19. Soren
SOREN
Despite going to bed late, I woke up before the sun was out.
My eyes burned from too little sleep, and my ass had the sticky reminder of Jude rocking into me ever so slowly last night.
I must have fallen asleep somewhere in the middle because I didn’t recall how it’d ended, though I didn’t need much of an imagination to figure it out.
I snuggled closer to Jude, and he shifted in his sleep, anchoring one big arm around me.
Usually, his presence made me feel so safe that I’d never had a problem falling asleep, but my mind kept returning to Martin and how, after his date left, we’d talked for the rest of the night—mostly about our love for Belvaria.
At the time, I’d loved every minute of our conversation, but in that pre-dawn moment, when I should have felt at peace knowing people cared about me, I felt a profound sense of despair and melancholy.
Belvaria might have turned its back on me, but it was home, and I missed it.
I’d been so upset with my father for watching from the sidelines while I was stripped not only of my royal title but also of the life I had always known that I had refused to keep in touch with him.
Now I regretted it because I’d already lost so much.
My father and half brother were the only close family I had left, and I wasn’t even that close to my half brother.
After frustratingly lying in the dark for a while, I picked up Jude’s arm and carefully got out of bed.
He was up late last night waiting for me to come home, and he worked long hours during the day.
He deserved not to be disturbed by me because I was preoccupied with a past I didn’t even know if I should share with him.
Things were good between Jude and me right now, but would this change when he found out I was royally incompetent?
Frustrated, I put on Jude’s robe and slipped out of the house.
The morning air was cold, so I pulled the robe tighter around myself, but I didn’t bother going back for shoes.
I crossed the yard and made my way toward the beach, the sand cool beneath my bare feet.
Dawn hadn’t broken yet, though the darkness was beginning to thin along the horizon, turning the sky from black to a deep, cloudy blue.
The ocean was louder at that hour without the usual sounds of people and traffic. There was only the steady crash of waves and the wind moving across the water. I walked slowly, letting the damp sand sink beneath my feet, but the heaviness inside me followed.
My thoughts drifted to my mother.
I missed her so badly sometimes and it made no sense because I could barely remember her.
I was only five when she died, yet I could swear that sometimes I remembered her singing to me while putting me to bed.
If not for the photos my father kept of her, I would have forgotten what she looked like, but I didn’t even have that anymore since the portrait I’d carried of her was stolen among the things Daphne had taken.
The suffocating feeling came with the memories of my two older brothers, whom I’d been close to.
They’d taken extra special care to look after me after our mother died, and I’d always tagged along with them wherever they went.
For the first time, Marcel had turned me down when I’d asked to join their ski trip.
Thad had backed him, though he’d tried to soften the blow by promising they would take me the following year.
I had refused to speak to either of them before they left. Didn’t even see them off. For days afterward, I had been angry. Then the accident happened.
Their refusal had saved my life. Had they agreed to take me, I would have been with them. I would have been in the same vehicle, on the same mountain road, and there would have been three empty rooms in the palace instead of two.
The thought pressed painfully against my chest as I walked closer to the edge of the water until the waves washed soothingly over my ankles.
If I could just have one minute more with them, I would tell them I loved them, that I should have seen them off. Were they all watching over me or was death final? I liked the idea that they could see me even if I couldn’t see them.
But if they were conscious of my actions, then they would be disappointed by how much I’d let down the family and the crown.
Another wave rushed in, rising past my knees. The water pulled at the robe, but I kept moving without thinking. By the time I realized how much the sand had shifted beneath my feet and had pulled me farther into the ocean than I’d planned to go, the water was at my waist.
For several seconds, I turned to stare at the shoreline. The house looked farther away than it should have.
A wave struck me from the side, knocking me off balance. I stumbled, and the water surged higher. The sand kept shifting, pulling me deeper in.
My heart began to pound.
I knew how to swim. I had taken lessons for years after the incident with Thad and Marcel at the lake. But the robe had become heavy around my legs, and every time I tried to move toward shore, the water tugged me backward.
Another wave hit, this time crashing over my head. I emerged from the waves, gasping.
“Soren!” The sound was faint beneath the crashing waves.
I turned to find Jude running across the beach toward me.
“Soren!” His voice sounded frightened. “Come back.”
I grabbed at the robe and struggled to pull it free. There was no way I was going to make it back to shore wearing it. The soaked fabric clung to my arms, but I finally shrugged out of it and let it disappear behind me.
Without the weight, I moved more easily and swam toward the shore. Jude reached the water before I reached him. He pushed through the waves until his hands closed around my arms.
“What are you doing?” he shouted.
“I don’t know,” I whispered, uncertain if he heard me.
He pulled me against him, and for a moment, he only held me tightly to him. Then another wave struck, and Jude turned toward shore. His grip never loosened. He kept one arm around me while we moved through the water, guiding me until my feet found the sand again.
By the time we reached the beach, my legs were shaking. Jude wrapped both arms around my naked body.
“What the hell happened?”
I circled my arms around his waist and buried my face into his neck. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize how far in I was.”
His hands moved over my face and shoulders, checking me. “I woke up and you weren’t in bed. Fuck, baby, you scared ten years off my life.”
I shook my head. “I couldn’t sleep and decided to go for a walk.”
“You’re naked and shivering,” he said. “Let’s get you back to the house.”
Jude kept one arm firmly around my shoulders as we walked back toward the house.
The sky had lightened enough to turn the ocean silver behind us, but the wind still cut through me, and without the robe, there was nothing to protect me from it.
I leaned into him, grateful for the heat of his body and the steady pressure of his hand against my arm.
Neither of us spoke until we reached the house. The moment we stepped inside, Jude locked the door behind us and guided me straight upstairs.
“Sit,” he said when we reached the bedroom.
I lowered myself onto the chair near the window while he disappeared into the bathroom. He returned with one of the large towels, unfolded it, and draped it around my shoulders. Then he crouched in front of me and began drying my arms and my chest, the water still running down my legs.
“I can do it,” I said quietly.
“I know.”
But he didn’t hand me the towel. He finished drying me off, then got a fresh towel and wrapped me up in it. I couldn’t stop staring at him, at the furrow between his brows, the hard clench of his jaw, and the way he kept glancing up at me as though checking that I was alright.
He was so gentle with me, which shouldn’t have moved me so much.
I’d had valets tending to me since I was five years old.
They’d taken over the duty after my mother passed away, and even when I gained a stepmother, they kept doing it, so I wasn’t a stranger to another’s hands taking care of my body.
But only Jude touched me this way without obligation.
Only after he was satisfied that I was no longer shaking as badly did he pull me over to the bed and sit beside me. He took my hands in his, but for several seconds, he said nothing.
“Thank you for taking care of me,” I said softly.
“You chose to walk into the ocean before sunrise. Alone,” he said. “I want to know the reason why. Don’t keep anything from me, Soren. I need the truth. If you have any suicidal ideation, I need to know.”
My eyes widened. “No, I don’t.”
“Soren—”
“I swear I don’t.” I shook my head quickly. “I didn’t go out there because I wanted to hurt myself.”
He searched my face. “Then tell me what happened.”
I gripped the towel, measuring how much to tell him. After what he’d just witnessed, I owed him at least a modicum of truth.
“I was missing my mom and my brothers,” I finally shared.
Jude let out a long breath. “You’ve never talked about your family before.”
“And you’ve never asked.”
“Because I wanted you to feel comfortable enough to tell me on your own. So will you?”
I leaned into his side, and he wrapped an arm around my shoulder. “They’re dead.”
“My God, little prince. That’s a lot for you to lose.”
“My mother died when I was five, and my brothers died two years ago in an accident while they were on a ski trip. I wanted to go with them, but they refused to take me.”
“I’m so sorry. That must be painful for you.”
“It was—still is. The reason I spent so much time talking to Martin tonight is that he’s familiar with my country, and since I left almost four months ago, it was the first time I’d met anyone who was interested in the place where I am from.
But it also made me very sad. When I woke up, I couldn’t go back to sleep. I had too much on my mind.”
Jude squeezed my shoulder. “If you miss it so much, why don’t you visit? Do you have other relatives there?”
I nodded. “My dad, stepmom, and half brother. I haven’t spoken to any of them since I moved to California.”
“Why did you leave?”
“Someone I cared about used me, and it caused a lot of trouble for my family,” I explained carefully. “In the end, they had no choice but to ask me to leave.”
“Your family abandoned you?”
“I guess not totally. My father has reached out, but I’ve been too upset with him, so I’ve ignored all his calls and emails.”
“Do you regret that?”
“A part of me does, yes.”
“Then why don’t you call him sometime? I’m not sure of the nature of what happened between you, but if he’s reaching out, then it means he still cares.”
“I guess.” I tilted my head to look up at him. “Do you know why I chose to come specifically to Headland, California?”
“Tell me.”
“This is where my mother was from. I thought maybe by coming here I would feel a little closer to her, breathe the same air she did, love the same places she did. I even went by the house where she was raised as a foster kid.”
“That sounds like a lovely way to connect with her.”
“It would have been, but the current owners wouldn’t let me onto the property. At least I can look at it from across the street, though, right?”
“I’m sorry you’ve had to go through all of this, little prince.”
I shuffled over his lap to straddle him.
I looped my arms loosely around his neck and smiled.
“It wasn’t all bad. I came here, was robbed, and became homeless, but then I met the most wonderful man a boy could ever ask for.
And I wished I’d never had to go through all of that, but if it meant you’re the rainbow at the end of the storm, then the journey was worth surviving. ”
“I still wish you hadn’t gone through so much heartache.”
Without a word, I traced the shape of his features with my fingertips—the blunt arch of his brows, the fine lines at the corners of his eyes, and the strong bridge of his nose. His face had become so familiar to me in such a short time that I could picture every detail even with my eyes closed.
“You’re so handsome, Daddy,” I murmured. “No wonder all the boys at Halo House are in love with you.”
Jude chuckled, taking my hand and kissing the fingertips. “I doubt that’s true.”
“It is, and I get it.” My heart pounded in my chest. After my last experience, I should be more cautious, more guarded with my heart, but I didn’t want to be.
“Because it’s only been a couple of weeks, but I’m pretty sure I’m already falling in love with you, Jude.
It’s important to me that you know my feelings aren’t just because of the way you care for me as my Daddy.
You’ve done that for many others before.
My feelings are for you—Jude—the man who exists with or without the honorific. ”
“Little prince—”
I didn’t want to hear him downplay what I felt for him because of the short time we’d been together. Worse, I didn’t want to hear him say he didn’t feel the same way about me, so I did the only thing I knew to shut him up by slamming my lips to his.
But although it worked, I couldn’t help wondering what he wanted to say to me after my confession.