18. Jude
JUDE
Seeing Soren smiling intimately at another man felt like someone had just hacked me in half with an axe.
I’d thought that we’d been building a foundation for something more over the past two weeks, something that had the potential to be monumental between us.
But the way he was looking at an older, wealthier version of me cast a shadow of doubt over everything.
I’d let him sleep in my bed. I kissed him and made love to him, something I’d never let happen between me and another sub before.
I’d thought that meant something to him, but I was obviously wrong.
Because I’d taken sex off the table for so many years, it was significant to me that I was sleeping with Soren, but that didn’t mean it was the same for him.
I’d been out as bisexual for long enough to know that of all the people I’d slept with, the men were always easier to hook up with.
We had urges, and we satisfied them without the need for complicated emotions.
Not that every man was wired that way, but it’d always been easier to find men for sex than women.
Soren had been upfront about wanting to sleep with me from the very beginning, so maybe sex wasn’t that sacred to him.
He’d asked me not to show up at Club Halo, and I’d been mindful of his wishes even though I’d wanted to be there for his first night.
I’d been watching a movie, trying not to keep track of the time until he returned home, when he’d sent me the message that he’d messed up.
And since he’d given me no context to work with, the only option I’d had was to show up in person, which was exactly how I came to be in the VIP suite, staring at the boy I’d let in taking what looked to be a business card from another man.
The feeling of inadequacy I’d battled with my entire life came crashing in.
After all, wasn’t that the true reason I’d never allowed myself to get romantically entangled with a sub?
Eventually, they would find someone better and leave anyway.
Someone wealthier, more outgoing, more connected.
I was just a carpenter, and although I wasn’t hurting for money, there was still a limit to what I could offer any boy.
Without a word, I retreated before Soren could spot me. I hurried down the stairs and smacked into Phoenix.
“Jude? You’re leaving already? Did you speak to Soren?”
I grabbed his arm. “Don’t tell him I was here.”
He winced, tugging his arm away. “Ouch, Jude. That kind of hurts.”
Horrified that I’d caused him any pain, I dropped my hand. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s come over me.”
“I thought you wanted to speak to Soren. Why are you leaving?”
“He’s busy, and he told me not to come tonight. I shouldn’t go against his wishes.”
“Why don’t we go talk somewhere? You look like you’re panicking. Come on.”
I followed him to the private elevator that took us up to the top floor, which was off-limits to everyone unless invited by Phoenix. A security guard nodded at him and assessed me as we passed him to enter Phoenix’s office. He closed the door behind me and gestured for me to have a seat.
“Do you want something to drink?”
“Just water.”
“Okay, although I would have recommended something stronger.”
“I’m not sure if I’ll be able to stop once I get started.” And I needed to be sober when Soren got home.
He handed me a glass and sat on the edge of the giant oak desk that I’d built for him. He crossed his legs at the ankles and folded his arms.
“What’s going on with you, Jude? Did something happen when you went to see Soren?”
“I don’t know. He was with someone.”
“You mean Martin?”
The name rang an alarm bell. “The Martin who’s one of your top sponsors?”
“Yes. He was very kind to Soren tonight.”
“So you introduced them?” I jumped to my feet and paced the room. “What the hell, Phoenix? I thought you were on my side.”
“I am on your side.”
“Then you should know Soren and I have a relationship that goes beyond our contract. Why would you introduce him to another Daddy? Do you not think I’m good enough for him?”
“You’re being absurd. I wouldn’t have paired you two together if I thought you weren’t right for each other.”
I dropped back down into the chair and rubbed a hand over my face. “I thought Soren was supposed to be working. What’s he doing cozying up to a man like that? Is that the type of work you have the boys do here?”
The moment I said the words, I knew I’d crossed the line. A flash of anger crossed Phoenix’s face even though he didn’t change his relaxed stance.
“For the sake of our friendship, I’ll pretend you didn’t say that.”
“I’m sorry. I know you’d never pimp out the boys at Halo House.”
“But neither do I interfere if they find a client they want to become involved with.”
“And Soren wants to become involved with Martin?”
“For fuck’s sake, Jude. What are you talking about? Nothing is going on between Soren and Martin. Soren had a horrible experience with a customer, and I begged Martin to set his fears to rest. That’s why Soren is sitting with Martin. He needed the reassurance after what Evan put him through.”
Evan was another name I was familiar with.
He was an example of how not everyone would respond well to Halo House and the changes Phoenix tried to make in the lives of the boys.
Phoenix had paired us together, but I’d not been wealthy enough for Evan, so he’d rejected me to go bouncing from one wealthy Daddy to another.
“How is Soren doing now?” I asked.
“Why don’t you ask him?”
I shook my head. “I feel embarrassed enough for jumping to conclusions. I’d prefer if he didn’t know I came at all.”
“Ah, Jude, what’s really going on?”
“Fuck if I know. He sent me a message earlier that he’d screwed up, and I came so I could fix it because that’s what I’ve always done for him. Fix stuff. But when I got here, I saw him with Martin and I-I—”
“You got jealous.”
“Yeah. I’ve never been jealous of any sub before, Phoenix.”
“You’ve never slept with any of them either. It’s safe to say your excellent Daddy judgment is being clouded by your feelings for Soren.”
“Maybe.”
“Not maybe, Jude. The Daddy that you are would not have rushed over to fix everything because a sub made a mistake, since that would defeat the purpose of teaching them how to handle themselves in a crisis.”
By God, he was right. I hadn’t once stopped to think about how the mess Soren had created would be a teachable moment for him. I’d just wanted to make things easier for him.
“Fuck. Maybe I’m not the right Daddy for him after all.”
And that hurt to admit.
“But he’s the right boy for you,” Phoenix said with a mischievous smile.
“It’s not inherently a bad thing that you want to take care of your boy, Jude.
You obviously care about him a lot. But what it means is that the contract you usually put together for your subs may no longer apply to Soren to the same degree.
You’re not just caring for him with the intention of letting him go, are you? You want to keep him.”
“It doesn’t matter if I want to keep him. He will ultimately decide if he stays.”
I left Club Halo without talking to Soren and with a promise from Phoenix that he wouldn’t mention my appearance to my boy.
Instead, I got back into my car, then drove home and returned to the movie I’d been watching before the text message.
And I might have missed half the plot, but when a key stirred inside the keyhole of the front door and I went to greet Soren, there was nothing of the jealousy I’d felt earlier as he walked right into my arms and climbed me, legs wrapped around my waist and arms around my neck.
“Oh, Daddy, please hold me. I had a horrible night.”
Over his shoulder, Phoenix waved to me as he hurried back to his car. I rubbed Soren’s back, made sure Phoenix got back into his car okay and drove away, then closed the door.
“Was it that bad?” I asked.
“Hmm. I met the most horrible guy ever, and he almost got me fired, but I don’t want to talk about it. I’m so tired.”
“Do you want to take a shower and then go to bed?”
“I don’t know if I have the energy.”
“Don’t worry. Daddy will do it for you.”
I brought him into the en suite bathroom and wrestled him out of his clothes and me out of mine. In the shower, he leaned against me as I quickly washed his body. He nuzzled into my neck and yawned.
“That feels so good on my body. I love the way you touch me.”
Chuckling, I rinsed him off. “Come on. We need to get you into bed ASAP.”
But not before brushing his teeth, and by then, he declared he had no energy left, so I picked him up and brought him to bed.
Before I could move away to find us clothes, he dragged me down beside him and circled me with his limbs like an octopus.
He gave a satisfied little hum and pressed his lips to my neck.
“I wish I didn’t have to work. I missed you all night.”
“Actually, you—” I bit off the irresponsible words of telling him he didn’t have to work before they came out. Fuck. Phoenix was right. My feelings for Soren were clouding my judgment.
“Working helps us to be productive and contribute to a larger goal.” I kissed the side of his head. “I promise you that it’ll get better.”
“Hmm. I trust you because Daddy knows best.”
He was silent for so long that I thought he had fallen asleep, but then he raised his head slightly.
“Daddy?”
“Yes, little prince?”
“Thank you for checking up on me at the club tonight.”
I groaned. “I told Phoenix not to tell you about that.”
“He didn’t. I saw you when you walked away. But why didn’t you come over?”
“I didn’t want to interrupt your work.”
“Oh, that makes sense,” he said with a sigh. “After all the mistakes I made, it might not have been a good idea to have my Daddy at work.”
I squeezed my eyes shut and bit the inside of my cheek to keep it at that, but I didn’t want a relationship built on lies and half-truths.
“Actually, the truth is that when I saw you sitting beside that man, I was so jealous that I couldn’t bear seeing you with him.”
“Really?”
“Yes.” I patted his bare bottom. “Turns out seeing you with another man makes me jealous. I don’t want you to find a better Daddy than me.”
“But there is no better Daddy than you.” Soren wriggled down my body and took my cock in his hand.
“Soren, I thought you were tired?”
“I made Daddy sad earlier, so I have to make him happy now.” He grinned sleepily at me and rubbed his cheek over my groin like a cat. “If I fall asleep sucking you off, you have my permission to use your little toy just the same. And I might let you do it again if you can do it and not wake me.”