Chapter 40 #2
I raise an eyebrow at her in question.
“Well, you say it’s really good. And sometimes I do catch you staring off into the distance and smiling, like you did just now—which I totally get, by the way,” she adds, and Piper nods in agreement.
“But you haven’t necessarily been behaving like a woman who’s blissfully in love.
Like … why were you guys keeping it on the down low for so long?
And what was the deal with the fight you had that day at the beach? ”
“You saw that?”
Lucy rolls her eyes.
“Everyone saw you disappear up the path with him, then you came back alone and upset.”
I sigh. “Well, that goes back to the part about us still having things to work out.”
“Is it the boys?”
“Yes, and no. I wanted to ease them into the idea of us dating, but they’ve been spending time with Riley for a while now, and have more or less given us their blessing …” I trail off, blushing when I think about the night Matt busted us for sneaking around.
“So what’s the problem then?” she prompts, reaching for a cracker.
“Well, that kind of goes back to the drunken hook-up part.”
Lucy raises her eyebrows, and Piper says, “I was wondering when we’d circle back to that.”
“I told people Sam left without a word, and that’s true, but … I knew it was coming.” I pause. “And I knew why.”
Lucy and Piper exchange a look, surprised at the turn I’ve taken yet again in my story. They each take a fortifying sip of wine before nodding for me to proceed.
I let out another long sigh before continuing. “Things had devolved slowly between us over the years. We’d only gotten married because I was expecting Matty.”
“Ahhh … ” Lucy says in understanding.
“When we met, I was still heartbroken over Riley. It had only been a couple of weeks, but my friend Katie convinced me to attend this party. She thought I needed to get drunk and let loose. Well, I let loose, alright. And Sam was a decent enough guy. He came on a bit strong at first, but he was drunk, too, so it wasn’t like he took advantage.
I knew what I was doing when I went upstairs with him.
I wanted to erase the memories, erase Riley’s touch …
” I trail off, shaking my head at the futility of it.
“It didn’t work. Nothing ever has when it comes to that man.
I’ve never been able to excise him from my memory or my heart. ”
Piper gives me a sympathetic smile. “I’m sorry. That must’ve been so hard, missing him all these years.”
“Yes,” I whisper, my eyes starting to sting with the promise of tears.
“So what happened?” Lucy asks, reaching across the table to top up my glass, which I’m surprised to find is nearly empty. She does the same for Piper as I continue.
“Well, I left that party never expecting to see Sam again.” I shoot them a wry look.
“That obviously didn’t happen. When I found out I was pregnant, our parents convinced us to get married.
We both dropped out of school and got jobs, and, for a while, we tried to make it work.
Alex came along, and things were okay. I was happy with my boys, but … Sam and I were never truly in love.”
“That doesn’t explain why he left without a trace, though.
I can understand things not working out between the two of you, but to leave his kids …
?” Lucy’s lip curls in a sneer, and I know she’s not thinking just of Sam but of her own deadbeat dad.
“Maybe it’s all these new maternal hormones, but I can’t imagine ever walking away from my child,” she says. “And I know Noah feels the same.”
“I never could,” I agree. Even knowing where Sam’s head was at, I’ll never understand that.
“So what the fuck?!” she exclaims. “And how does this have anything to do with your rekindled relationship with Riley? Don’t tell me you feel guilty about moving on.” She sucks in a breath, her eyes going wide. “Are you still married?”
“No, no, it’s nothing like that. Sam sent divorce papers in the mail years ago. And …” I huff out a frustrated breath, “I’m getting there. Bear with me.”
“Okay, sorry.” She glances over at Piper, who’s nibbling on a slice of salami. Lucy takes the opportunity to pop a few olives into her mouth while I regroup. The stinging is back in my eyes.
“I remember he was annoyed because Matty needed help with his homework, and I was never very good at science. Sam was tired from work and wasn’t generally involved in anything to do with the boys’ schooling or extracurriculars, but this one night in particular, I’d asked him to help.
I was making dinner, and they were working through a biology question together at the kitchen table.
It was about recessive genes and eye color.
I didn’t think much of it then, but Sam was quiet during dinner and went out afterwards.
He came home very late and very drunk and passed out on the couch.
We were already struggling quite a bit by that point, more like passing ships, you know?
But I still felt it when he withdrew from me completely.
And then I knew, when he pulled away from Matty. That’s when I knew that he knew.”
Lucy and Piper exchange a glance. “What?” Piper whispers as they both lean in, though the look on her face suggests she already has a pretty good idea of where this story is going.
“That Matty wasn’t his.”
I detonate that bomb and finally allow the tears I’d been fighting to fall. My friends are frozen in their seats, struck silent by my revelation. For a long while, the only sound in the room is that of my sniffling.
“Oh my God,” Lucy eventually whispers, shaking off the shock, and I nod in understanding. It’s a pretty big secret I just dropped.
“A-and my poor Matty was still so young,” I croak out.
“He didn’t understand why his father couldn’t look at him anymore.
Why he still spent time with his brother but left the room whenever Matty tried to join in.
” I swallow thickly before continuing. “It took a few months. I-I think it was because Sam was struggling with leaving Alex. His biological son,” I add bitterly.
“But that day, before he left for work, he stood in the kitchen doorway for a long time just watching the boys. Both of them.” I pause.
“And when he didn’t come home that night, I wasn’t surprised.
I didn’t try to find him, either,” I whisper my confession, then let out a sob.
Both women spring from their seats at the sound and move around the table to embrace me.
“God help me because I should’ve. I should’ve.
Even if he hated me, he didn’t need to leave them.
He was still their father. Still the only one Matty had ever known, despite biology.
” I sniffle some more, wiping at my eyes, “I should’ve fought to keep him in their lives, but—”
“But what?” Piper asks softly, her hand making soothing circles against my back.
“But I was relieved.” I swallow. “Even though we never actually spoke about it, I was relieved the secret was out and that I didn’t have to live like that anymore—at least in my own home. I’d walked on eggshells for years waiting for him to find out.” I meet Piper’s eyes and then Lucy’s.
“I’m so sorry, Steph,” Lucy says, leaning in to hug me tighter while Piper continues rubbing my back. “But you need to forgive yourself. You’re right that he didn’t have to leave. Not them, too. He chose to. That’s not on you.”
“Isn’t it, though? I kept that secret.”
She pulls back, meeting my eyes once more and shaking her head. “No. You may have kept that secret, and I can even understand how he might’ve been feeling, but how he handled it is not on you.”
“But—”
“No buts,” Piper cuts me off. “He’s the one who walked away. He punished those boys for something that wasn’t their fault.”
“I didn’t even know, at first,” I offer.
“When I was pregnant? I knew it could’ve been Riley’s, but I didn’t know for sure.
And he was gone. Sam was there and was willing, and I …
hoped. I hoped it was his, because it would be easier.
Or, at least, my head did. My heart always wanted it to be Riley’s.
And then when I saw those pale grey eyes blinking up at me, I was just happy to still have a piece of him with me. ”
With that, I sit up, straightening my shoulders and gently shaking off the girl’s touches. They take the hint and move back around to their seats. Lucy pours herself another glass of wine, and I raise an eyebrow at her.
“What?” She shrugs. “I think I need it after all that. We have some pumped milk in the freezer, and Cece can have those nasty mushed peas she likes for breakfast.” Her mouth twists up in distaste as she passes the bottle to Piper, who also refills her own glass.
She takes a healthy sip, then leans back in her chair.
“So … Matt is Riley’s,” she states.
“Yes,” I whisper.
“And …” her voice trails off as her eyes light up in understanding. “Riley figured it out at Thanksgiving.”
“Yes,” I whisper again.
“Holy shit,” Lucy says.
“Pretty much.”
“But … you obviously worked it out,” Piper continues, eyeing me carefully.
“To an extent,” I answer. “He forgave me for not telling him. Understood why I didn’t—or couldn’t—back when I first found out. He was less understanding about why I didn’t share the news as soon as he returned to town, but he did forgive me for that, too. Mostly,” I add.
“So the ‘mostly’ part is the problem?”
I nod. “He wants to know his son.”
“Understandable,” Lucy says.
“Yes. But Matty doesn’t know, and I’m afraid to tell him.”
“Also understandable.”
“The fight at the beach was about Riley wanting to spend time with him—with both boys—and me being hesitant. Luckily, we’ve sorted that out, and he’s been getting to know them for a little while now.
Spending time with them just as my boyfriend.
We’ve agreed not to rush telling them about Matt’s paternity, and Riley’s okay with leaving it up to me to decide when the time is right. ”
“That seems fair,” Piper notes, then tilts her head as though listening. “Did you hear something?”
Lucy and I both pause, but there’s nothing but the faint ticking of the old clock in the hall. Matt and Alex are both out with friends tonight and shouldn’t be home for hours.
“I don’t hear anything,” Lucy says.
“Me neither,” I murmur.
Piper shrugs, and I sigh, picking up the conversation where we left off.
“It is fair,” I say, pushing up from the table and moving to the fridge.
I remove my filtered water jug and get a glass from the nearby cabinet, holding it up silently to ask if they want some, but both women shake their heads.
“Time for me to switch,” I murmur as I pour, then return the jug and retake my seat, slumping forward as I do.
“It is fair,” I repeat, agreeing with her.
I look down at my water, twisting the glass in my hand.
“But I’m still scared. I’m scared Riley’ll slip up, or that he won’t be able to resist, and he’ll blurt it out during some bonding moment.
Or that Matty will somehow figure it out—the way Sam did.
The way Riley did. I mean, those eyes are pretty distinctive. ”
“True,” Piper agrees. “I’m actually kind of annoyed I didn’t pick up on it myself,” she says. “It’s not like I’ve spent much time around Riley, though.”
“No, but Nora has the same eyes,” Lucy says, and I nod again.
With that observation, we all fall silent once more.
I’m unsure how long I stare into my water before Lucy chuckles, causing Piper and me to look at her in surprise.
“Well,” she says with a smirk. “When you decide to open up, you really let the floodgates loose, don’t you?”