35. Home Is You
35
Home Is You
WINTER
“No!”
I close my eyes, anticipating the gunshot, anticipating the pain, anticipating the end. But nothing happens. I’m not dead. How am I not dead? The gunshot hisses in my brain as my hand jumps to my right ear. Blood comes dripping down my palm. The bullet grazed me.
She missed.
When he runs to me, Haze’s face is indescribable. His eyes are bloodshot, his mouth open. He captures my face in his hands and breathes heavily, his entire body trembling as he wraps his arms around me and holds me so tight it’s hard to breathe. He looks like the weight of the world has just been lifted off his shoulders.
“What were you saying? She means nothing to you? You’re a fucking liar, Haze.” Bianca sniffles. “It’s your fault. You’re making me do this. You’re giving me no choice.” She cries louder and points the gun at the guy she claims to love.
There’s nothing we can do. We exchange glances that are filled with defeat. We don’t need to speak. Our gazes are saying goodbye. We’re saying “I love you” for the last time. We both close our eyes in anticipation of the inevitable. We hold each other and pray that this will be quick.
That’s when a loud noise startles us.
Another gunshot.
A bullet ricochets on the ground next to Bianca and she jumps.
We all turn our heads to see a car speeding toward us, its glimmering headlights blinding us as it approaches. The person responsible is stretching their arms out the vehicle window. Then, the driver of the car strikes the brake and all doors are swung open as three silhouettes climb out of the vehicle. Relief. That’s all I can feel.
Will, Kendrick, and Alex.
“About fucking time.” Haze glares at them. Panicked, Bianca stares at the three witnesses who just showed up and looks for a way out. The boys are surprised, shocked that the girl they’ve been going to school with since they were kids is behind this.
She’s cornered and she knows it.
“Bianca? Y-you did this?” Kendrick asks, and the seriousness of what she’s done finally dawns on her.
The truth crushes her like a pile of bricks.
She glances at the gun she’s holding and drops it.
She falls to her knees and starts to cry. That’s all she does. She cries uncontrollably.
Here comes the breakdown.
“What the hell am I doing? I almost…” She sobs to herself as she shakes. “What’s wrong with me? I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” She wraps her arms around her body and rocks herself back and forth. “What have I done? What have I done?”
The guys look at us as if they expect some sort of explanation, but they figure it out for themselves when they notice Blake passed out on the ground. Haze summarizes the previous events as best as he can. Then, without wasting another second, he gets me off the ground and into his arms. We’re still shuddering from the trauma.
“I’m so, so sorry,” Haze whispers against my hair, and I let my tears wet his neck. I can’t believe this is the second time we’ve escaped death. The second time we’ve stood this close to the edge and somehow managed to see another day.
“It’s okay. We’re okay,” I sob, and he presses his lips to mine. We make out in front of the boys, but there isn’t even a slight part of me who cares. “So much for being just a fling, huh?” I tell him when we pull away and he sighs.
Kendrick stops him from answering. “Get her out of here. Now!”
“What about them?” Haze eyes them.
“We’ll handle them. Go.”
Haze has no choice but to trust that they’ll do the right thing as he picks up my suitcase—that I’m really glad Blake didn’t throw into the ocean—and motions to get into a car I don’t recognize. I don’t ask questions. Just as he’s about to join me, Kendrick calls out to him.
“Hey, Adams?”
Haze turns around and stares at my cousin.
“Thanks for always looking out for her.”
This sentence holds so much more than it leads on. I remember the day Haze told my cousin he was in love with me. Kendrick didn’t believe him.
He believes him now.
Haze stops, his mouth agape, and finally puts an end to the war that’s been raging for far too long…
Haze nods. “You know I always will.”
“Whose car is this?” I narrow my eyes when Haze pulls up into Maria’s driveway and kills the engine. We’ve been driving in silence for a few minutes now. I think we needed a moment to ourselves.
What happened tonight seems unreal, impossible. My brain keeps rejecting the information. It doesn’t want to be told that I almost died again. That Haze’s crazy friend with benefits took being jealous to a whole other level.
I can’t keep living like this. This can not be my life, no matter how much I love this guy. No matter how many promises we make… It really is time for me to go home.
“You’re not going to like it.” Haze half-smiles before telling me he stole the car from Jackson Miller just as he was about to lose his virginity to a cheerleader.Poor guy. I hope he got lucky.
“You have to give him his car back,” I say.
“Yeah, yeah. I will.” Haze smiles faintly. “Maybe.”
He gets a small grin out of me, which is only something Haze could do in such a serious moment, and helps me out of the car. He refuses to leave my side in case I’m hurt. He insists on helping me get around. We then step inside the house that I’ll be leaving tomorrow.
When I open the door to my bedroom after changing out of my dress, I fight every nerve in my body telling me to beg Haze to come with me. Because I know what his answer will be. He made it clear when we were dancing. He’s not coming. Whether or not he follows, I’ll be on a plane back to Toronto first thing in the morning, and there’s nothing no one, not even Haze, can do about it.
It used to break my heart but not anymore. After what happened tonight, after I got kidnapped for the second time and almost lost my life again , I’m finally ready to accept that going back home is for the best.
Home is safe.
Home has my stepfather and stepsiblings.
Home has my best friend, Allie, who I bet is just dying to get me to binge-watch cheesy shows with her again.
Home has everything.
Except for one thing…
Home doesn’t have Haze Adams.
Haze
“How’s your ear?” I ask Winter when she comes back from the bathroom with her prom dress in her arms. She hangs my tux, that I’ve just swapped for a pair of sweatpants, and puts her dress away.
“It’s okay. I sterilized it. It barely hurts.” She lies on her bed. Silence streams down on us, and we welcome it. Or at least, I do. Because I know what will happen once it leaves us.
After a few seconds, she says it.
“What does this mean for us?”
My heart twists in my chest. I sit on her bed and look at the hardwood floor like I’m waiting for it to slip from under my feet. I can’t face her. I know I wouldn’t survive her teary gaze and sad smile.
“It means that I’ll be visiting you as often as possible. That we’ll spend Christmas and every holiday together. That we’ll FaceTime, text, and call every day. It means that you won’t even have time to miss me.” I gather what’s left of my courage to look into her eyes. Just as I expected, it kills me. No, it crucifies me.
It destroys me because she starts to cry.
“Don’t cry, baby, please. This isn’t over. You hear me?” I lift her chin up. “We’re not breaking up. I’m never going to stop fighting for you. I mean it.”
She wipes a tear away.
“At prom, you said—”
“It was bullshit. All of it. I freaked out and told you a bunch of lies because I’m a fool. I’m a fucking imbecile who would do the craziest thing to keep the girl he loves by his side.”
She doesn’t reply right away, chewing on the inside of her cheek.
“Please say something,” I beg.
She takes a breath and gives me what I want.
“ Something .” She does to me exactly what I once did to her, and I laugh in relief.
“I bet you were just dying to plug that one in, weren’t you?”
She chuckles, the tiniest smile warping her lips. I wrap my arms around her body, feeling this fervent need to tear the oversized hoodie she’s wearing off her. I need to feel her, even if it means that I’ll hate myself even more for letting her go tomorrow.
“You really think we can do this? The long distance?” she whispers into my neck.
“I know we can.”
I mentally smack myself for putting her through this.
Damn it, Haze. Why can’t you just tell her?
“I’ll… I’ll miss you,” she chokes out.
“Winter, please… you’re killing me right now.” I’m so busy trying to swallow the painful lump in my throat that I don’t even realize tears are welling in my eyes.
I didn’t want to admit it, but I’ve known it for a while now. The bastards are right. All of them. This girl has changed me. She’s made me vulnerable. She’s taught me to feel when I didn’t want to. When I didn’t even know that I could.
“I love you,” I whisper, and she sighs.
“I love you, too, you goddamn idiot.” Her voice shatters as she climbs onto my laps and encloses my lips with hers. I immediately kiss her harder. I know what she’s doing. She’s giving our bodies a chance to say goodbye.
She’s giving them a chance to do what we can’t.
The kisses go from soft to hard. From slow to fast. The rising tension reminds me to enjoy this moment to the fullest. I dig into the dips of her hips, and she grinds relentlessly against me. I groan into her ear.
Fuck, I’m already rock hard.
This is going to be torture.
I decide to skip the agonizing teasing and go straight to the good part. I impatiently get her out of the hoodie hiding her perfect curves and my eyes want to pop out of their sockets when I see that she’s not wearing a bra under it. I desperately take in her body, memorizing, engraving, and relishing in every inch of her skin.
My fingers find her nipples while I suck on her earlobe and kiss my way down to her breasts. I circle my tongue around her and feel her melt into my hands. She’s holding back. I hate when she does that. Nothing gets me hard like hearing her moan for me. Don’t even get me started on watching her come. I grip her waist, flip her over, and pin her down under me. We keep kissing until she tugs at my sweatpants and removes them.
“Someone’s ready.” She bites on her lip and takes me between her fingers. I hold my breath when she starts to pump up and down.
Shit.
“Ladies first.” It takes all my willpower to take her hand off me. “How long until they come home?” I whisper and pull the short shorts she loves to wear as pajamas down her legs. She’s not wearing underwear either. I’m so hard it hurts.
“We have like thirty minutes tops before the guys come bursting through the front door.”
My lips quirk into a smile.
In a sudden move, I toss her shorts across the room and grip her thighs apart. Our eyes meet.
“I’ll make you scream in ten.”
Her cheeks flare, but I don’t wait for her to reprimand me. I know she likes when I’m raw. I press my tongue to her and focus all my attention on the spots I know she likes best. She whines and squirms at the strong pressure of my mouth. I don’t take it slow. We’re way past the “is that okay” phase. I know what she likes by now.
The familiarity of her taste doesn’t help me in the hard as a rock department. The bliss on her face when I slide two fingers inside and start thrusting in and out of her quickly tells me that my lonely nights are only going to get worse. How the hell am I supposed to go back to being alone after her?
After this ?
She gasps for oxygen. “I want to feel you. Please.”
“Not yet,” I smile.
“Jerk,” she pants.
“ Prude ,” I say before going back in.
My tongue continues to twirl around her until she starts to tremble. She’s close. She grips the sheet and closes her eyes, but, just as she’s about to reach the peak, I guide myself inside her and start to pound so fast even I’m shocked. I press my lips to hers as she gasps in surprise. She moans so loudly into my mouth I’m afraid that sound alone will cut our moment short. I could come just listening to her.
“Oh my God, Haze .” She claws at my back recklessly. That’s for sure going to leave a mark, but I don’t care. Fuck, she feels so good. I don’t want this moment to end, not yet, so I try to think of something else. Something that’ll take my mind off how tight she is.
I roll my hips harder, faster, and her mouth drops open. She moans louder when I take a fistful of her hair and she finally reaches the sky. Her eyes widen as she shudders in my arms. She’s out of breath, overwhelmed. Slowly coming back down to earth, she whispers that she loves me.
So I say it back.
I say it back and show her just how much I mean it.
I say it back and make her mine…
One last time.
Winter
Has anyone ever been happy to hear their alarm in the morning? Has anyone ever said, “Yeah, time to wake up!” while jumping out of bed? Probably. But that someone has definitely never been me. Indeed, the sound of my alarm usually annoys me. It always has. But this morning is different.
The alarm doesn’t annoy me. It guts me. Its buzzing tells me that the time has come.
This is it. I’m leaving.
I peel my heavy eyes open and slam the snooze button of my alarm clock. It’s five in the morning. My flight is at eight, which means we have to be at the airport soon. Haze’s naked body is sprawled across mine, his head on my chest and his arm around me. I enjoy the warmth of his skin and trace down the curves of his stretching back muscles. How am I ever going to find the strength to get out of this bed?
We barely got any sleep last night. We spent the first half of it making love and the second… worrying that it might be the last time. The boys came home at around 2:00 a.m. I rushed downstairs, the worry that something had gone wrong eating me whole. They told us everything.
Apparently, as soon as we left, Kendrick called the cops claiming to have been driving by when he heard a gunshot. The police showed up at the scene and found nothing but an unconscious Blake on the ground. They called Kendrick to let him know about what went on later and thanked him for doing his citizen duty. It turns out that Blake wasn’t lying when he said his only means of survival was selling drugs. He had an unimaginable amount on him and in his van. They also matched his prints to a bunch of car thefts all over town.
He’s going down, even if it’s not for the right crime, and that’s all that matters.
As for Bianca, Kendrick gave her an ultimatum: go get the help she needs or face the consequences of the law. She could check herself into a mental institution for young adults, or Kendrick could tell the police and her family all about her murder attempt. She chose option number one. He’s been going to school with her ever since they were five. I think that’s why he went easy on her.
Alex offered to drive Jackson’s car back to him last night. He knew where he lived, so he left fifty bucks in his mailbox. Consider it a “Sorry we’re the reason you didn’t get laid on prom night” gift.
“Winter, are you up?” Kass asks from the hallway and knocks on my door. They all promised to get up early to say their goodbyes. Alex even spent the night for it.
“I’m almost ready,” I call and nudge Haze with my elbow.
“Five more minutes,” he groans.
“I’m going to take a shower, and you better be up when I come out.” I place a handful of kisses across his face and walk off. By the time I make myself presentable and put on an airport- appropriate outfit, Haze is sitting on the edge of my bed and playing with his fingers. He’s wearing the clothes he found at my place last night. It’s a good thing he’s so territorial and left a bunch of stuff behind the numerous times he snuck in through the window. One can’t wear a tux forever.
The impending pain in his eyes breaks me. He runs a hand through his messy hair and pats the bed. I join him. Ten minutes of making out and feeling sorry for ourselves later, we’re walking down the stairs and bickering about how heavy my suitcase is.
“How many rocks are you bringing back home?” Haze taunts, and I punch his arm.
I’m a known overpacker.
Hell, if I could, I’d bring him in my suitcase.
In the kitchen stand Will, Kendrick, Alex, and Kass. They look beyond tired, but first and foremost, they look sad, like “someone just died” sad.
“I’m going to miss you.” Kass steps forward with her arms open. She’s smothering tears. I won’t be able to keep my composure if she starts crying.
“I’ll miss you, too.” I hug her and fail to swallow the painful pit in my throat. Alex and Kendrick are next in line for the “It sucks that you’re moving to another country” hug.
“You’ll come visit every summer, right?” Kendrick whispers when we pull away.
“Every summer. I promise.” My voice uncovers a pain I didn’t expect. I never knew this would be so hard.
“Don’t get into too much trouble in penguin land, okay?”
I laugh at my overprotective cousin and think back to the way it all started. To the day I followed him to his creepy meeting with no idea that it would mark the beginning of a crazy adventure. The events that changed everything play through my mind, and my heart cracks open. I can’t glance Haze’s way. I won’t survive it.
He’s the goodbye I can’t say.
My gaze jumps to Will, whose eyes are red.
“Will, are you… crying?”
“What? Don’t be ridiculous, Canada. There’s just something in my eye.” He rubs his eyelids.
He’s crying.
That’s it. I can’t hold it in anymore. Tears begin to flood my eyes and soak my cheeks.
“Come here.” He opens his arms to me, and I walk into his embrace with a painful laugh. It kills me to see them like this.
They’re not just Kendrick’s friends anymore.
They’re family.
“You know what? Group hug,” I add.
The guys grumble at how cheesy this is but still participate in our ridiculous embrace. I walk out of the tiny but welcoming house that I came to with no other plan than survive my senior year. I didn’t know, back then, that it’d turn out to be a much harder task than anticipated.
Haze circles my shoulders with his arm as we make our way to the car. He sees me fighting the tears. But, this time, they’re not for him.
I’m going to miss seeing them every day, yelling at Will for eating his ketchup chips like a pig and making a mess, rolling my eyes at Kass when she complains about having back fat, and going off on Kendrick and Alex for wrestling each other all around the house. Regardless of the hell that we went through, I’m still going to miss Florida.
I’m going to miss the good parts.
I slouch in my seat and lecture myself for being this torn. They’re my family. I see them five to six times a year for holidays, family gatherings, and birthdays. We visit each other every summer.
This isn’t goodbye, Winter.
It’s until next time…
Haze
The airport is stuffed with people. You’d think showing up at 6:15 a.m. would earn us some calm, but the commotion clearly disagrees. I don’t know what I expected, really. School is over and summer is at our doors. If the packed building is everything but quiet, Winter hasn’t said a single word since we left her aunt’s house. I wish I knew what she was thinking.
It feels like the oxygen is being sucked out of my lungs when she speaks for the first time to tell me she’s going to print out her boarding passes. It’s like every step she takes is bringing me closer to the edge, closer to losing it.
She’s leaving, Haze. For good.
Unless you do something about it.
I mentally battle myself and watch her long brown hair swing from left to right as she walks away from me. From us. An airport employee shows up to help her with any questions she might have. I’m about to follow her when my phone rings. The number on the screen immediately sends me into a whirlwind of panic.
This isn’t the time or place.
I glance around nervously, making sure that no one is close enough to listen, and pick up.
“Not a good time,” I drone.
“When is it ever?” he scoffs. “You know I wouldn’t have called if it wasn’t important.”
“It better be worth it,” I spit.
I’m not risking Winter finding out about this.Not when she’s leaving soon. I’ll tell her. But not like this. I’ve been busting my ass making sure that she never overheard one of these calls.
I don’t want her to see that part of me.
That hateful, stuck-in-the-past, after-revenge part of me.
I look at the only girl I’ve ever loved. She said there’s nothing here for me anymore, and she’s right. Of course she is. I want to go with her. I want nothing more than to get on that plane but I can’t. I can’t give up just yet. I can’t betray my sister.
I think back to all the times when I would disappear on Winter for days when we first started talking. It was to follow leads. It got me into so much trouble, it might as well be worth it. That’s the last thing I have to do before I can leave my messed-up days behind. Before I can be happy with her. Before I can be free.
I can’t break the promise I made to Desiree that night. I have to find the guy who stole her life away.
I have to find Marcus.
“We know why there hasn’t been a single trace of him in the past months, Haze.” My source’s words flow quickly.
“Ricky, just spit it out, already.”
“There isn’t a trace of him because he’s not in the country anymore.”
An unpleasant feeling in my stomach quickly dominates my usual curiosity. I almost wish that he hadn’t called. I wish I didn’t hear him say these words because of what they imply.
It all makes sense.
The piece of shit stopped leaving clues behind. No credit card transactions, no whisper on the street, nothing. It was like he’d just vanished from the surface of the earth. I thought he might be dead. I was wrong.
“Where is he?” I keep my eyes glued to Winter, who’s smiling at me from afar. She’s completely oblivious, waiting in line to check her luggage at the counter.
What I wouldn’t do to keep this girl out of harm’s way.
“Listen, man. I made a mistake. I’m sorry. This one’s on me,” he says in fear of my reaction.
“Ricky, I’m only going to ask you one last time. Where’s the bastard? Where’s Marcus?” I hiss at his endless stalling. He lets out a long breath that makes me want to rip his head off. I don’t need the dramatic effects. It’s like he’s holding his tongue precisely to piss me off.
Then, after the longest five seconds of my life, he says it.
“You don’t happen to be planning a trip to Canada anytime soon, do you?”
My mouth falls open as my ability to think, breathe, speak—overall be a human being—escapes me.
All I can do is look at her. Just her.
Are you fucking kidding me?
“I have to go.” I hang up before he can even think of getting a word in and weave my way through the thick crowd of travelers. My feet go up against my brain, my pulse quickening as I shove my hand into my pocket and grasp my passport. My stomach knots.
I find myself behind her. I cut the line, not giving a single fuck about the people huffing and puffing.
“Haze, what are you—”
I don’t let her finish, crashing my lips to hers. She’s surprised, stunned, but she kisses me back. She welcomes my mouth the way she always does. I break away from her and catch the confusion burning in the back of her eyes. I don’t say a word, aware that what I do next can either change everything…
Or ruin it.
I get my passport and the boarding pass I printed out yesterday out of my pocket. Up until now, I was convinced that it was pointless. That I couldn’t possibly change my mind at the last minute and decide to go. But I still booked a flight the second she told me she was leaving. Maybe because, deep down, I knew it would come to this. I knew I’d end up chasing this girl to the end of the world.
Even if she’s not the only one I’m chasing…
Her hand jumps to her wide-open mouth. Her watery eyes stray around like she’s looking for cameras. Like she’s waiting for a crew to jump out and scream, “You’ve been pranked!”
The words she once said to me spin around in my head.
Home is where you heart is.
She’s right.
She was always right.
“What are you doing?” she asks, but it comes out as a plea. She’s begging me. Her eyes say, “I swear to God, if you’re messing with me right now, you’re not having children.” I know she’s forbidding me from answering the question wrong.
So, I give her the only right answer there is…
“I’m going home.”