10. Jake
CHAPTER TEN
jake
PRESENT DAY
July passed in a blink, and before I knew it, it had been almost a month since Cait had moved into the guest house.
For being neighbors in such close proximity, I hadn’t seen her much since the birthday party other than brief hellos, no more than passing ships in the night.
I was busy with rodeo, and she was busy with Whitley, but we also weren’t…
anything. I was her landlord, and she was my tenant, who also happened to be the older sister of one of my best friends and the woman I’d hidden my feelings for over the past decade. No big deal.
I shook my head, the absurdity of the situation sinking in.
If my goal was to torture myself with the knowledge that the woman I’d had crippling feelings for but could truly never have slept within a few hundred feet of me, then I’d done a damn good job of it.
The justice system ought to take note should they ever need new ideas for capital punishment.
Technically, there was nothing stopping me from acting on my feelings. Nothing besides my own brain getting in the way.
My heart told me to go after what I wanted and make up for all the years I stood on the sidelines, but a more rational part of myself told me to give it time.
Let her come to me, or at least allow her to meet me halfway.
The last thing she needed was to jump into another relationship, and I wasn’t sure she’d even want to be in a relationship with me.
Maybe Adam had been so horrible that she planned to swear off men for the foreseeable future.
I just didn’t know, and that was why logic always won out.
Outside, the sun cast a golden glow on the landscape and clusters of pollen floated through the air. A happy giggle pierced through the silence, and I stepped closer to the window to see what was going on.
Caitlin and Whitley were on the lawn, playing with a bubble wand.
After Caitlin twirled it in the air, letting the wind blow bubbles, Whitley ran around and attempted to pop them all, squealing in delight each time she caught one.
A giant smile spread across Caitlin’s face, the pair of them exuding pure joy.
Whitley tripped on the grass, taking a small tumble, but she didn’t cry. Instead she started giggling, and once Caitlin realized she wasn’t hurt, she joined in.
Pursing my lips, I searched for any reason to go outside and join them. I eventually found a pitcher of iced tea in the fridge that was only a couple days old. Deciding that it was good enough, I grabbed some small glasses and made my way outside.
“You girls thirsty?” I asked, holding up the pitcher.
“Yes, please,” Caitlin replied, throwing me a grateful smile.
“What is it?” Whitley asked, tilting her head to the side.
“Iced tea.”
“Icky!” Whitley screeched, standing up and running away to the bushes that lined the property.
“Guess that’s a no, then.” I chuckled before pouring Caitlin a glass.
“Do you want to move to the porch? It might be more comfortable than sitting on the grass,” she offered as she stood, wiping her hands on her pants.
“Yeah, that sounds good. It looks like Whit’s gone off to do her own thing.” I glanced toward the bushes where Whitley was playing in the dirt.
A high-pitched giggle affirmed my observation. “Ladybug!”
The two of us broke into laughter as we cozied into the chairs on the front porch.
“She’s got so much energy.” Caitlin sucked in a breath. “I really think it’s the air out here. It’s different than it was back in Washington.”
“There’s something about the wide open skies,” I agreed.
“Really, though. It makes you feel free. That’s all I could ever want for Whit.”
“Mommy, look at what I found!” Whitley raced up to us with her hands cupped together, practically thrusting them into our faces.
“Eeek!” Caitlin screamed. “Please get that out of my face!”
When I realized what she had, a laugh burst out of me. Plucking the tiny garter out of Whitley’s hand, I held it up. “It’s just a little snake, Cait.”
“I hate snakes,” she hissed, shrinking away from me.
The snake wriggled in my fingers, and its tongue darted out.
“Aw, but it’s so cute.” I lifted it so the head was in front of my face.
“Jake, I swear to God.”
“Okay, Whit, you should probably put it back.” With a sigh, I set the snake back in Whitley’s palms, and she ran away again.
After a little while longer, we moved from the front porch to the kitchen as the sun hid behind the clouds, our pitcher of iced tea getting low.
Whitley immediately retreated to her room to play with her toys, so we leaned against the kitchen counters, shoulder to shoulder.
“Do you ever think your life will go a certain way and then it doesn’t?”
“What do you mean?” I asked, turning my head toward her.
“Like, you know, when you’re a kid you have all these big dreams and things you hope you’ll do one day, and then one day comes and you haven’t actually done those things.”
“Sure.” I nodded. “I mean, when I was younger, I wanted to be an astronaut, and clearly that didn’t happen.”
Despite her laugh at my attempt to lighten the mood, the light had dropped from Caitlin’s eyes, her face settling into an unreadable mask.
“Where’d you disappear to just now?” I asked as I moved to stand in front of her and tuck a strand of hair that had fallen in her face behind her ear.
Caitlin shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“Talk to me. Maybe I can help.”
A heavy sigh fell from her lips. “It’s just that we’ve been back in Silver Creek for a whole month now.
You’d think I wouldn’t feel so much…” Her voice trailed off before her gaze flicked up to mine.
“Guilt, I guess. I think Whitley is happy here, but what if she’s not?
What if I’m not giving her the life she deserves? ”
“You’re doing amazing, Cait. That little girl is so loved, and I can say with confidence that she’s happy.” I rested my hands on her shoulders. “I think the more important question is, are you happy?”
Worrying her lip between her teeth, she dipped her head, and her eyes fell to the floor as she hesitated for a moment too long. “I guess.”
“Hmm…” I tapped my lips. “What’s keeping you from being happy?”
Her body tensed, then her posture slumped as though she was crumbling under some invisible pressure.
“I just don’t feel like I’m doing enough.
All of this”—she gestured to the world around us—“is just a lot, I guess. I feel like I should be doing so much more. Maybe if I was just better, I wouldn’t be in this situation to begin with. ”
“I see.” I nodded, despite the frustration that gnawed at me after hearing Caitlin say those things about herself.
I knew there was about a nine-year gap of time I was missing, but my gut said that Caitlin had always been enough. She’d always been more than enough, and maybe her ex shouldn’t have been such a piece of shit who made her feel this way.
Then an idea hit me. “Hang on. Don’t move.” I held up my pointer finger as I rushed toward the front door.
“Wait, where are you going?” she called after me, but I was a man on a mission.
I was pretty sure I made it across the lawn in record time, skidding past the front door to the kitchen to find a pen and a scrap piece of paper. My eyes scanned the countertops, landing on a spiral-bound notebook.
That’ll do.
I tore out a piece of paper and grabbed a pen then ran back to Caitlin’s place with my materials in hand.
“Are you going to explain what the hell you’re doing?” She crossed her arms over her chest as I caught my breath.
“You’ve been feeling like you’re not good enough, so I think you need to find yourself again. A sort of reinvention, you know? And I’m going to help you.”
One of her eyebrows lifted, but she nodded for me to continue.
“I’m going to make you a bucket list.”
She snorted out a laugh. “A bucket list? What are we, twelve?”
“I mean, we can call it your fuck it list if that sounds better to you,” I suggested before backpedaling when she cringed.
“It’s not literal. It’s like, ‘fuck it, I’m going to do what I want.
’ You don’t even have to tell me or show me when you cross items off the list. This is all for you, and a reminder of the things you can do. ”
Because I think you’re really fucking incredible, and I want you to see that, too.
“All right, continue.” She waved me on.
“Scootch.” I bumped her hip with mine so I could sidle up next to her by the kitchen island.
“First on the list: Decorate the house exactly how you want. I know this isn’t permanent, but you shouldn’t have to feel like a guest in your own house.
As long as you’re here, the place is yours, and you have permission to do whatever you want.
I’ll give you my credit card so you can get some supplies.
And before you tell me I don’t have to pay for it, I want to.
You’ll be doing me a favor by decorating it more.
” I had a feeling that when she was married to Adam, everything was on his terms. I was sure that extended to the house they lived in, too.
She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth. “So, I could paint the living room black if I wanted to?”
I laughed. “I mean, sure, if you want to deal with the heat that’ll come with it. Make it yours, Cait. You deserve to have a house that feels like home.”
Neither of us said a word, a silent pause hanging between us.
I cleared my throat, adding another bullet point. “Next, let’s put, do something that scares you.”
With every bullet point, Caitlin nodded, offering a hum of approval or a nose scrunch for something she was unsure about.
Before long, we had a bucket list.
Caitlin’s Fuck It List
1. Decorate the house exactly how you want to.
2. Do something that scares you.
3. Have a “yes” day entirely for yourself. Don’t think about anyone else’s needs for the day.
4. Take a solo trip.
5. Get a tattoo.
6. Make a change in appearance you’ve always wanted.
7. Do something spontaneous.
8. Say “no” to something you don’t want to do.
9. Do something reckless.
10.Try new hobbies until you find one you like.
I tapped my lips, eyes perusing over the list.
“It’s missing something,” I muttered before scribbling one last item.
“Buy a vibrator?” Caitlin screeched when she looked over my shoulder. “W-why do you want me to do that?”
I shrugged, my lips curving up in mischief. “You said yours was broken. Besides, I never said you had to use it with me.”
If Caitlin wasn’t blushing before, she was now. Her entire face was red as a tomato, and she was sputtering out nonsense like her brain had short-circuited and she was able to find words to say.
“I—” Her sentence was cut off by my phone ringing. “You should answer that.” She pointed to the phone.
The caller ID wasn’t a number I was familiar with. “It’s all right. I wasn’t expecting a call.”
“It might be important.”
I lifted one shoulder then let it drop. “If it is, they can leave a voicemail.”
The two of us faced each other in a standoff, neither saying a word, a battle of stubborn wills.
“So, this bucket list. What happens when I complete it? Do I get anything?” Her voice had a light, joking tone to it, but I still wracked my brain for an answer.
Truthfully, I hadn’t thought that far. Hypothetically, once she finished the items on the list, she’d be over Adam and would feel more like herself again. The bucket list truly was for her, but I couldn’t lie and say I didn’t have my own selfish motives in this as well.
Part of me hoped that maybe when the bucket list was complete, she’d see me.
“I’m sure we can think of something.” I winked instead.