28. Confession
28
Confession
WINTER
Walking toward my apartment with Waze on a leash, I curse the new theme song of my life : Silence . It’s become a usual sound for me during these past few weeks. Every time it’s broken, it feels odd. Sure, Allie and Kendrick come over to the apartment sometimes, but the majority of my days are spent alone with Waze. The thought makes me sad. Silence should never be a “forever.” Silence should only be a “sometimes.”
Tonight is the exception. My dad was finally released from the hospital, and since we weren’t sure if Lauren would be waiting to ambush him at home, he and Jay settled into my guest rooms. After we ordered food, they both passed out, exhausted from all the emotions the day had brought upon us. Maika will be visiting with Harry’s parents in a few days.
I had to help my dad get around in his wheelchair and do basically everything tonight. Jay and I switched tasks every once in a while, but it only went to show how helpless we’d be in the instance that we couldn’t afford help for him. I stopped by the house to get some clothes for them, and I was angry, but not surprised, to see Lauren’s stuff still there. But that’s a problem for another day. I have more than enough drama with my disappearing ex-boyfriend already.
Still no sign of him. Not even a phone call. I meant it. Part of me knows that’s his way of telling me the “I love you” that made my heart beat again wasn’t a lie.
But then why did he leave?
Why isn’t he calling me back?
I don’t know how much more shit I can handle. I want to go back. Forget the moment he made a deal with Kendrick at the beginning of it all. Time travel to when we first met and run the other way before we made eye contact in the hall.
Forget I ever loved him.
“Let’s go home,” I tell Waze as we head back inside the building from his walk. It’s close to eleven already. I lost track of time. As soon as the elevator doors open, I pick up Waze and huddle him up to my chest. I find myself daydreaming about Haze being home when I turn the corner, but…
The person at my door isn’t Haze.
It’s Caleb.
Leaned back against the wall, he’s on his phone.
“Caleb?”
“Winter, hey.” He looks up and moves out of my way. I unlock the door the best I can with Waze in my arms.
“What are you doing here?” I ask.
“Al told me about your dad being released today and this whole thing with your mom. I wanted to check up on you.”
“Oh. That’s… sweet.” I push the door open. I’m really not in the mood for company, but I feel bad. He came all this way just to show his support, and we did make up at the party. Halfheartedly, I invite him in.
“How are you?” he asks when we sit down on the couch a few minutes later. Waze jumps in next to me and makes himself comfortable. I’d recognize the look on Caleb’s face with my eyes closed.
Pity.
“Al also told you about Haze, didn’t she?” This girl.
“Yeah. Sorry. She told me he left without a word. So, it’s really over? You’re really done with him?” he questions.
I attempt to convince myself. “I guess so.”
How long am I going to let this guy walk in and out of my life whenever he feels like it? I have to be done with him. Out of self-respect. I have to never want to give him another chance.
This has to be over.
Maybe if I repeat it enough, I’ll believe it.
“Listen, Winter, I…” He shifts uncomfortably.
I can hear the bomb explode before it’s detonated. The way he leans closer makes his intentions crystal clear.
“I… I thought I could do this.” He rubs the back of his neck. “I knew I at least owed it to you to try and reunite you with Haze because your happiness is all I want. But… when we got closer at the party, it did something to me, and I couldn’t help but think that you felt it, too. I waited for you to come back from Florida for so long, and if you’re telling me you’re done with him, that you’re ready to let his lying ass go, I have to be up-front with you.”
No, no, no.
Don’t do this to me.
“I still have feelings for you, Winter. I tried to meet someone else, and I promise I had nothing but good intentions at the party, but… I lied. I’m not over you. I think we should give this relationship a try. At least once.”
“Caleb, I’m so sorry, I don’t feel the same.” I inwardly cringe.
He dismisses me. “Come on, deep down, you know you love me, too. That’s why you let me flirt with you at the party, isn’t it?”
He starts to lean in, and I would’ve pushed him away. I would’ve slapped him without question. He’s wrong. I don’t see him like that. I never will. But the sound of the floor squeaking behind us interrupts me.
I jump and turn around, only to see Haze.
Standing in the doorway with flowers in his hand.
Betrayal spreads across his face.
Shit.
Don’t tell me he thinks…
When he drops the bouquet and takes off, I bounce. I throw my boots on and run right after him. I run and I run, not giving a single fuck that I might catch a cold the moment I step outside. I don’t have a coat on. Or a scarf. It’s snowing like crazy—because of course it is—but I can’t stop.
Conflicting thoughts spin around in my brain. He can’t be mad at me. He abandoned me. He completely destroyed me. So what if I had kissed Caleb? He ripped my heart right out of my chest. He pretended to cheat on me. Then came back only to sneak out after we slept together. Why am I chasing after him?
“Winter, wait!” Caleb shouts from inside my apartment, but I pay him no mind. The elevator closes on Haze two seconds too soon, and I have to run like a crazy person down the stairs I’ve literally never used since I moved here.
I just told Caleb I was done with Haze. And I know if we keep this up, I’ll have to be. But the story isn’t over yet. I rush out of the building, the cold breeze wrapping me up, and spot his distant silhouette through the snow. How’d he get this far so quickly? Maybe it’s your lack of cardio.
“Wait, please!” My voice strains with pain. He keeps walking. “It’s not what you think.” I have a hard time accepting that I’m the one justifying myself. This man will be the death of me.
I catch up to him, and he has no choice but to turn around when I grip his shoulder. I tug on his arm so hard that I almost slide over a thick hidden patch of ice.
“Wait!” My eyes are teary. Snowflakes spread over my lashes, freezing my mascara within seconds.
“Caleb? Seriously?” he snarls, but the rage in his eyes fades when he takes a look at me. “What the fuck? Where’s your coat? You’re going to freeze.”
“I’m not going in until you listen to me.”
“Get back inside,” he insists.
“I said no!”
I can’t believe what he does next.
He curses under his breath, removes his coat, and drops it on my shoulders, no questions asked.
Even when he’s pissed at me, even when he thinks I just made out with another guy, he’s still Haze. And this, right there , is why I can’t let him go.
He’s the one freezing now, snowflakes multiplying on his black T-shirt with every passing second.
“I don’t need it.” I attempt to give it back.
“Winter, don’t you dare,” he warns.
Damn, okay, Hazie.
“Nothing happened. He was at the door when I came home. Said he wanted to check on me. Then he confessed his feelings and I rejected him, but he still made a move on me and I swear I would’ve pushed him away. You just happened to walk in at the wrong time. I’m so sorry.” I pause, realization washing over me. “No, I take that back. I’m not sorry. You want to know why he was worried about me? Because I was miserable. I was a mess because you left. Again . I’ve never needed you as much as I did today and you…” My tears turn cold before they can stream down my cheek. “So, you know what? Fine. Leave. If that’s what you want, just go. I’m sick of chasing you. I’m sick of loving someone who doesn’t love me enough to stay. You suck.”
Man, did I really have to add theyou suckat the end? Way to ruin the dramatic effect.
My speech only heightens his anger. He steps forward until he’s so close, I have to crane my neck.
“Is that what you think? That I don’t fucking love you?” he snaps, the anger in his blue eyes sending shivers down my spine. “Of course I do. I love you more than it should be allowed to. You think I didn’t want to be with you today? Winter, it’s all I wanted to do. It’s all I’ve wanted for weeks now.”
“Then why didn’t you?” I’m all sorts of emotional. “Just tell me why.”
He debates on my request, silent for a short moment.
“Tell me or let me go.”
Like my words just slapped him in the face, he steps back. He seems to actually be considering his options, and it terrifies me. He can’t be considering it . Panicked, I get on the tip of my toes and slam my mouth to his. I kiss him with all I have, and in the middle of this semi snowstorm…
He kisses me back.
He’s angry—no, he’s furious—but he doesn’t push me away. It feels like I can breathe again. Our lips dance together, equally desperate for this moment. His hand jumps to my back, and he pulls me flush against his chest. We’re both freezing our asses off, kissing like idiots in a snowy parking lot.
I break away from him. “I love you, goddamn it. Can’t you see that? It’s you. Not him. You ,” I say through frozen tears. When he sees the wreck that I am, pain and anger flee his gaze.
He believes me.
“What the hell are you doing? Get back inside.” Caleb’s voice makes us turn around.
Ugh.
We see him running out of the apartment complex with my coat hanging off his arm. He doesn’t stop until he’s next to me.
“Put your coat on. What are you? Crazy?” He hands it to me, and I give Haze’s back. “Come on.” Caleb captures my arm to drag me back inside. Haze’s hands clench into tight fists the second Caleb touches me, and I know punches will be flying soon. I whisk my arm away from his hold.
“Caleb, I need you to go.”
He stops, surprised. “What?”
“I made it clear. Multiple times. I don’t feel that way about you, Haze or not. I told you I didn’t want this, but you still made a move on me up there. Just go, please.”
Haze’s fists unfold as he watches Caleb’s expression fall to the ground. I don’t mean to hurt him. We used to be close friends, but no is no. Haze motions to walk to his car, which I do. I feel sorry for Caleb, but I know, from this day forward, he can’t be a part of my life anymore. He’s always going to want more than I can offer. I climb inside Haze’s car, and he starts the engine. Just before we drive off, he rolls the window down to say something to Caleb.
“Thanks for the coat though.”
We disappear down the street in a roar. I look at him in disbelief. Savage much?
“He tried to force himself on my girlfriend. Trust me, he deserved worse.” He intertwines our fingers.
My mind lags behind on the word girlfriend.
He’s back.
We’re back
I have no idea where we’re going. But I know we’re going somewhere better. We’re on the right track. I gave him a choice. Tell me or let me go. And, for once…
He’s chosen right.
“Where are we going?” I ask, looking out onto the empty and silent streets. The snow decided to disappear as soon as we stopped standing in the storm, and I’m not even surprised. That’s just the universe mocking me. The usual. Getting into Haze’s car felt like the right thing to do at the time but now? I’m very aware of my father needing my presence. I called Jay to make sure he could handle my dad for the night, and thankfully, he was awake. Okay, I woke him. He groaned and hung up, but I know that was his way of saying, “Yes, Winter, of course I’ll take care of Dad.”
“We’re going to the only place I can get you alone. Vic’s.” Haze takes a turn. It feels unreal. That we’re actually good right now—and by good, I mean that we might stand a chance if he sits his pretty ass down and explains everything from beginning to end.
“Maybe we should go back. My dad needs help and—”
“I promise we’ll be there to take care of him first thing in the morning, but I want you to myself for one night. Just one. Is that a crime, Officer?” he teases.
I find myself fighting the butterflies in my stomach. I know I should be requesting an explanation. I should’ve done so when I got into the passenger seat, but I haven’t been this happy in a while. We come to a red light, and Haze turns his head to look at me. That’s all he does: stare. Of course, with his oh so famous panty-dropping grin and a lock of hair dangling in front of his eyes.
I don’t know if it’s the intensity of his gaze or the fact that I’m just overall an idiot, but I can’t help word vomiting. “Well, technically, we have around six hours before we have to be back, and so we won’t get a long enough night of sleep because we’ve been on the road for thirty minutes to get to Vic’s place and…”
I shut myself up when his smile grows wider.
I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. “What? Is there something on my face?”
He shrugs. “No. Is there something on mine?”
“No?”
“Because there should be.” His stare drops to my lips.
I frown. “What should be on your face?”
“You.”
Oh my God.
Did he just…
I burst out laughing, and he joins, proud of himself.
That’s why. Why I’m a fool for him.
Somewhere along the way, I heard him laugh at his own joke and I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life laughing with him.
“You can’t just drop a line like this on me like nothing happened. We still have so much to discuss. I—”
“And we will. I promise.” His voice is soothing, reassuring. Thinking of what happened last night reminds me of how much pain he put me through recently. I can’t let these events slide. I need an explanation before we can even start thinking about making this work. We step into Vic’s silent apartment and slip out of our coats. Haze was right. Vic’s car isn’t out front. We’re alone.
“Haze, we can’t go on like this,” I say once our eyes lock.
He steps closer.
“Hold that thought.”
“Wha—”
He swirls me up and throws me over his shoulder like I’m weightless. Here I was, full of good intentions about having a mature, serious conversation, yet here I am, laughing my head off as he kicks open the door to the guest bedroom.
“What are you doing?” I wiggle around.
“What do you mean? That sounded like the beginning of you leaving. I’m not taking any chances.”
I laugh even harder. Next thing I know, I’m lying on the uncomfortable pull-out bed in Vic’s guest room with Haze atop me. He presses his lips to mine, and I kiss him back without blinking. This guy has got many types of kisses. The “regular” kisses and the “I’m going to strip you down in a few minutes” kisses. I know he’s not kissing just to kiss. This isn’t happening. As much as I want it to, there’s so much left to resolve…
When he lowers his head to my stomach and scatters kisses all over my skin, I know my goodwill might not be enough.
Winter, what are you doing? Stop!
He needs to explain.
He needs to explai…
He needs to expla…
He needs to ex…
And we’re naked.
We haven’t moved a muscle for at least twenty minutes. Tracing circles on Haze’s bare torso, I concentrate on his heartbeat. This has to be hands down my favorite sound on the planet. Except for when Mr. Rory, my high school math teacher, told me I’d passed. I swear, I cried.
Haze’s smile quirks when my stomach grumbles. “Are you hungry?”
“I’m good.” I am starving, but it would require moving, which is something I strictly refuse to do right now.
He nods. My stomach grumbles again a few minutes later, and Haze sneaks out of bed without a word. I groan, rolling over. “What are you doing?”
“I’m making sandwiches. You’re definitely hungry.”
The thought of him making me a sandwich butt naked is enough motivation to pull me out of bed. After I’ve thrown one of his oversized T-shirts on, that is. I may be comfortable with him, but I’m not walking around naked comfortable. I make sure to grab him a pair of sweatpants at the same time. He might be making sandwiches now, but we might end up discussing more serious topics, and I doubt I’ll be able to listen with his junk out.
I sit around the table and stare at him. I don’t know what I’m drooling over the most: his ass or the sandwich. Let’s call it a tie. Unfortunately, he takes the hint when he sees I brought him clothes and puts his sweatpants on, sliding a plate over to me and sitting down. I glance at the clock on the wall. It’s past 2:00 a.m.
“We should talk,” I begin once we’ve eaten.
“I know…” He looks down. “I don’t even know where to begin.”
I grab his hand, and it seems to boost him with the needed strength to carry on.
“I told you it all started that day at the airport. Remember the call I got?”
I nod.
“The man who called to tell me about Marcus wasn’t just some guy I knew back home. He tipped me off from beginning to end. He was part of… something bigger than I could’ve ever imagined. They call it the organization. They worked with Tanner in the past, which is why they helped me. They owed him. They’ve been giving me tips to help me find Des’s killer since day one. They just had one rule: no one could ever know about them.” He squeezes my hand. “It doesn’t excuse that I lied to you, I know that. Nothing does. But maybe it can help you understand why I did what I did. When Caleb told you the truth on your birthday, it set them off. They wanted to make me pay for risking to expose them. They knew the only way to truly hurt me would be to hurt the person I love most… You.”
Argh. Stop, heart.
He pauses, dragging a long and deep sigh. Why do I feel like it’s about to get worse?
“What happened to your father wasn’t random.”
Panic takes ahold of me.
“They targeted you and your family specifically to make me their puppet. The only way they wouldn’t harm any of you was if I worked for them and we weren’t together anymore. That’s why I had to pretend to cheat.”
He scoots his chair closer to mine and motions to get on his lap. I don’t move, tense as a rock. He has to tug on my hand for me to oblige. Once I’m seated, he wraps his arm around my waist.
None of it is registering.
Haze is the reason my father almost died?
“They told me to stay away from you, and as you can tell from what happened last night…” He chews on his lip. “I failed.”
By the time he finishes his story, I’m barely holding it together. That’s why he did all this. He had no choice but to leave me. I want to burst into tears because what happened to my father has something to do with Haze, and I hate that this link even exists. I don’t want to see my father suffer and think of my boyfriend.
“I’m so, so sorry. My hands were tied. I thought I was keeping you safe. Then it just… spiraled out of control.”
I bury my face in his neck and inhale his scent.
God, we’re so broken.
We’re a goddamn tragedy .
“I just want you to know, I was coming back home to you that night.” I know exactly what he’s referring to. The day where I waited for him for hours. “They called and threatened to hurt you, and I lost it. I was an idiot for thinking I could keep you in the dark.”
The obvious question catches up to me. “Wait? How did you get out of it? You’re here now and you just told me everything so… is it over?”
“Yeah. It’s over.” He runs a hand through my hair and leans in to kiss my cheek. “They gave me a job tonight. I had to do this one huge thing for them to let me out of this shit deal. I had to do this so that I could be with you again.”
“How bad was it?” I wince.
He draws a sigh, “Listen, all you need to know is that it was bad. Really bad.”
“What happened?”
“Nothing. I was about to do it. But Tanner called.”
My mouth drops. “Tanner? As in your brother?”
Way to go, Captain Obvious.
“I know, I couldn’t believe it either. He told me he was sorry for everything. That he’d handled it. He said that I could go home to you.”
I’m surprised. “No strings attached?”
“None. He said he promised them something. Something big, I just don’t know what. A shit ton of money is my guess,” he says softly. “Do you hate me?”
His eyes are red, crippled by guilt.
“For what happened to your dad?”
I know I have to think of it from his perspective. They were basically holding him at gunpoint. Come to think of it, I’m actually relieved he did all this because he had to. Not because he wanted to. But I can’t help thinking that his hunt for his sister’s killer is the reason for all of this.
The source of all our problems.
If he hadn’t been looking for Marcus, he wouldn’t have lied, he wouldn’t have had to pretend to cheat, and my father would’ve never been in a coma. I’ll have to ask him the dreadful question soon.
Are you going to keep looking for him ?
I’ve tried to accept it. I did everything I could to support his need for revenge because he lost his baby sister. He had to watch her die, when he was nothing but a kid himself. But I want him to stop looking. I can’t live like this, wondering if he’s going to make it home or who’s going to get caught in the crossfire next. Not after I almost lost my only parent. He escaped this time, because he got lucky, but his brother won’t always be there to save his ass. We don’t speak for a few minutes, lost in each other’s arms. It’s inevitable. I need to know what his plans are. But not now. Right now, we’re happy. I just want one night.
One night before I ask him.