Chapter 30
LUKE
What the fuck have I done?
My chest feels tight, and my breathing is short and shallow.
I’m vibrating with full-body chills, even though I don’t think it’s that cold in this hotel room.
Rod has emerged from the bathroom, and I think he’s trying to speak to me, but everything sounds distorted and far away, like I’m underwater.
I’m such a fucking idiot. I’ve been so afraid to bring up the incident with Cooper in our house—and more afraid of his reaction to it—that I didn’t take Riley’s biggest rule into account.
It’s the one thing he mentioned the very first night we met.
I had so much anxiety over the thought of having to share him with someone else, and I just thought maybe a little bit of that scotch would take the edge off, the way it has the other times I’ve felt nervous or stressed.
Now I’ve broken two of Riley’s rules, and he walked out on a shoot, and I don’t see how I’m ever going to recover from this.
This is my worst nightmare coming true, and I have no one to blame but myself.
A gentle touch to my shoulder pulls me out of the dark waves of my thoughts, and my lungs finally pull in a full breath and let it out in a gasp.
“Hey, mate, it’s alright,” Rod says slowly, as if speaking to a spooked animal. “We can take a rain check, okay? You want me to drive you home?”
My emotions swing to the opposite end of the pendulum, and I’m overwhelmed by the kindness of his offer and understanding in his eyes.
I can feel my lower lip trembling, and I will not let myself lose it here.
I nod, not trusting my voice, and fumble to get my keys out of my pocket and hand them over.
Rod claps me on the shoulder with a sympathetic smile, and we head downstairs.
I’m quiet the whole drive home. It feels weird to be in the passenger seat of my own vehicle, and I would have been fine to drive, but there’s no way I’m letting Riley see me behind the wheel right now.
Rod is chattering away, filling the awkward silence with anything and everything that pops into his mind.
I’m grateful that he’s not judging me or trying to give me advice I didn’t ask for.
Although I could probably use some, since I obviously only know how to make a bad situation worse lately.
We arrive at the condo all too soon, and I order a car for Rod back to his hotel. It’s the least I can do after wasting his time.
He sits down on the curb to wait, and I do my best to mentally prepare to face my boyfriend.
“Luke?” he calls when I’m halfway to the door.
I turn to face him. “I don’t know what’s going on, but I do know one thing.
That boy adores you. Anyone who’s seen your work together can tell, and I know you can work it out. Just talk to him.”
I nod and try for a smile, my throat feeling tight and my eyes burning. Rod and I have only chatted casually, mostly about work and trying to coordinate something, but I owe him big time for this. It’s his bottom line that’s being affected by my fuckup, not just mine and Riley’s.
God, Riley… How am I ever going to be able to face him?
Taking a deep breath, I let myself into the condo.
It’s completely silent, and at first, I think maybe he isn’t home, when I notice the patio door cracked open just a sliver.
Swallowing hard and bracing myself for whatever is next, I put my phone and my keys on the entry table and make my way outside.
I don’t know what I expected to find, but the sight of Riley’s sweet, pillow-soft lips set into a hard line and his eyes red-rimmed like he’s been crying nearly breaks me.
He’s staring at the wall, eyes unfocused and bright with tears again.
“I’m not interested in your excuses, so unless you’re here to tell me the truth about what’s been going on, I don’t want to hear it. ”
His voice is flat and lifeless, and suddenly I feel like the world’s biggest coward.
I’m the one who did this to him because I was too scared to open up, and even now, that fear hasn’t abated.
I swallow around the lump in my throat, unsure of what to say other than, “I’m sorry, sunshine. I…don’t know what I was thinking.”
A lie. I was thinking that I was going to lose my goddamn mind if I had to watch Riley with someone else in front of my own two eyes.
It’s one thing to know that it’s happening conceptually, but another entirely to see it.
He hasn’t asked me to edit his videos since we started collabing with other people again, and I was relieved.
If I don’t have to see it, I can just ignore it.
Clocking the lie immediately, Riley turns a sharp gaze on me.
His eyes are the lightest green, almost translucent.
The fury building around him, combined with his soft, angelic features, makes him look kind of terrifying.
“If you’re going to stick to that line, then we have nothing to talk about,” he spits.
“You’re right.” I raise my palms in surrender. “I’m sorry.”
Riley clenches his fists and squeezes his eyes shut, a tear slipping free anyway and rolling down his cheek. “Stop. Fucking. Saying that.”
I’m not sure if he wants a response, so I stay quiet, trying my best not to spiral into a panic that will make things worse.
After a moment, he opens his eyes and pins me with a look that almost brings me to my knees.
I expected anger, or even disappointment.
But the pure anguish written across his face is almost too much to bear.
I did that to him. I did that, with my carelessness and selfishness, and I don’t know how to undo it now.
I open my mouth to say…I don’t know what.
Probably to apologize again. But he holds up a hand, stopping me.
“I don’t want to hear it right now.” The ice in his voice is sharp and cuts me to the core immediately.
“Do you know what it’s been like for me these past few weeks?
Do you have any clue what it feels like to walk on eggshells around the person you care most about during the day, and then to have that same person melt into you at night as though nothing is wrong?
Do you know how upsetting and confusing that is?
Because I could write the book on it now, Luke.
I thought maybe it was just nerves, that maybe you just needed time to adjust to this new normal, but nothing I did helped.
Nothing I said made you want to let me into whatever it is you were feeling, and it makes me wonder if I even know you at all. ”
“I didn’t know,” I whisper, dropping my gaze.
I can’t bear to look at the pain in his face any longer, even though I know I deserve it.
I’m too much of a coward to face the consequences of my actions, even now.
He doesn’t interject, and I take that as a sign to continue.
“I didn’t know how to say what I was feeling.
So I thought maybe if I ignored it, I wouldn’t have to deal with it, I guess?
I know you don’t want to hear it, but I’m sorry, Ry. ”
A frustrated sigh escapes him, and I force myself to meet his eye again.
“I know it doesn’t mean anything, and I know it’s too late,” I try again.
“But I didn’t know how to handle everything changing so suddenly…
and I didn’t know how badly it would hurt you.
I know I’ve been a dick. I do. And I don’t have any excuse for that.
But please…please let me make it up to you. ”
He raises a skeptical eyebrow at that, but some of the fire has gone out of his eyes. “And how do you plan to do that?” he asks warily.
My mind is racing. I didn’t think this through. “We could go away,” I blurt, the idea forming on the fly.
“How is that supposed to help?” The anger has dissipated, and now he just sounds exhausted.
“Let’s take a long weekend somewhere close by,” I insist, taking a step toward him.
He gives me a warning look, and I stop in my tracks.
“No collabs, no cameras, just me and you. And we can talk, and you can ask me anything you want, and I’ll try and answer.
I promise I will. We can go to Palm Springs tomorrow!
Rent a house and just reconnect. We haven’t been anywhere since we got back from Oklahoma—maybe the change of scenery will help. ”
He doesn’t say anything, his expression unreadable.
“Please, Ry.” I know I’m begging now. I don’t care. “Please let me make this up to you.”
Riley sighs, his eyes falling shut and tension draining from his body, as if he’s already tired of this conversation and he’ll say anything for it to end. “Fine. But I can’t do this with you now. I’m going upstairs to take a nap. Figure out a plan and let me know.”
I spend the rest of the afternoon searching for rentals in Palm Springs that are available last minute.
Options were slim, but fortunately, I was able to find a beautiful mid-century home that had a late cancellation.
It cost me an arm and a leg, but I don’t even care.
It will be worth it if I can get my shit together and make everything right with Riley.
After double-checking the confirmation email, I sigh and close my laptop, resting my head on the back of the couch.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. The past few weeks have been hell for me, too, but the more I avoided figuring out the actual problem, the harder it was to close the distance that stretched between us.
There were so many times I felt like I was drowning in all of the guilt and shame I was carrying around, and Riley would throw me a life raft just by being his kind, warm, caring self…
but my fear of what might happen if I let myself take it outweighed the fear of drowning, so I kept sinking further and further into the cold, lonely depths of my own mind.