Chapter 71 Sarah
SARAH
Coffee was needed.
Approximately two barrels of it.
Then again, make it three.
It’d been a week since Ben left, and if I’d slept more than a few hours a night, I reckoned that was a miracle.
I’d lain awake night after night asking the same question: why?
I still didn’t understand his reasons for leaving.
We got on so well.
He clearly had feelings for me. Okay, I knew it wasn’t love, only I was the idiot who’d fallen that hard for him, but still, he liked me, right? So why not stay and make a go of it?
It wasn’t like he hadn’t tried to explain. He’d said it was best to end it on a high before either of us got hurt, but why was he so sure that would happen?
His ex did a number on him, that was for sure, but he had to know I was different, right? I told Ben repeatedly that I thought he was amazing.
It was all so confusing.
But I guessed what they said was true: if someone tells you something, believe them. I couldn’t beg him to be with me. Ben needed to choose to be with me. Otherwise, it’d never work.
And that realisation was when the self-doubt crept in again. That the reason he didn’t choose to be with me was because although he liked me, it wasn’t enough to stay. I wasn’t worth the risk. Maybe I wasn’t posh or pretty enough.
Try sleeping with that shit swirling around in your head.
I wondered if he’d taken my gift with him and if he’d opened it yet?
Maybe he was worried that I was so pissed about him leaving that I’d put something bad inside it to get him arrested at the airport. No. That was just my overreactive imagination talking.
Even if he’d opened it, he was probably still hiking, so couldn’t message.
I had to stop thinking about him. Once I’d got an extra-large coffee from Love & Lattes, I headed to the office and attempted to get to work.
Four hours later, I admitted defeat. I’d hardly got any work done this morning and staring at the computer screen wasn’t helping, so I took my sandwich to the beach. Just as I was about to start eating, my phone rang. It was Jess.
‘Hey! How’s Jamaica?’ I asked.
Jess had WhatsApped a few photos whilst she was away, but I’d told her not to stress about sending pics, just to enjoy her honeymoon with her husband. Still wasn’t used to calling Theo that.
‘It’s amazing! I’m currently relaxing in a hammock, sipping on some rum punch whilst Theo’s gone to the gym.
It’s a hard life, but someone’s gotta do it!
’ She laughed before telling me all about the places they’d visited so far.
‘Anyway, enough about me. How are you? Are you and Ben still swinging from the chandeliers?’ I swallowed hard and my stomach bottomed out. ‘Sarah? What’s up?’
‘Nothing.’
‘I know something’s wrong. Tell me!’ she said firmly. I sighed. ‘Sarah!’
‘Ben’s left, but don’t worry, I’m fine.’
‘What?’ she shouted. ‘What happened?’
‘You’re on your honeymoon! I’ll tell you when you get back.’
‘No! Tell me everything. Now!’
I knew resistance was futile, so I filled her in.
‘Oh, Sarah. I’m so sorry. I knew something was wrong when I was getting ready for the wedding. I should’ve probed you more. You should’ve told me.’
‘What, so I could ruin your big day? You already warned me to be careful and said it’d end in tears and you were right.’ I sniffed.
‘Oh, hon! I wish I was there to give you a big hug. Thanks for looking out for me, but I feel like a shitty friend for not noticing what you were going through. I knew he’d said early on that he’d leave at some point, but I thought after you two grew closer, he’d changed his mind because Theo didn’t say anything.
I mean, he mentioned that Ben was going away with Tom, but I got the impression it was just a holiday. Not that he was leaving for good.’
‘Yep. He’s left. Even said I could take over the flat.’
‘Shit.’
‘And Theo probably didn’t want you to worry before the wedding either.’
‘Maybe. I’ll speak to him once he’s back. Don’t give up hope, though. I saw the way Ben looked at you. I’m sure you’ll hear from him again.’
‘Maybe. But with feedback on my book outline.’
‘You’ve finished it?’
‘Yeah. Just before the wedding!’
‘That’s brilliant! I’m so proud of you! But also pissed that you didn’t tell me! But mainly proud!’ She laughed. ‘So Ben’s reading it?’
‘He said he’d send feedback in ten days. But he’s going to be busy travelling, so I won’t hold my breath.’
‘Ten days from when?’
‘Not sure. Could be ten days from your wedding day or ten days from when I sent it on the Monday.’
‘Which means you’ll deffo hear from him this Wednesday. Thursday at the latest. That’s not long to wait.’
Right now, that felt like a lifetime. And it was better that I didn’t get my hopes up. Ben was probably just being polite. Like when you leave a job and everyone says ‘keep in touch!’ when you know they’ve got zero intention of doing so.
‘I’m just going to try and get on with my life.’
Easier said than done. There were reminders of Ben everywhere. Especially in his flat.
Even though I’d returned Ben’s key on the night of Jess and Theo’s wedding, when I went to the office the next day, I found it in an envelope addressed to me.
I knew Ben had left it so that I could go to his flat to write. But when I’d tried working at the desk he’d made me, I’d remember things that we did or said together.
By last Thursday, I’d decided that as much as I loved the setup Ben had created for me, it had too many memories. So I stayed at the B&B.
It was also hard at work.
I kept expecting to see Ben in the office or to bump into him in the corridor.
Dealing with all of the hopeful social media comments was even worse.
I’d posted the first of the last two videos on Tuesday, just to get it out of the way and the response was so good, I had to put my feelings aside and keep the momentum going by posting the final video on Friday.
Just as I expected, it blew up. Our followers went feral. If I had a pound for every ‘we knew it!’ and ‘you two were meant to be’, I’d be a millionaire by now.
The buzz made the video go viral. It’d already notched up hundreds of thousands of views in less than forty-eight hours.
There was no doubt about it. The reel had been a huge success and the corresponding online sales were already coming in thick and fast.
I should be happy. I’d done a great job, just like Jess had hired me to do.
I’d finally proved my worth. But I still felt so empty inside.
I missed Ben so much.
‘There’s no way I’m gonna let you give up that easily,’ Jess warned. ‘When I get back, we’ll figure out a plan. Okay?’
‘I appreciate it, but I don’t want to come up with some sort of scheme to persuade Ben to stay. I want him to want me himself.’
Jess fell silent. She knew I was right.
‘Don’t give up,’ she said. ‘I better go, but if you need me, just call or message.’
‘I’ll be fine. Please just enjoy yourself. And bring me back a bottle of white rum!’
I didn’t tell her that I’d use it to drown my sorrows. She’d remind me that alcohol wasn’t the solution. And she’d be right, but I deserved at least one drink.
‘Will do. Take care.’
‘Same. And say hi to your husband.’ I smiled.
When I hung up, I saw that I had several messages from Adrian.
When I opened them, I groaned.
Adrian
Hey, sis. We FINALLY have the wedding photos! Just sending some of you and Ben. You two are SO cute together! Talk soon x
It was at times like this that I wished I hadn’t set my phone to automatically download images, because there were the photos in all their glory.
I knew I should close the app and not look at them, but as soon as I caught sight of us together, I couldn’t look away.
Adrian was right. We did look cute.
So damn cute.
As well as the posed photos we’d taken with Adrian and Debbie, there were a couple of us alone. But it was a candid shot the photographer had captured that really took my breath away.
We were dancing together on the sand. I was laughing like Ben had told me the funniest joke and he was staring at me with that look of awe. As if I’d just started levitating and he was desperate to know how I’d done it.
My heart squeezed.
I wished things could be different.
But it was over.
And I just had to accept it.