully developed to realize we needed each other.
So I sit in this feeling of regret and sadness.
Because if it’s fuck everything he was, at his core, he’s my father.
And I’m thirty-five with a small window left to have my father. ”
Remedy wiped the tears that fell from his eyes. “What you’re feeling is normal, E. You’re human. And learning how to heal the most precious part of yourself.”
“What’s that?” he posed.
“Your little boy. Dare I say it, it’s the abandonment you feel. I’m familiar with it. The trouble with that is, if we don’t let it go, we won’t grow,” Remedy buzzed.
He repositioned himself to lay in her lap and she welcomed it.
Caressing the top of his head and the side of his face, like May used to do to her.
“You know, what I think might help you is hearing his story. No matter how ugly, how dark, how nasty it is. You went away and fought wars that weren’t yours while Ernie self-medicated and ran from wars that were his.
Consider this your second chance at getting it right. Heal your inner child and his.”
“How are you going to heal yours?” Erys asked.
“By living without fear keeping me stuck. Every day I wake up next to you is a day I’m choosing to walk by faith. Small things like that. You know, not being so…what’d you call me, mean and stubborn as fuck?”
“I called your ass possessive and you’re proving that you aren’t playing about us.”
“Oh, baby I’m not. You hit that spot now I’m crazy, congratulations,” she teased.
Erys picked up her hand and kissed the palm. “You been crazy, I just knew how to bring it out. No one else is walking around slapping a known killer. Anyway, you ready for tomorrow?”
“Scared, but I already said yes and once I say yes, I don’t typically back out.”
“I’m proud of you, Rem. For real. If you ever think you’re not doing enough, remember you’re doing beyond it.”
“Thank you, Franklin, I appreciate it. You too. For real. You’re like the most pleasant surprise a girl could ask for.”
“You too, Mouth. Got a nigga cuddling and shit.”
“You’ve never been held and it shows. You end up in my arms every night.”
“Shit is safe, warm, and you smell good,” he muttered, kissing her knee. “This has been the best sleep I’ve gotten in my whole life.
Remedy settled under him. Erys snuggled against her. “Go to sleep.”
“You too. You’ve been fighting all day.”
Remedy chuckled and kissed the top of his head. “She called you handsome, I wasn’t having it.”
“Keep that energy. I like that shit.”
“I know, because you’re crazy.”
Sweat, heavy breathing, her heart pounding out of her chest shocked her body out of the restful sleep.
She hadn’t admitted it, but tucked under Erys had been the best sleep she’d gotten too.
It regulated her. But right now, her mind was in overdrive and her body was writhing.
Not wanting to wake up Erys, she wiggled from under him and tiptoed out of the room.
The coolness of the floor was an additional system shock forcing a river of tears to fall from her eyes.
“Come on, Rem,” she muttered to herself as she hurried down the stairs. “This is stupid. Why are you crying?”
The irritation with herself made this all the worse.
She paced the floor, took the deep breaths, but it wasn’t until she laid on the floor like May used to tell her.
Flat on her back, eyes closed, Remedy focused on what she could feel, hear, and smell.
Her eyes didn’t open until she felt the comfort of Erys lying down by her and placing his hand in hers.
“What can you see?” he softly asked, her eyes instantly fluttering open.
Remedy pulled in a deep breath and let her tearful orbs fall on him. “You.”
“What can you hear?” he continued.
“The house, it’s still.”
“What can you smell?” he asked.
“The house. It smells like…cyclamen and neroli. A hint of vanilla. And you, I can smell you,” she replied, not letting her eyes drift off of him. “Faint whisky and amber from the lotion.”
Erys reached out and gently stroked the side of her face.
“I felt you shake under me. I thought I was dreaming. You know I didn’t dream before you…
now, every dream is about you. How my body has been conditioned to feeling the rhythm of yours.
Heart rate, resting ranges from seventy to eighty beats per minute when you hit REM.
When you’re trying to wrestle with your sleep and your mind is going, ninety to one hundred. I felt you at one hundred and twenty.”
Remedy drew in a deep breath and shakingly pushed it out. “What if I’m not good enough? Like what if I get there and do the things and I’m not good enough?”
Erys hummed sweetly. “The day you see yourself as big as everyone else does, is going to be a beautiful day. Until then, I’ll paint you the canvas in all the vibrance you house.
You big enough, strong enough, worthy enough, and better than good.
You were called for a time such as this and you’ll be great at it because everything you were given has made room for you.
All you have to do, Strawberry, is walk into the room. ”
Remedy sniffled.
“You’re scared?”
She nodded. “Out of my mind.”
Erys wiped her tears. “How many times in your life have you been this scared?”
“More than I want to count,” she mumbled back.
“You made it through all of them, though,” Erys said with such a soft gaze. Dare she call it love. “Heart rate spiked. What was that?”
She shook her head. “Nothing… I made it through everything. Somehow.”
“You’re not in survival mode anymore, baby,” he assured with a kiss to the back of her hand. “You’re walking into the chapter of your life where you get to live and beam as bright as you’re supposed to. You won’t shrink yourself and you damn sure won’t fail. Hear me?”
“I do,” she replied with a nod.
“Now tell me what you hear,” he urged, moving closer to her.
Remedy closed her eyes and nestled her face into his chest. “Us.”
“What you smell?” Erys quizzed, rubbing her spine.
“Us.”
“What do you feel?”
“Us.”
He kissed the top of her wrapped hair, forehead, then tilted her chin up to kiss her lips. “I got you.”
“Thank you,” Remedy buzzed between kisses, holding on to his forearm.
“Want to lie here a little while longer?”
“Please?”
He nodded, nuzzling his nose against hers and kissing her lips before inhaling the sweetness of her scent. “Whatever you need. Whatever you want. Whatever is necessary. I got you.”