20. Jude
JUDE
When Phoenix had called me to say there was a plumbing issue in the shared bathroom on the second floor of Halo House, I’d gotten my tools without hesitation.
Soren and a couple of the others were out shopping today, something I’d easily consented to given he’d been working so hard lately.
He’d received his first salary, and he’d been excited about it even though he’d been shocked at the amount that actually went into his pocket after paying Uncle Sam.
I’d listened to him with a straight face, barely containing my laugh as he ranted for fifteen minutes straight after discovering the joy of payroll deductions.
He’d muttered something about not realizing the hardship of commoners before calling Dean to ask if he wanted to go shopping.
Dean had finally settled on a Daddy who was apparently loaded, so he’d been inviting Soren on a shopping spree for the past few days.
I’d taken Soren with me to Halo and kissed him goodbye, reminding him to be careful when he jumped into a car with Dean, Jorge, and Shannon.
Their plans involved shopping, then lunch with Jorge since today was his last day at Halo House.
His caregivers had asked him to move in with them, and he’d accepted.
That meant three boys who’d moved out recently: Soren, who’d only been there for a week; Tony, who’d had a grand send-off party last week since he was leaving the country with his pilot boyfriend to live in London; and now Jorge.
“This is the emptiest the house has been,” Phoenix said, standing over me and handing me tools as I asked for them while I worked beneath the kitchen sink.
I’d already fixed the problem in the shower, but, in true Phoenix fashion, there was always something else to take care of around the house.
No matter how often I told him to call me if he needed anything, he only did so when the issue was dire and couldn’t be ignored any longer.
“Isn’t that a good thing?” I asked. “It means the house is successfully doing what it set out to do.”
Phoenix sighed. “I know. Still feels strange.”
“So what exactly is the problem? Are you getting too attached to your angels? Flashlight.”
“No. I’m happy for them. Jorge found people who love him. Tony is starting a whole new life. Soren barely stayed long enough to learn anything before you stole him.”
“I didn’t steal him. You practically begged me to take him in and teach him the ropes.”
Phoenix snorted. “Begging is a stretch when you were already interested in him.”
“You’re way too invested in my private life,” I said.
“You’re my best friend. Your private life is one of the few forms of entertainment I get for free.”
I was glad he couldn’t see my smile. “I know a cop who would be more than happy to entertain you for free.”
He groaned, and the conversation fell quiet while I replaced the damaged section of pipe and tightened the connections. Phoenix continued to pass me tools, though twice he handed me the wrong ones and insisted they all looked the same.
“You know,” he said after a while, “Soren’s getting on well with the other workers at the club. He seems very happy.”
My hands slowed. “That’s because he is. I take good care of him.”
“What about you? Are you happy?”
I adjusted the wrench around the final connection, turned back on the valve, then scooted out from under the sink. “You already know the answer, so why ask?”
“You’re in love with him.”
“Hmm.” I reached for the tap and turned the water back on. The pipes gave a brief shudder before the faucet ran steadily. I watched the connections for several seconds, checking for moisture.
Nothing.
“There,” I said. “All fixed.”
“And once again, I’m in your debt.”
“You give me a cold drink, and we’re even.”
“That I can do.” He grabbed a Gatorade from the fridge and gave it to me. “So are you ready to talk about why you freaked out on Soren’s first night at the club?”
I choked on the drink and developed a coughing fit. “You tricked me. I asked for just the drink.”
“Consider the rest as an advance for the next time we need your help.” He sat gracefully at the island and crossed his legs. “I’ve held back saying certain things before, but you have an actual good thing going with Soren, and I don’t want you to blow it.”
“And why am I going to blow it?” I wiped the back of my hand across my mouth.
“Because you don’t think you’ll be enough for him.”
For a moment, I forgot to breathe.
I stared at Phoenix, but the kitchen seemed to fall away around him. The hum of the refrigerator, the faint voices from elsewhere in the house, even the cold bottle in my hand became distant as I came face-to-face with the truth I had spent years refusing to name.
Because he was right.
“You could have had a relationship with many of the subs you’ve taken in,” he continued, as though unable to stop now that he’d opened the can of worms. “But because of what your ex did, you think that anyone you love will find you lacking and eventually leave you.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Then tell me I’m wrong.”
I averted my head and inhaled deeply through my mouth. The empty bottle crumpled in my fist.
“So what if you’re right?” I said hoarsely.
“Darren did the things he did because I didn’t make enough for him.
I was making a lot more then than I do now.
If not for my aunt, who willed me that house, I would never have been able to afford the place.
I can teach a sub how to be independent and how to navigate the world, but after they’ve learned that, what else do I have to offer them? ”
“Jude, you can’t actually believe that. You’re a great guy, and any sub would be lucky to have you.”
I chuckled humorlessly. “Want to know something, Phoenix? I strongly believe a sub should know how to survive in this world on their own. It gives them the bargaining power they need to avoid being taken advantage of. But at the same time, they deserve to be loved, pampered, and given the best things in life. Soren deserves the best things in life. His life has been incredibly hard.”
“So you’re thinking of letting him go even though everything you’re saying right now practically screams that you’re in love with him?”
“I don’t know. I should, but you’re right, Phoenix. With Soren, I’ve become a terrible Daddy. I’m even being selfish enough to want to keep him.”
“Well, maybe that’s what he wants too, and that should count for something. Soren’s not your ex.”
I nodded slowly. “Perhaps that’s so, but you’re a hypocrite as well, Phoenix.”
He glanced away from me, his jaw working. “I know. It’s easier to interfere with your life than mine. I just want to see you happy.”
“But don’t you deserve to be happy too?”
By the time the angels returned to Halo House, I’d also fixed the loose toilet handle in the downstairs bathroom, tightened several screws in the dining room chairs, replaced a broken shelf bracket in the pantry, and repaired the latch on the back door.
Phoenix had followed me around, claiming none of it was necessary while continuing to point out new things that needed fixing.
I worked on everything without complaint while I waited patiently for Soren to return.
As expected, the subs entered the house in chaos, mountains of shopping bags rustling between them and chatter filling the air.
They rushed into the ballroom, Soren’s eyes lighting up when he saw me.
He broke away from the group and came up to join me where I’d just finished repairing the pulley cords that controlled the curtains.
“Daddy, you’re still here.” He turned up his face for a kiss, and I pressed my mouth hard against his.
“Ah, Daddy Jude, that’s not even fair,” I heard Dean whine. “You never kiss any of us like that.”
Grinning, Soren stuck his tongue out at his friend. “I know my Daddy’s better, but you already have one, so you should be satisfied.”
“My Daddy’s awesome, too!” Dean swung the bags in his hands. “I spent so much of his money today while you only got one thing.”
I realized then that Soren only had one item in his hand, and it was a gift bag.
“I thought you wanted to get some skincare products?” I asked. He’d gotten a few from Phoenix, but he’d mentioned needing vitamin C and some chemical product that sounded like a biohazard.
“I didn’t bother,” he said, smiling, and handed me the bag. “I got something for Daddy instead.”
“You did?” Surprised, I held the bag awkwardly, not sure what to do with it. Of all the subs I’d taken under my wing, none had ever gifted me anything before. Not even after they moved out and became successful. I’d never required it, but it felt kind of nice to receive something for once.
Soren nodded. “Will you open it now?”
“You want me to?” I asked, aware that we had an audience. Even Phoenix was looking on with curiosity. He was getting nosier by the minute.
“Yes. I walked for a long time before I found it.”
Curious to see what it was, I parted the wrapping tissue and reached inside the bag to retrieve the item.
A rich brown leather tool roll unfolded in my hands.
For several seconds, I only stared at it.
The leather was thick and supple, the genuine kind that would soften over time rather than crack.
Neat rows of reinforced pockets lined the inside in different sizes, made to hold chisels, screwdrivers, pencils, and smaller hand tools.
Brass rivets strengthened the corners, and two sturdy straps wrapped around the outside so it could be rolled tightly and carried without anything slipping free.
My fingers traced one of the stitched seams as surprise settled heavily in my chest.
Two days ago, I’d walked into the house for lunch as usual and complained because the strap on my old tool roll had torn again. I’d repaired it so many times that there was barely enough original leather left to stitch through, and I’d finally admitted that even I couldn’t save it.
I hadn’t thought Soren was listening.
“You remembered,” I said, emotion thickening my voice.
“Of course. I’m a good boy, so I listen to everything you say, Daddy.”
I wrapped my free arm around his waist and hauled him up against me. “Yes, you are. The best boy a Daddy could ever ask for.”
“Ah shucks, now Soren makes the rest of us look bad,” Dean cried.
“Why don’t you all bring your stuff upstairs?” Phoenix suggested, and I nodded my thanks to him as he shuffled the others up the stairs, giving us some privacy.
“How much did you spend?” I asked.
“It was just a hundred and thirty dollars, Daddy.”
“Just? Baby, you don’t make much at the bar.”
“Actually, I get decent tips.”
“But still. You don’t ever have to spend your money on me.”
Soren pouted. “But I wanted to. At first, I planned to buy some new clothes and skincare, but I had no idea how much that stuff cost! I changed my mind. I’d worked so hard for that paycheck, and I didn’t want to squander it.”
“Then why get me something? You could save the money. We talked about saving, remember?”
“Because you always give to everyone else and you never ask for anything in return,” Soren said. “I wanted to give you something that’s only yours and not to be shared.”
Fuck.
I closed my eyes and pressed his face to my chest in a hug, mostly so he didn’t see how much his words affected me.
“Thank you, little prince. I’ll cherish it.”
The same way I’ll cherish you.