32. Chapter 32 #2
"Even knowing everything I know," he adds, "I wouldn't change a thing.
We've been… been here before. I'm going through it again and I would do it again and again— in a heartbeat.
I just… All I have to do is accept the cracks in my heart when it all ends.
I will… I'll mend it better this time around. Easy peasy… I think."
Then he chuckles.
Like his words are not putting my chest in a vise with comments like this. It could be the drugs but, if there's an ounce of truth to it, damn. Yeah. My heart will have cracks I'll have to accept too.
"All right, then," Saint smirks.
Logan shakes his head. "I think that's our cue."
"It's not what you think," I try.
"It's a full house for Mr. Wright," someone with a white coat says from the door.
They're accompanied by two people wearing the Strike's medical team shirt.
"We're kicking you out now," one of them says. "We want one last exam and then it's rest for him, before the flight home with you all tomorrow."
"Thank you for coming, guys. I love you." Dom gazes at his friends.
Tenderness mends something inside of me.
His friends respond with affection too, patting him and smiling his way.
This group treats themselves as a family, though no blood ties bind them.
With lots of luck, I might get a slice of that feeling for myself too.
And if I play my cards right, that's a deep connection I can rely on without the risk of heartbreaking goodbyes.
But as of now? It's missing for me. Though I'm coming to understand that I've craved it for a long time.
"See you soon, beautiful." Dom squeezes my hand. "I don't want you to be too worried… but try to be a little worried."
"I'm a little worried still," I murmur.
He gives me a sleepy smile. "Good. Maybe you'll text me later to let me know, when you can spare a minute."
He still doesn't realize I'm really here.
It makes me want to stay. I want him to know I gambled a lot coming here, and we lost the advantage now that his friends know there's something between us, but I care enough to be here.
I'd like him to see I'm torn. That I want to give him a kiss, maybe on the temple, so his friends don't make a big deal.
Tell him Cora got us on the team's plane and I'll fly back home with everyone in the morning, and I'd love to go to his home to help him out at night when there's no one else around.
And it's terrifying that a part of me wishes I could drop a casual 'I love you' like he did with his friends.
Except, no. I can't wish that. I don't even…
feel… that. Wait. No, of course I don't. It's affection.
Care. That's why I'm here in the hospital room despite everything.
And Dom's got it right— this is our chance to do things differently.
This time, we can avoid pain like I thought I wouldn't survive.
This agreement with Dom will lead me to all sorts of difficult choices. I need to be ready. I need to be careful. And I need to find a way not to let it rob me of all the amazing feelings I'm getting to feel again.
So I don't tell him any of what I feel. But, fuck it. I kiss his temple and smile goodbye, before I leave with his friends.
Before they can ask me any questions, I tell them I'll see them at the airport the next morning and leave.
I spend a restless night alone in the hotel.
My alarm goes off before I'm ready to start my day, but I shower and collect my things quickly.
The whole time, my mind goes round and round, with a whole new set of worries blaring their alarms.
When his friends gaze at me as I come onto the team's plane, I pretend I don't see them. I take my seat next to Cora and get my phone out to text Dom. He's flying with the team for a full second round of check ups in Seattle, but I sat down so fast I don't know where he is on the aircraft.
Mariana: I'll call you tonight, ok? Maybe I can go see you and we can talk. And you'll need some help, right?
Dom: We might want to talk, yeah, but I'll be fine.
Mariana: Are you still on painkillers?
Dom: I am, but they gave me something different.
Mariana: That sounds like a good thing.
Dom: I'm avoiding that other stuff for the rest of my life.
Mariana: Smart. I hope you have a good flight and you're not in a lot of pain. Talk to you later.
I put the phone away to find Cora watching me with a smirk.
"I heard you went to see him in the hospital, you know?" she says.
"I care about him," I confess in a low voice. "In spite of everything. Because of everything. I was worried for him."
"I'm not judging you, but I'm thinking of the possible consequences."
"Well, maybe this is my chance to own my decisions. If only I could stop caring about what other people think so much…"
Cora and I know I'm mostly thinking about Mom and Dad.
She sighs. "No, hermanita. What you need is to learn to be okay when they disapprove. Let them think you're wrong. Who cares? As the designated black sheep child, I promise it will be okay."
"I hate that they might never understand my choices."
She pats my leg. "You'll be okay. We'll keep each other company. We can share a knowing look when they get judgy. Or send each other venting texts when you're back in England."
"Do you think I'll get to make my own way there? With Maisie? If Mom and Dad don't trust me, I don't think they'll green light the projects I'm hoping to carry over there. And with Mom still presiding over the board…"
"I don't know how things are going to go there, but you know what?" She gazes at me with smiling eyes, and it pulls a smile from my lips too. "I still think you can find your own way. Even if they don't approve. You can find your happiness somehow, and that will make them relent. Eventually."
Her support sows seeds of trust in my chest. Hope waters them. I take a deep breath, and let the landscape begin to change, just to have that kind of relief bubbling up inside.
Yeah, I can find my way. I have everything I need— more than most people have. It's why I'm here… to give myself the chance to build something according to my rules. To have evidence of what I can do. All that's left is time, and the commitment to keep on keeping on.
I hook my arm around my sister's and lean my head on her shoulder.
"Thank you, Cora. I'm so glad I get to have this year with you. And that I have a few therapy sessions booked for after the Strike events in December. I'll need them."
"Some sisterly love and a professional's expert brain cleanup. What else does a girl need?"
I laugh and close my eyes, breathing light again for the first time in a couple of days.