Chapter 34
LUKE
The buzz of the tattoo needle is oddly relaxing, and I wonder why I never thought to use ink to self-medicate instead of alcohol.
Something about the vibration against my chest and the firm pressure of Marco’s gloved hand as he occasionally wipes away the excess ink makes it easy to quiet my mind.
I’m not sure any form of self-medication would have been healthier than another…
but I survived my fortieth year, and I wanted to celebrate turning forty-one with something meaningful.
I didn’t tell anyone except my therapist that I booked this appointment.
My mind was made up, and I didn’t want any of my friends to try and talk me out of it.
I thought long and hard about what I wanted to do to acknowledge the hardest year of my life.
It might not make sense to some, but this tattoo is the perfect reminder of the year of the lowest lows and the most profound growth.
“I’d tell you to take a look and let me know what you think,” Marco drawls as he carefully places the clear bandage over his finished work, “but it’s permanent now, so I guess fuck you if you hate it.”
I laugh at that and hop out of the chair to take a look in the mirror.
I’ve always worked hard on my body, but now more than ever, I like what I see.
I’ve been more committed to my overall health this past year, and it shows in my muscle gains, sure, but also in the coloring of my skin, the brightness of my eyes, and the deepening of the smile lines that I used to hate so much.
The addition of the bright yellow-orange sun on my left pec makes me grin wide, and I know immediately that this was the right choice.
“It’s perfect, Marco,” I assure him, ghosting my fingers over the bandage.
Riley and I have been apart longer than we were together now, but his love changed my life irrevocably, as did the grief that followed.
If it weren’t for him, I never would have known I was capable of that kind of love, and I never would have had the courage to face the deeply rooted attachment issues from my past. He helped me realize that I had spent most of my life just existing, too afraid to be close to anyone or deviate from what I’ve always known.
Now, after therapy and reflection and learning to be kind to myself and so much heartache, I’ve come out of this past year more whole than I’ve ever been.
So it’s only fitting that I keep my sunshine right next to my heart forever…
and right above my piercing he loved so much.
“So, which one of those hurt the most?” I ask Marco, gesturing vaguely up and down the length of his tattooed body as I pull my tank top back over my head.
He’s one of a handful of friends I’ve made recently as part of my sober tribe, and it feels good to have a solid group of friends for the first time in my life.
It’s still challenging for me to open up fully sometimes, but I’m getting better at it every day.
“Well, these were no walk in the park, that’s for sure,” Marco chuckles, running his hand over his shaved scalp. “Hands and feet weren’t exactly butterfly kisses either. But it’s worth it. You know.”
“I do,” I agree with a smile, swiping my credit card and writing in a hefty tip. “You coming tonight?”
“Wouldn’t miss it, brother,” Marco assures me, slapping me on the back. “Not every day I get to celebrate one of the best people I know still being older than me.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I snort, shaking my head. Jess organized a birthday dinner, and it’s the first time I’ve ever celebrated myself as an adult.
I actually have friends to invite this year; real ones, not casual business acquaintances I used to see a couple of times a year at gay ticketed events.
In the past, something like this would have triggered so much anxiety, but today, I’m kind of excited.
It feels good to know that I finally have the family I always wanted—especially because they’re chosen family—and that I got there by putting in the work and allowing myself to learn to let people into my life.
I walk out of Marco’s tattoo parlor with a spring in my step and head to the beach to meet Jess for tacos.
“Happy Birthday!” she shrieks as soon as I walk in the door.
A few heads turn, and one guy even does a double take, as if he’s trying to figure out where he knows me from.
I shush her and sit down quickly with my back to the onlooker.
I’ve never been ashamed of my job, but it’s always a strange feeling when a total stranger recognizes me because they’ve seen me naked on the internet.
“You’re going to see me in a few hours. Taking me to lunch too seems like overkill, don’t you think?” I muse, reaching across the table for the menu. I don’t know why I bother to look, I always order the same thing…but maybe today is the day I’ll branch out.
“No way,” Jess says emphatically. “This is the first time you’ve ever let me even acknowledge your birthday, I’m going all out.” She frowns suddenly and grabs my arm as I reach for the chips and salsa. “Hang on, what is that?”
I glance down and see where my tank top is gaping open just enough for the bandage on my chest to be visible. Well, that was the world’s shortest-kept secret. “I got myself a birthday gift.”
Jess’s eyes widen excitedly. “That looks like a tattoo bandage! You got a tattoo and didn’t tell me?! I would have gone with you!”
“I know, I just kind of wanted to do it for myself, you know?” I pop a chip into my mouth and pause to order a ginger ale when the waitress stops by.
“So let me see it!” Jess says impatiently, wiggling in her seat. “What did you get?”
I sigh and roll my eyes, pulling my shirt aside to reveal the fresh ink.
Jess’s hazel eyes widen and flick between my face and my chest a few times. “Is that for…?”
“Yes,” I answer quickly, suddenly feeling insecure about what she might think or say about it.
I remember some of the coping mechanisms I learned in therapy, and remind myself that even if Jess doesn’t agree or approve, it doesn’t mean that I made a bad decision or that she doesn’t love me still, and the truth of those reminders chases away the fear.
“Well, it’s beautiful work,” she says after a moment. “Did Marco do it for you?”
“Of course,” I reply, grinning. “There’s no one else I would have asked.”
Jess tilts her head and swirls her straw in her soda, studying me for a moment. There’s no judgment in her tone when she asks, “What made you decide to get a tattoo for Riley?”
Now I understand the hesitation. She’s rarely mentioned him by name over the past year, because for a long time, it hurt me to hear it.
I suspect that they’ve kept in touch, even though Riley shut down his Fanboy site, but I’ve never asked.
I’m not sure if it would make me feel better or worse to know that they were talking this whole time.
“He changed my life,” I say softly. “I don’t think I ever would have gotten to this amazing place I’m in now without him.
” I swallow hard at the unexpected emotion rising.
I haven’t cried in a while; mostly when I think of Riley now, it’s with love and admiration.
I still keep up with his travels, but not as much as I used to, now that Scott seems to be a permanent fixture in his life.
I want him to be happy, but I’m not sure I’m ready to see him with someone else yet.
Jess sits back against the booth, a glint in her eye that I can’t decipher. “I’m glad you brought that up, because there’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about.”
My heart stutters for a beat and then picks up the pace. I haven’t really talked about Riley with anyone but my therapist in so long, I’m suddenly not sure if I’m ready for whatever she’s about to say. I busy myself looking at the menu again just so I can have something to do with my hands.
“How’s work been going?”
It wasn’t the question I was expecting at all, and my eyes immediately fly back to my friend. “Fine,” I say cautiously. “Why do you ask?”
The truth is, work has never felt more tedious and exhausting.
I’ve limited the pool of creators I work with, and most of my scene partners are people I’ve worked with before and can feel comfortable with, but I still don’t enjoy the actual act of having sex on camera anymore.
I love when I can work with another creator who has a similar vision as me and is more focused on the overall vibe and visuals of the video rather than just a quick trip to pound town recorded on a cell phone, and I enjoy the actual process of editing and making the videos look beautiful.
But sex itself just isn’t that enjoyable to me anymore.
I’ve wondered if I’m finally burnt out, but I’m actually starting to think maybe I lean closer to demisexual on the spectrum of sexuality.
In hindsight, sex has never been a need for me in the same way that it seemed to be for other gay men, and I just assumed it was because I was getting plenty in my job.
But I was always reluctant to go out and get it outside of work, and once I experienced the intense emotional connection of sex with Riley, doing the deed just for the purpose of getting off doesn’t really work for me anymore.
At times, I struggle to even get hard with a scene partner.
Prior to Riley, I thought it might just be due to my age, but I don’t think I’ve ever been as hard in my entire life as I always was with Riley.
The sight and the feel and the smell of him were more arousing than anyone else, and I could never last very long with him.
I don’t think I’ve ever really believed in soulmates, and I don’t want to start now, because I can’t let myself entertain the idea that I may have had mine and pushed him away. But there’s no denying the sex between us was on another level than anything I’ve ever experienced before or since.