Chapter 45
forty-five
mom, i screwed up
E lissa sat next to her mother, watching her sleep. Getting her settled and morning rounds had kept her from being able to truly rest. But the nurse had ensured the morphine was good to go and as soon as the hospital personnel left her alone, she drifted off.
At Elissa’s insistence, Ami had driven Dad and Leo home to rest. Or at least a shower. When they returned, it would be her turn. She’d have Ami drop her off at DeMarco Properties to collect Bertha. Or get her towed, whatever. She really did need a new car.
“Mom, I screwed up.” The words tumbled out of her. “I played hooky to be with a guy. He said he loved me. I freaked out and left. I don’t think I can ever make it up to him.”
Elissa dashed the tears out of her eyes.
“I’ve been waiting for the shoe to drop.
Accepted to USC, but you lost your job. No room for a music teacher when budgets were slashed.
Got my CPA, and had a triple whammy—you got sick, Victor left, and Ami got in big trouble.
Now, you’re better and I finally fall for a guy, and you get in an accident. What am I doing that’s so wrong?”
She broke, all the past losses overwhelming her soul, and dropped her head on the edge of the hospital bed. Every damn time something good happened, every time she put herself first, something bad would happen to her family. She wouldn’t allow it anymore. No more taking for herself.
She had to let Ryan go. Focus only on her family until they were all okay. Then, maybe, she could have something just for her.
“I won’t do it again, Mom. From now on, you all are my only priority.”
“God, I hope not.”
Elissa’s head snapped up. Her father stood in the doorway, a travel mug of coffee in one hand and a bag of donuts in the other. He walked across the room and placed both items on a small table.
“Come here, Elissa.” He held his arms wide open.
She threw herself into them, allowing their quiet strength to soothe her. When she finally quieted, he released her and handed a box of tissues to her. Elissa wiped her eyes and blew her nose before sitting again.
“Have a donut.” He passed the bag as he joined her.
She grabbed whatever was on top. It tasted like sawdust, but seemed to make her dad feel better.
“Where’s Leo?”
“Sleeping like a teenager up all night. Dead to the world.”
“Good. He needed it.”
“I always wondered what was going through your head. You keep things bottled up.” He took a bite out of a powdered donut, getting a dusting of white on his dark slacks.
“Your best moments often happened around some of our family’s worst. But, Lissa, one didn’t cause the other. The universe isn’t out to get you.”
“Every time something good happens, something bad follows. What would you call that?”
“That? That’s life. But did you consider you’re looking at it in the wrong direction?”
She shook her head. No, it was always good, then bad.
“Yes, most of the bad stuff came after the good stuff,” her father said.
“But we found out your mom’s contract wouldn’t be renewed before you went off to college, giving us time to adjust. You went to the U to begin with, which has an excellent accounting program, if I do say so myself, instead of switching halfway through.
And yeah, your knucklehead boyfriend left you in the lurch, but that meant you were here when Ami needed you to bail her out. ”
“You knew?” Ami had talked to their parents about what happened. Had hell frozen over?
“Ami told us sometime later. She thought you ratted her out and was surprised you hadn’t.”
“She’s an adult.” Whatever else Ami was, she made her own choices and had solid reasons for them. Reasons neither Elissa nor her parents understood sometimes, but reasons. “I figured she’d tell you when she was ready. It wasn’t my place to say.”
“I never thanked you for that,” her sister said from the door. She walked across the room and gave Elissa a quick hug.
“You paid me back, took the misdemeanor, and worked off the fine and community service. I was kind of proud of you.”
“Did I ever tell you why I hit that asshole?” Ami snagged a donut from the bag their dad still held.
“I’m sure he had it coming, but no, not the exact reason.”
“I caught him sneaking something into my girlfriend’s glass.” She waved the donut around wildly. “It got spilled in the ‘altercation,’ so I couldn’t prove anything. And he flopped like a wuss. I didn’t even hit him hard. I think he found a perverse joy in getting a lesbian in trouble.”
“Aren’t you bi?” Elissa’s donut started to taste like something now. She took a bite and let the carbs do their dopamine work.
“I wasn’t going to explain my sexuality to some asshat. As far as he knew, I was a lesbian. And I’d do it again but hit him harder.” Her sister bit into her own donut, getting frosting on the corner of her mouth.
“Okay, now I’m even more proud of you.” Elissa grabbed another tissue to wipe the stupid tears falling down her stupid face.
“So if you hadn’t been there to pay my bail, Sabrina would’ve. She wasn’t out yet, and her family would have found out. They’re super conservative, and she would’ve been in big, big trouble. Instead, she was able to graduate and get the hell out of that house.”
“And Victor leaving—” her dad said.
“Was a blessing. You were way too interesting for Mr. Snoozefest,” Ami said.
“But Mom getting sick…” Elissa couldn’t bring herself to finish the thought.
“A coincidence, Elissa.” Her dad wrapped his arm around her shoulders. “You’ve taken your responsibilities as the oldest seriously. Too seriously. Not everything is your fault, and not everything is going to hell in a handbasket if you take some joy for yourself.”
“But—”
“Enough. Being in town when this happened wouldn’t have changed anything, except Ami wouldn’t have had to step up. She’s not the screwup we think she is.”
“Thanks.” Ami’s voice was deadpan, but a small smile crooked up the side of her mouth.
“You can only fool us for so long, Amicaria.”
“Daaad.” Ami rolled her eyes at her full name.
“They’re right, Liss.” Her mom’s voice was weak and scratchy from the intubation during surgery, but her eyes were bright. “You’ve done plenty. More than enough, if I’m honest.”
“Let me get you some water.” Elissa took a step toward the plastic pitcher, but her dad pulled her back.
“No, let me get her some water. Go sit.”
Elissa sat, taking her mom’s hand, the one with the IV, in her own. Her other arm was broken and in a cast. Her leg was in traction. She sipped at the water Dad gave her.
“You’ve been our blessing,” her mom said.
“Hey!” Ami protested, but she was smiling.
“All of our children are blessings in their own ways, but we never had to worry about you, Elissa. You were right where you were supposed to be every time, helping with Ami or Leo, or picking up the slack.” Her dad paused and shared a look with her mom.
“It wasn’t fair to you.” Her mom squeezed her hand. “You always acted so grown up, and I forgot sometimes you weren’t. And now, well, I sometimes forget you are. Both of you. I’m sorry.”
“I…I never minded, you know. I like being helpful,” Elissa said.
“Bossy, you mean.” Ami still wore a wry grin.
“Maybe a little.” She nudged her sister’s shoulder.
“But I think it’s time we all learn to let go, at least a little. Give you both room to breathe.” Dad pulled Ami in for a hug. “And I think the young man you ditched us for is an excellent place to start.”
“Yes, you should go home, shower, and sleep, then go bang his brains out.”
“Ami!” Shock had their dad’s ears turning pink.
“‘Bang’ is not a swear word.” Ami crossed her arms, a mischievous glint in her eyes. “I could’ve said?—”
“I can’t. I, uh, kinda broke up with him,” Elissa said, desperate to stop the next word out of Ami’s mouth.
“Why on God’s green earth would you do that?” Mom asked. “That is the….”
Her heart rate monitor beeped a little faster, and Dad shot Elissa a glare before returning his attention to his wife.
“Relax, Dana. No yelling today, okay? Drink some water and let go. Elissa’s got this.”
Mom rolled her eyes but drank the water anyway.
“I… Well… God, I am a class-A loser. A guy whispers he loves me, thinking I’m asleep, and I freaked the fuck out.”
Everyone’s brows rose as Elissa swore, but for once no one brought up the damn swear jar.
Good. She wasn’t playing that game anymore.
As soon as she had a moment, she was using all the money in her swear jar at the apartment and taking Jules out for margaritas.
Or buying Ryan some “I’m sorry” flowers. Or liquor. Whatever.
“What did you do?” Ami asked.
“I told him he deserved to be someone’s first priority, then ran away,” Elissa mumbled as she stared at her shoes.
“You’re a dumbass.” Ami threw her hands up in disgust.
“I know.”
“Ami, your sister is not a dumbass,” their mom said.
Three mouths dropped open in shock. Dana Wright never swore.
Not once in Elissa’s entire life, no matter how frustrated she got, no matter how dire the situation.
“She is a grown woman who made a mistake. And what do we do when we make a mistake?”
In unison, the sisters replied. “Apologize and do what we can to make it right.”
“So I think Elissa knows exactly what she needs to do.” Dad sipped his coffee.
“I do. I will. But not when I smell like hospital and haven’t eaten since Ryan brought me a BLT in the tub last night.”
Their parents suddenly became interested in whatever the beeping machine was doing.
“Mom and Dad do not need to know your kinks, Liss.” Ami grabbed her sister’s hand and tugged her up and out the door. When they were out in the hall, she lowered her voice. “But I wouldn’t mind hearing about this one.”
Elissa shoved her away. “Shut up.”
“You were right about one thing—you stink. Let’s fetch Bertha, then you need to eat, shower, sleep. Don’t come back until you’ve made things right with Mr. Wrong.”
Arm in arm, the sisters walked out into the too-warm Arizona spring sun.