Thirty-Five | Lyric
Thirty-Five
Lyric
I was being a bitch, but at least I was aware of it. It was worse when you were being a bitch but didn’t realize you were until it was too late. I knew that Cole was thrilled that I was pregnant, and I didn’t want to hurt him by pushing him away, but I wasn’t ready to deal with any of it yet.
When I moved back to Willow Falls, it was to take care of the kids. I never intended to fall back in love with my husband or get pregnant right away from a stupid one-night stand where we let our passion override common sense.
I didn’t want to hurt Cole, but it seemed inevitable.
It wasn’t fair to either of us for me to pretend that I was happy about this baby, because I wasn’t.
I had just finally started to feel like I was getting my life on track.
Things were falling into place with the kids, and the goats, and starting my own fashion line, and I didn’t want to mess that up.
Being pregnant wasn’t just having to worry about months of constant morning sickness with no relief.
There was the inevitable joy we would feel when we went for an ultrasound and heard the heart beating, only to have it stop soon after.
I’d been down this road so many times that I couldn’t bear the thought of having to travel it again.
My heart wanted a baby more than anything in the world, but my brain had learned very quickly not to get my hopes up because it always ended in heartache.
I knew Cole would be there for me and do whatever I needed, but I didn’t want to give him false hope that this baby would be the one thing to fix us.
If anything, I worried that this baby might be the very thing that broke us.
Each loss we experienced over the years slowly chipped away at us, leaving very little left for us to hold on to.
I rolled onto my side, desperate to fall asleep so I could wake up and realize this was all just a terrible dream.
By mid-afternoon, I had given up sulking in bed and went searching for food.
I knew it would be hard to find something to eat that wouldn’t make me sick, but I also knew that I couldn’t afford not to eat.
My body relied on constant nutrition throughout the day to keep things happy and healthy.
I wandered into the kitchen, not surprised to find Cole making lunch.
He glanced at me over his shoulder but said nothing as he continued cooking.
I didn’t dare look at what he was making because it was none of my business, but the smell of sausage and eggs floated in the air around us.
I closed my eyes and let out a soft groan because fuck if that didn’t smell amazing.
I heard him chuckle and opened my eyes to find him holding a plate in front of me.
I swallowed hard to avoid letting my emotions rise to the surface because I didn’t have time for that this morning.
I was torn between being mad at him for knowing what I needed and being sad because he had gone through all of this work for me when I had been such a bitch to him.
Add in the extra flutters my heart was making, and I was seconds away from crying.
“Thank you,” I said quickly, hoping he didn’t hear the emotions warring inside me.
“Go sit down and eat.” He smiled, the dimples in his cheeks further disarming me as I sat down and took a bite.
I wasn’t sure I would be able to hold the food down, but given how hard my stomach was growling, I was hopeful. I wanted nothing more than to eat and not throw it up.
A few minutes later, Cole set his food down across from me at the table before pouring glasses of orange juice and joining me.
We didn’t talk as we ate, which was probably for the best because I had no idea what to say to him. I stabbed at a sausage link aggressively with my fork, which earned a raised eyebrow from Cole, yet he still didn’t say anything.
My foot tapped anxiously on the floor as I continued eating, stopping only when Cole’s hand rested on my knee. Heat flushed through my body from his touch, and without thinking about it, I let my body relax as my legs tried to part for him.
I knew he knew what he was doing to me because Cole knew everything when it came to me. Not only that, instead of removing his hand, he leaned back in his seat and slid his hand up higher to where it rested on my thigh.
My eyes closed as I tried to breathe normally, but it was impossible.
I wanted Cole on a normal day, but being around Cole while I was pregnant felt like taking a kid to a candy shop and not expecting them to go crazy.
The temptation to have him touch my body the way it needed to be touched was so strong that I found myself sinking lower in my chair to get his hand where I needed it.
“There’s time for that later,” he said, clearing his voice as he slowly pulled his hand away, immediately lifting the fog I was in.
I shook my head and sat up straight, slightly embarrassed by what just happened.
“Before you start to overthink this,” he said, his voice firm and demanding in the best way. “Don’t. I know what you need before you do most of the time. I won’t apologize for wanting to take care of you every way I know how, Lyric.”
I took a slow, steady breath in and slowly released it as I worked to keep myself calm.
“I will be whatever you need me to be, but I won’t stand by and let you do all of this yourself.
I meant when I said that I love you, nothing has changed there.
I’m not going to sit back and pretend that this isn’t happening, that you’re not pregnant.
Yes, I’m very aware of how this has ended for us before, but I’m going into this with the hope that this time will be different.
I know that this isn’t what you wanted or what you expected, but it’s happening, Lyric. ”
“I know,” I said, choking back a sob. “I’m scared, Cole.”
“I know you are, baby. I’m scared, too. But it’s okay because we’ve got each other and that’s all we need. We’ve been through so many challenging times, and we always make it to the other side. This won’t be any different.”
“How can you say that?”
“Because it’s true. I’m not going to let you go through any of this by yourself. I made a vow to you a long time ago that I would love you through the good and the bad. Nothing has changed for me, Lyric. I’m going to be there every step of the way.”
I nodded and let my head fall forward as I gave up on trying to stop the tears.
“What if we lose this one too?” I sobbed.
I felt his warm hand as he rubbed my back, scooting his chair closer to mine so he could hug me.
“What if we don’t?” he countered. “We don’t have any way of knowing what the future holds for us. Maybe this is the right place and the right time.”
I looked up at him, struggling to see his beautiful face through the tears that clouded my eyes.
“I don’t think I’ll survive another heartache if this doesn’t...”
“You will,” he rushed out as he held me tightly against his chest. “I’ll make sure of it.”