67. Lilias
Lilias
WATCH DUTY
Someone is shaking my shoulder. I try to pull away, to roll onto my side, but they don’t stop. I open my eyes, wince at the flood of bright light, and try to push the hand away.
“You’re the one who wanted to be woken up for watch duty,” Gerard whispers, his voice rough.
“Damnit,” I groan.
I push my sleeping roll down and force myself to sit up. My entire body aches, and my throat feels like it’s been packed with sand. I blink at the light that’s so rudely streaming through the branches, then at Gerard.
“I don’t think those assholes were going to wake you up,” he says, nodding toward the bushes.
I follow his gaze and see Petrys and, past him, another sleeping roll that must be Zarek.
He’s as far away from me as he can get. I swallow hard and try to shove that thought away. Gerard nods, then comes to his feet. He offers me his hand, and I take it.
“So, what do I do?” I whisper.
Gerard scratches the back of his neck. “Come here.”
I follow him out of the little grove of trees and to a mossy rock perched on the edge of a hill.
“Stay back here,” he says. “In the shade. Don’t be too obvious.”
I glance at the rock, then back at Gerard. He yawns. My hands twist together at my waist. I don’t want to sound like an idiot, but I don’t want to mess this up either.
“Okay,” I whisper. “So. What do I watch?”
Gerard stares at me as a slow smile creeps over his face.
“Right,” he says. “You’ve never had watch duty, huh?”
I huff. My cheeks are burning.
What must Zarek think, my mind whispers. You don’t even know what watch duty means. Hells, you can’t even shell peas.
“Watch for dust,” Gerard says. “Coming off the road. Listen for horses, or voices. Basically, anything seems weird, you come and wake me up.”
He yawns again. I thank him. He nods, then frowns and turns back to me.
“Who is Petrys anyway?” he asks.
I open my mouth, then close it. I don’t think Petrys would want me to share his history.
“He looks a little like Zarek,” Gerard continues. “But, like a good-looking version of Zarek.”
My mouth falls open again. “What?”
“No offense,” Gerard says. “I know you, uh, see something in him. In Zarek, I mean.”
“You think Petrys is good-looking?” I ask.
“Fuck, yeah,” Gerard replies. He runs his hand over his face, then shakes his head. “Anyway. Just wondered what his story is.”
“Maybe you should ask him,” I say, once I can force my mouth to form words again.
“Yeah,” Gerard mumbles. He rubs the back of his neck again. “Maybe I should.”
We stare at each other in silence for a heartbeat, and then Gerard shrugs and turns to leave.
“Well, I’m going to get some sleep,” he says. “Good luck.”
“You too,” I reply automatically.
I stare at his back as he pushes his way through the branches toward the little pine grove hiding our campsite, and then I watch the place where he vanished until the branches stop moving and the air fills with birdsong and the hum and drone of insects.
Then I try to find a comfortable place to sit down and stare at the valley below.
Watch duty turns out to be strangely relaxing.
I watch shadows crawl across the boulder and a hawk make slow, lazy circles above the trees as they ripple in the wind.
I don’t see any dust coming from the road, or at least, I don’t think I do.
And the cries and calls I hear in the forest all sound like birds.
Until someone coughs behind me.
I jump, my heart lodging in the back of my throat.
“I’m sorry,” Zarek says, in a low voice. “I didn’t mean to startle you.”
I spin around and gulp a breath.
“You didn’t startle me,” I lie.
He grins. “Let me guess. Gerard woke you?”
“I asked for watch duty,” I say, trying to sit up straighter.
Zarek sits down next to me, close enough to touch. If I reached out.
I twist my hands together in my lap and stare down at the valley.
“The sun’s setting soon,” Zarek says. “If you wanted to get a little more rest, you could.”
So, that’s it? I’m dismissed? I huff and start to clamber to my feet. Zarek keeps staring at the valley, like there’s something much more interesting out there.
“Fine,” I say. “I— I’ll—”
The words die in my throat. I take a breath and try again.
“I can do watch duty,” I snap.
Zarek turns to me and raises an eyebrow.
“I’m not incompetent,” I say. “Just because I don’t know how to wash dishes or shell peas. It doesn’t mean I’m some helpless princess. I can learn.”
His eyes widen, and I realize what an idiot I sound like. What in the gods’ many names does shelling peas have to do with taking a turn on watch duty? My fingers sink into the soft fabric of my sleeves and curl into fists.
“No one who’s seen you around horses would ever call you incompetent,” Zarek says.
“So why didn’t you wake me up?” I snap. “Why did you let me sleep all day yesterday?”
Zarek opens his mouth, then closes it.
“I’m sorry,” he finally says. “I should have. I—” He glances down at the mossy boulder, then back to me. “I’m sorry for the way I acted. In the palace.”
My cheeks burn. He’s sorry for dropping to his knees in the servants’ passageway? He’s sorry for making my body burn so hot I thought it was going to kill me?
He rubs his hand over his face, then shakes his head.
“It was weak,” he continues, in a low, jagged voice. “You shouldn’t have to see that, to deal with it. I should never have—” He stops, then turns away and starts again. “I— I haven’t been like that in a long time. Not since Gerrart. I thought it would never happen again.”
Oh. Oh, gods.
He’s not talking about the servants’ passageway. He’s talking about Ethiria. About collapsing on the floor and breathing so hard and so fast I thought he was dying.
I sink back down on the mossy boulder and take his hand in mine. His fingers feel cold. He glances at me, then back out at the valley.
“That’s okay,” I say, holding his hand in mine. “Gods, don’t apologize for that.”
He laughs. It’s a dark, bitter sound.
“I was cowering on the godsdamned floor,” he says, in a voice like the edge of a blade. “That wasn’t exactly proper husband behavior.”
I frown. “Then what in the hells is proper husband behavior?”
He shakes his head again.
“No, I’m serious,” I push. “Blayne kept me locked in a room for three days. Is that proper husband behavior? My father had all the portraits of my mother burned in the courtyard after she died. Is that proper husband behavior?”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“Then what did you mean?”
He opens his mouth, but just shakes his head and turns away. I squeeze his hand.
“I’m not—” I take a breath, then push on. “I’m not much of a proper wife anyway.”
He laughs again, softer and lighter this time.
“What do you mean by that?” he says. “What about you could possibly be improper?”
I glance away, guilt burning in my chest like a live coal. I’ve had plenty of time to think about this, locked away in Blayne’s stupid house, counting down the days until my husband’s public execution.
“It’s my fault Prince Laurance turned on us in Ethiria,” I admit.
“What?”
I take a breath and force myself to continue.
“He said he was going to marry me,” I explain. “The day I stayed behind and saw Malrik and the elf arrive. That morning, he— Laurance, he threatened you. And—”
I hesitate. Zarek stares at me. Gods, I feel like such an idiot.
I should have taken the offer, my mind whispered over and over as I stared at the ceiling of the narrow little bedroom in Blayne’s house. If I’d taken the offer, Zarek would be free.
“I held a knife to his throat,” I finally admit.
Zarek stares at me for another heartbeat. And then he explodes into laughter.
“You’re kidding me,” he says, once he can speak again. “The blade I gave you?”
I press my palms against my burning cheeks and nod.
“It was so stupid,” I confess. “I wasn’t thinking. I just—”
Zarek reaches forward, wraps his arms around me, and pulls me into a kiss.
He kisses me hard and deep, his lips pressing into mine, our tongues tangling together, and slowly, the rest of the world fades away, and all that’s left is my bone-deep certainty that I could never have said yes to Laurance.
Not in a thousand years, not over a thousand lives.
Not after sharing one kiss with the snake of Vsenrog.
Zarek pulls away and laughs again, his dark eyes dancing in the thick afternoon light.
“Gods,” he says. “Lilias, how could you ever think you’re not competent? You’re the most incredible woman I’ve ever met.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Gerard barks.
I flinch and pull away from Zarek. Gerard stands in the shadows behind us, grinning and shaking his head.
“You are the worst at watch duty,” he tells Zarek. “You know that?”
“Go to the hells,” Zarek growls.
“You’re hopeless,” Gerard replies as he shakes his head. “You two might as well come back to the campsite. We’re packing up anyway.”
Zarek stands, then holds his hand out to me. I take it, and he helps me to my feet.
But he drops my hand the moment he turns to follow Gerard back to the hidden meadow where we spread our bedrolls for the day.