Chapter 34 #2
“I lost my cool when I found out you were all here without me,” he continues, and my heart squeezes in pain at his words.
“My mom mentioned it, thinking I was invited because you were going, and, well …” he trails off, swallowing thickly.
“I was hurt and upset. It’s still no excuse for speaking to you like that.
It was passive-aggressive of me—or just plain aggressive—and it’s not cool. ”
I bite my swollen lip, and his gaze zeroes in on it.
For a moment, I think he’s going to lean in again, but he squeezes his eyes shut and pushes on, knowing this conversation needs to happen.
“After everything … I want us to be better than this. I don’t want avoidance, or— or omittance, Steph.
We need to communicate even if it sucks. ”
“I know,” I agree in a whisper, feeling appropriately chastened. “You’re right.” I hate that I hurt him, that we keep doing this dance.
“I don’t want resentments and misunderstandings,” he pushes.
“I get it, Riley.”
“Do you?” He pins me with a look, his eyes swimming with emotion. “Because it’s always two steps forward and one step back with you.”
I drop my gaze to stare at the ground. I know he’s right. It’s so unfair what I keep doing to him.
“Things have been so great between us for months now, but still you hesitate. I don’t know how else to prove to you that I’m here to stay, that I’m in this. You’re still having doubts, and I—”
“Not about us,” I stop him, stepping into his space and pressing a hand to his chest. I bite my lip and hold his gaze so he knows I mean it. “I don’t have doubts about us.”
“It’s about Matt,” he murmurs.
I nod.
“It’s always about Matt.”
I drop my hand from his chest and step back, letting out a sad sigh.
“I’m trying to be patient here, baby. You said you’d think about it.
I’m not pushing you to tell him. I get you’re not ready for that, but what did you think would happen if I came today?
There’s a crowd of people out there, for God’s sake!
” He points in the direction of the beach.
“It would have been the perfect opportunity to ease the boys into it. Us. I wouldn’t even have had to interact with Matt or Alex one-on-one.
I mean, Jesus, Steph, he knows about us.
The whole town does by now, so why are you still treating me like a dirty secret? ”
“You’re not.”
He lets out a harsh, disbelieving laugh. “I’m just not invited around your friends or family.”
My shoulders slump, my eyes stinging with tears, because I don’t know what to say. Because he’s right. He’s so right, and I really fucked this up.
“It’s not like the boys haven’t both met me before,” he continues. “What’s the harm in getting them used to me being around? It can only help us later when you are ready to talk to Matt.”
“I just—” I stop, feeling panicky.
“Just what?”
“I feel like you want it so bad, you’ll give yourself away.”
He tips his head back on his shoulders, face to the canopy above, and lets out a long sigh. When he drops his gaze to mine again, his eyes are red-rimmed. “I might,” he acknowledges quietly. “But the longer you keep us apart, the harder it’s going to be for me to keep my cool, Sunshine.”
His use of the endearment settles something in me. We’ll get through this, just as we’ve gotten through everything else. I know we will.
Riley reaches out a hand in offering, and I take it, entwining my fingers with his.
“I want so badly to know him,” he says. “I want to shout it from the rooftops that he’s mine. That all three of you are mine. I want us to be a family.” He squeezes my hand. My heart hurts because I want that too. I do. I’m just so afraid of how we get there.
“My entire family is out on that beach together without me,” he says wistfully. “And most of them don’t even know it.”
Wait—
Most?
My eyes widen in alarm at his words, as the memory of Aidan’s face flashes in my mind. The strange looks he’s been giving me all day, the tender way he stared at my son.
“What do you mean ‘most of them don’t know it?’”
He squeezes my hand once more. “I’m sorry, but I needed someone to talk to. And you know I’ve been trying to reconnect with my brother.”
“Aidan knows,” I breathe, pulling my hand from his and retreating a few steps. “Fuck,” I whisper, turning away from him. “Fuck.”
“It’s okay, he won’t say anything.”
“He’ll tell Piper.”
“He said he wouldn’t because it’s not his secret to share …
but you should,” he adds, as I begin to pace in the small clearing.
“We’re a pair, the two of us, so used to keeping things bottled up inside.
Neither has had people to lean on for a long time, but that’s different now, Sunshine.
That’s changed. We have each other, but we also have a support system around us.
We have family. You have your girlfriends.
Open up to them. When you can’t talk to me, talk to them.
I felt so much better after I unloaded to Aidan. I think it could help you, too.”
“Maybe,” I say, stopping my manic pacing. “Maybe.”
He sighs and reaches for me, but I move further away.
“I should have let you know that I told him.”
“Yes,” I agree.
He’s silent for a moment. “I should probably tell you Bobby knows too.”
“Geez!” I throw my hands up in exasperation and worry.
He cringes. “It was right after I figured everything out on Thanksgiving. I was a mess. I was hungover, he found me, and …” he trails off, shrugging. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m so sick of sorry!” I snap. “Saying and hearing it.”
“I know. Believe me, I am too.”
“I need to get back now. The boys—”
He blows out a frustrated breath. “I know,” he says again, resigned.
“Talk later?”
He gives me a long look, then turns away, staring off in the direction of the beach. A muscle in his jaw ticks. Finally, he nods his agreement.
A moment later, he’s gone.
The dark cloud from earlier follows me back to my towel. I’m sad, upset, anxious, guilty … you name it. I feel Aidan watching as I settle back on the sand and proceed to flip loudly through my magazine, stewing over the fact that other people know before Matt does.
I blow out a harsh breath.
I’m pissed … but mostly at myself.
It was unfair of me to expect Riley to keep this in for so long.
It’s understandable he might need to talk to someone about it.
Someone other than me. Especially considering all the roadblocks I keep putting up between him and his son.
I don’t know how Matty is going to take this news—or Alex, for that matter.
I’ve lied to them their whole lives. I might have thought it was the right thing to do at the time, but things have changed.
This all stems from fear, and I need to get a handle on it before I do irrevocable damage to the people I love.
“Holy shit, look at her go!” Joe exclaims, pulling me from my brooding thoughts and drawing my eyes to the lake where Tessa, Aidan, and Noah are racing in the water. Luke had left for a short while and returned with Tessa after she finished her shift at The Bean.
“Told you,” he declares smugly, and with more than a hint of pride in his voice. “She’s an incredible swimmer.”
We watch from our beach towels on the sand as Tessa leaves the men in her dust, beating them to the buoy floating out beyond the drop off, rounding it easily, and then gliding smoothly past them in the other direction as she makes her way back towards land.
For a woman who was in a coma little more than six months ago, she sure is graceful in the water, her athletic arms stroking confidently through the waves.
“Woohoo,” Lucy calls from her spot beside me as Tessa, dripping wet, strides up the beach towards us with the men behind her still swimming to shore. “Girl power, Tessa baby!!”
She grins and drops to her towel.
“Where’d you learn to swim like that?” Lucy asks, then freezes, eyes widening as Piper leans over and smacks her lightly on the shoulder. “Ohh, sorry, T,” she breathes. “Dumb question.”
Tessa gets a faraway look, biting her lip before turning to us and smiling again, this time a little sadly. “I wish I knew,” she says with a shrug.
Lucy’s face drops. “I’m so sorry to bring that up. I can’t imagine how hard this is for you.”
Piper nods. “I know you don’t know us very well yet, but if you ever want to talk about anything, we’re here, and we’re good listeners.”
Tessa sighs, but offers us a small smile.
“Thanks. That’s what’s so crazy, though.
You ladies have all been so sweet and welcoming, and I appreciate it so much—but the reality is I don’t know anyone, aside from Luke.
We’ve gotten pretty close over the last few months, and honestly, he’s been a godsend.
But I have no idea if there’s anyone else out there.
If there’s anyone looking for me … or …” she swallows thickly, “missing me.”
I reach over and rub a hand soothingly up her arm.
Tessa nods her thanks and continues. “Do I have friends out there wondering where I am and if I’m okay?
” Her voice cracks. “Do I have a family?” She trails her eyes wistfully over our friends and family, spread out in small groupings across the beach.
I follow her gaze as she looks at Matt and Alex, heads together on their towels, smiling at something on one of their phones; at Noah, now with Cece strapped securely to his chest, as he moves to join the other men standing in the surf with beers; at Henry laughing with Jack and Nora, still in their lawn chairs.
“You ladies are so lucky,” Tessa says, and I feel her words down to my bones. “You have such an amazing group of people here, and it’s obvious how much you all love and care for each other.”
Lucy nods. “Found family.”
“Exactly,” Piper agrees. “I had no one before I came to Llyn Lakes. Now I have so many friends who are family, and family who are friends.”
And isn’t that the truth? Riley was right when he said I have an incredible support system around me. And I should be leaning on them more, I think, as I resolve to finally let them in on my secrets. Soon.
“You’re a part of the group now,” I tell Tessa. “You may not know who else is out there, but here, you have us.”
Piper and Lucy make noises of agreement, and Tessa brightens, smiling at us sweetly.
“Thank you,” she breathes. “You have no idea how much that means to me.”
Lucy calls for a group hug, and the four of us lean in only marginally awkwardly as we kneel in the sand, laughing as we embrace.
Itake in a slow, deep lungful of fresh air, letting the setting sun and the steady sound of the soft waves lapping at the shore soothe my mind.
We watch the men standing around at the water’s edge, chatting and laughing.
Pinks and peaches splash across the sky behind them, making it the perfect backdrop for the sweet scene that unfolds as Noah, still with baby Cece strapped to his chest, leans in and presses his face to her head.
As a parent, I know full well he’s breathing in the scent of his little one, that perfect baby smell that instantly rearranges your priorities—your very being—and spells instant bliss.
“I want one of those,” Piper says on a sigh.
“You can’t have him,” Lucy jokes.
Piper rolls her eyes. “I already have one of those,” she points at Noah. “I want one of those,” she corrects, gesturing lower to where Cece is now patting her father’s face. Her light giggle carries across the water, and I laugh too, feeling my mood lighten a little.
“Have you guys talked about it?” I ask her.
She sighs. “Yeah. We’ve decided we want to wait another year. Possibly two. We want to take some more time for ourselves first. Maybe do some traveling. Still, I’m looking forward to it when the time is right.”
“It’s pretty great,” Lucy says, and I nod in agreement. “Lots of work, though, so you’re smart to enjoy some you-time first.”
You-time, I smirk, for I realize I’ve had very little of that over the years.
Even when I had a partner, I always felt like the burden was all on my shoulders.
Not that my boys are a burden, but I’ve carried the weight of raising them right and the responsibility for their well-being alone since the beginning.
I know Riley wants a part of that now. He keeps saying he wants to share the weight if only I’d let him.
And in his own ways, he already is.
It feels wonderful knowing I have someone who actually worries about me—who makes a point to check in.
To make sure I got home safely. And it’s not just my physical well-being he’s concerned about either.
Having Riley to talk things through with at the end of a hard day is so comforting.
He helps me unwind in a way I never could before.
He’s trying, and I need to acknowledge that.
The girls have fallen silent now, and I watch Lucy watching Noah with their child.
She leans back on her hands and sighs contentedly, an air of peace and satisfaction settling around her, and all I feel in this moment is aching sadness for having been robbed of that sight with Riley.
He’s never shared a tender moment with his child.
Never got to sniff Matty’s oddly shaped baby head.
I know now that circumstances at the time wouldn’t have allowed for it, but I’m the one who’s robbing him of the present with his son.
The future. I keep insisting I need more time, but is that fair to either of them?
Riley’s eyes light up at every mention of Matt, and I feel like the shittiest person ever that I’m still keeping them apart.
I love my kids, and I love Riley. He wants us to be the family we were always meant to be, and I want that too. It’s as simple and as complicated as that. Tessa was absolutely right when she reminded us how lucky we are to have each other.
He should’ve been here with us today.