9. Caitlin
CHAPTER NINE
caitlin
SEVEN YEARS AGO
Come on. Please, just let me have this one thing.
I squeezed my eyes shut, not daring to watch the progress indicator on the digital pregnancy test for fear of disappointment. I knew I’d have to look eventually, but I was scared. Although, I wasn’t sure if I was more afraid of another negative test or a positive one.
Adam and I had been married for two years already, and while our first year of marriage was great—the honeymoon phase or whatever—the past year had been full of pressure to start a family.
His mother, bless her heart, was a bit overbearing and informed me often of how much she wanted to have grandbabies, even though Adam wasn’t an only child and his siblings already had kids.
I’d tried to talk to his mother about it early on, but I quickly learned my lesson that confiding in her about our pregnancy struggles would only make me feel worse about myself.
“We’ve been trying for a few months, but every test has been negative.” I sighed.
“Well, maybe if you just try harder it’ll happen.” Krista scoffed. “It’s too bad you’re not more like Sarah. She got pregnant almost immediately after her and Justin got married.”
I tugged my bottom lip between my teeth, pulling on the chapped skin until the taste of blood filled my mouth. “Yeah, I guess we’re just not trying hard enough.”
It was useless to argue with Krista. All I could do was concede and agree with her, even though every backhanded comment made me less and less confident.
Maybe I wasn’t good enough. The idea had been drilled in my head plenty of times over the course of our relationship.
I was just the girl from a ranch in the middle of nowhere Montana.
All of his previous girlfriends had been blonde and came from wealthy families.
When that was my competition, it was hard not to compare myself to them and wonder how in the world he ended up with me.
At least five minutes had passed since I’d taken the pregnancy test, so I couldn’t wait any longer. Forcing my eyes open, I took a deep breath and lifted the test from the counter.
Negative. Again.
Emotion flooded over me, and tears prickled at the corners of my eyes.
I just wasn’t sure if they were tears of sadness or relief.
It was negative again.
Adam
Damn. Mom’s going to be so disappointed.
Can you take those financial documents on the counter to my mom’s house today or tomorrow? I have to pack up to go out of town again and I won’t have time.
Not even an, I’m sorry, how are you feeling? or an Are you okay?
I swallowed the disappointment before it had the chance to rise in my throat. I’d just have to try harder next time. Track my cycle better.
Yeah, I can do that.
Adam
Thanks, Caity.
After cleaning up in the bathroom, I walked to our bedroom and flopped down on the bed.
Staring at the ceiling did nothing to dispel the negative thoughts swirling around in my head, so I started to dial a familiar number.
One that wasn’t in my contacts anymore, but had popped up on my phone hundreds of times my final year of college.
I had a big exam coming up, but Adam and I had gotten in a fight, so I was currently huddled on the floor in the bathroom of our apartment.
The front door slammed, and I hugged my body tighter.
When silence fell over the apartment, I pulled out my phone, going to the app that showed all my friends’ locations.
Adam’s location was notably missing.
With a sniffle, I navigated to my text messages.
Hey
Jake
Hey, what’s up?
Stressed about finals.
Jake
Need a late night pick me up?
I laughed at the message, wiping my nose with my sleeve.
I just need this semester to be over. Then I can relax.
Jake
Well, maybe a late night sweet treat will help you with the stress anyway.
He sent a screenshot of a delivery order for the best cookie shop in town. It was my go-to after the bars when I was craving something sweet.
Thanks, Jake.
Before my finger could hit the call button, I deleted the number.
Stupid. What the hell are you doing, Cait?
Not allowing impulse to take over, I called my mom instead.
“Hi, Caitlin!” she answered the phone cheerily.
“Hey, Mom.” I had to bite my lip to prevent a tremble in my voice, tears already streaming down my face.
My mother, being ever so observant, immediately picked up on my mood. “Oh, Cait, what’s wrong?”
I huffed out a breath. “Just another negative test.”
A long pause stretched between phone lines.
“Oh, sweetheart, I’m sorry. Are you doing okay?”
My shoulders shrugged, even though I knew she couldn’t see me. “I’m fine…I guess.” She waited for me to continue, and I shook my head. “No, I’m not, but…”
“But what, sweetheart?”
“I don’t know. Maybe I’m just not meant to be a mom.”
“When the timing is right, it’ll happen.”
Sadness filled every crevice of my body, and my posture slumped. “What if the timing is never right? What if…”
What if I don’t actually want this, but I feel like it’s what I need to do to fulfill some unspoken duty as a wife?
“What if we do have a kid and I’m not good at it?”
Mom clicked her tongue on the other line. “You will be. Do you know why I know that? Because you’re an amazing sister and daughter. You’re a wonderful wife, and one day you’re going to be a wonderful mother.”
As encouraging as her words were, all my brain seemed to understand was, “You will because you have to be.”
“I’m so sorry to leave so soon, but I’ve been waiting for Colter to call me about something. Will you be okay? Can I give you a call back when I’m done?”
I have to be, I thought.
“Yeah, I’ll be fine. And, no, that’s okay. You don’t have to do that.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, Mom. I mean it.”
“Okay. I love you, Cait. Stay strong.” With that, the phone call ended before I could utter a goodbye.