The Kiss
K aid did not return, and unlike his last absence, his fear of losing me wasn’t to blame. I sensed it in my bones. Something was wrong, and as each night passed without him appearing in my window, my dread grew until cold sweat coated my skin and uneasiness greased my stomach.
* * *
The mattress dipped, yanking me from sleep, and I rolled away from the intruder so fast, I almost fell off the bed.
Relief flooded my body when I realized who lay next to me, but it was short-lived when I saw his face.
Perspiration beaded on his brow, smearing the ashes framing his exhausted eyes.
Tension gripped my muscles at his expression, for he’d never touched my bed before.
My emotions wanted to revel in this broken barrier, but his rigidity screamed alarm, stealing the joy I felt at waking to find his head on the pillow beside mine.
His massive frame consumed the mattress.
His anxiety consumed me, silencing my greeting, and all I could do was stare at his profile.
“Did something happen?” His dangerously low voice finally broke the silence, but he refused to meet my gaze.
“What do you mean?” I whispered, my concern making it difficult to speak.
“The temple’s security changed, and I couldn’t sneak in. I tried for two weeks before I found a crack in their defenses, and my success was only because of Varas’ blessing.”
“I don’t—”
“Do they know? Do they suspect anything?” He cut me off.
“I don’t think so.” I longed to wipe the unease from his creased forehead. “All is as it should be, and Varas hides your movements from Hreinasta, doesn’t he?”
“Yes.” He gestured to his stained skin. “But, Sellah, I don’t like this. There’s been a shift in the temple’s atmosphere, and I don’t know how often I’ll be able to slip unseen through the seams. I would never forgive myself if my actions endangered you.”
“They don’t know about you, I swear. Everything is—” My voice died in my throat, strangled by dread.
“What?” He twisted to look me in the eye.
“The claiming.” The words turned to bile on my tongue. “I turn twenty-one this Season of the Harvest.”
Kaid’s body went rigid. “The Harvest is…” He didn’t need to say it. We both knew how rapidly it was approaching.
“As Hreinasta’s soul departs one vessel to enter another, her spirit becomes vulnerable. The transfer takes seconds, but those moments leave her bare and unprotected. The temple is preparing for my claiming.”
Kaid’s breathing faltered, and he turned his stressed gaze back to the ceiling, his hulking frame suddenly small beside me.
His despair was palpable, and I could no longer resist his gravity.
My fingers reached out of their own accord and trailed over his cheek until they found the scar on his lips.
My breath caught at the sensation of the rough imperfection mixing with the softness, and it was both everything I imagined and nothing like I expected.
“Don’t.” Kaid gripped my wrist and pulled my hand from his face, his graveled voice thick and harsh.
“I’m sorry.” My chest deflated at his rejection. “You told me once I could touch it, but I should have asked first.” I tried to pull away, but his grip refused to yield. His fist chained my arm against his chest, his heart beating violently below my palm.
“Not there.” He said, as if the words pained him. “Anywhere but there.”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, embarrassed I’d brought his scar shame. “I wasn’t thinking.”
“It’s not that…” He struggled to enunciate clearly, his tone rougher than I’d ever heard, and for a moment, neither of us spoke. Neither of us moved as he restrained my fist tightly against his thundering heart.
“You don’t understand how badly I want to taste you,” he confessed, his face twisted as if he wasn’t speaking but ripping out his heart.
“You don’t understand how desperately I crave your lips on mine, your body pressed against me.
My control teeters dangerously on the precipice, and the only way I can stop it from plunging over that edge is by keeping my distance.
I refuse to take something from you that I can’t return, and while I believe your vows were forced upon you, I won’t be the one to break them.
You’re pure with me. Safe with me. Protected with me, but please, don’t push.
I won’t be able to resist if you push.” He turned toward the opposite wall as if even seeing me from the corner of his eye was a temptation.
“Not there. Not my lips.” His chest heaved as if I’d punched him.
“Anywhere but there or I’ll break. I can’t break, but I’m afraid because I’m so close to surrendering. ”
“Kaid?”
His fist tightened around my wrist as he struggled. “Please don’t. I can’t love you. Not like this. Not when I’ll lose you.” He shoved my hand off his body, the absence of his touch more painful than his grip, and losing his warmth convinced me to change everything.
“Kaid.” I slipped my palm against his cheek and pulled his face back to me.
“Sellah, stop.” He was begging, shaking.
“I love you,” I said with conviction. Raw and strong and unbreakable.
“Loving you isn’t a sin, nor will it make me unworthy.
Loving you is the only choice I’ve ever made for myself, so when I say this, understand it’s with my whole heart.
I choose you, and I cannot go into my future without knowing what loving you tastes like.
You’ve filled my heart so completely, there’s no room for anything else. ”
“Sellah…”
“I love you.” I smiled softly, the moonlight dancing on our skin as we lay so close, yet too far apart.
My heart threatened to beat out of my chest, but my nerves were nothing compared to my longing.
For the first time in twenty cycles, I dictated the path I would travel, and life had never been so beautiful.
“Did you hear me?” I whispered when he lay frozen against my touch. “I love you, Kaid.”
Kaid lunged for me like a warrior on the battlefield, and his hand gripped the back of my neck with inescapable force.
For a moment, he surrendered his control to his desire, but then his better judgment took charge.
His movements slowed as he pulled me gently against him, and when our chests collided, the breath rushed from my lungs.
“Is this too much?” He asked, cupping my face in his powerful hands.
His heart beat against my breast, and the headiness of that moment threatened to drown me.
It was both too much and not enough, and I experimentally gripped the front of his shirt, feeling the muscles that hid intoxicatingly below the fabric.
“Yes,” I confessed, but when he started to retreat, I leaned in closer, refusing his escape. “Do you love me?”
“You are my goddess.” His low admission rumbled through his ribs, vibrating against my skin. “You are what I pray to, what I worship, what I adore.”
“Then show me,” I challenged, and it was all the permission my thief needed.
He closed the divide between us, and his lips were on mine like a man starving, the kiss soft and holy.
An unexpected heat curled in my chest, and I gasped, the need in my voice surprising me.
Kaid deepened the kiss at the sound, his heart rate thundering dangerously.
His touch was reverent, respectful, loving, but I sensed the war waging in his chest. His longing fought to escape, but he didn’t act on his desire, and my love swelled with the knowledge.
He promised me I was safe in his presence, and his kiss sealed that oath.
He did not push. He did not steal. He did not disrespect.
Kaid worshiped me with the innocence of that embrace, and it was the purest form of ecstasy I’d ever experienced.
Tears pricked my eyes at the beauty, and I released his shirt to capture him in a hug.
“I’m sorry.” Kaid jerked back as my tears splashed onto his cheek, assuming I’d let go of him to escape and not pull closer. “I didn’t mean—”
“Don’t stop.” My fingers tangled in his black hair, weaving through the soft locks, and I sighed with pleasure. How often had I stared at him, longing to brush the hair from his eyes? The desire filled my dreams, but my imagination paled compared to the reality. “Never stop.”
He granted my wish, tasting me in ways I never dreamed a man could kiss a woman.
My chest heaved against his, our breathing becoming one until I didn’t know where I ended and he began.
His hand left my face to hug me close. My fingers tightened in his hair, and I knew that was where I belonged. He was my world, and I was his home.
“This is the moment I’ll take with me to my grave,” Kaid spoke against my lips before pulling back.
I instantly missed him, but I understood his retreat.
Our kiss was magic. It promised I was at home in his arms, but even its innocence was too much for me.
My cheeks were flushed, my heartbeat erratic.
I couldn’t handle the emotions flooding my spirit, and he sensed my need to process.
Most would have been disappointed by such a chaste kiss, but my world exploded the moment our lips touched.
My body burned with a fire I didn’t understand, and I wanted more.
I wanted everything with Kaid, but the tears wouldn’t stop.
The dam inside my soul had broken, and I understood for the first time how beautiful love was.
I’d lived so long without it, its sudden presence left me weak.
“Don’t cry.” He brushed the dampness from my cheeks. “You did nothing wrong.”
“That’s not why I’m crying.” I curled against his side, and he instinctively wrapped an arm around me as if we’d always existed like that.
“My mother rarely hugged me before she surrendered me to Hreinasta.” Kaid stiffened uncomfortably at my revelation, and I pulled him close, unsure if it was for his comfort or mine.
“Once I was accepted as an acolyte, she stopped touching me altogether. I haven’t received affection in so long that I forgot what it feels like.
There’s no love in this temple. No warmth or fondness.
Not for me at least, so I’m not crying because of guilt.
I’m crying because I finally know what it means to be important to someone for more than just my appearance. ”
I expected Kaid to respond, but when only his silence answered me, I shifted so I could see his face.
He stared at the ceiling, refusing to meet my gaze.
I opened my mouth to ask what was wrong, but I paused when I saw them.
Tears. His eyes brimmed with them, and they smeared his already blurred ashes.
I watched him cry in silence, the power of that moment burrowing deep inside me to never leave.
Kaid was the first person to shed tears on my behalf, and I gave him the space to suffer through the weight of my confession.
I watched every tear land on my pillow, his sadness more precious than the smiles of the faithful worshipers who passed me daily, and when I could no longer bear his pain, I pressed my lips to his damp cheeks.
They tasted of salt and sorrow, and as much as I wanted to erase his anguish, his grief proved how deeply he cared.
It was humbling, and when he finally captured me in his arms and pulled me against his thundering heart, he kissed my head with heartbreaking tenderness.
“I love you, Sellah,” he whispered into my hair. “You own me. All of me. Forever.”