Chapter 31 #2
What was she supposed to say? That she had an offer to move to London but she was too afraid to go back to her job? That the career she’d spent almost a decade building, now destroyed her? That, fine, she would stay in Belbarrow, settle on the farm, despite once being so eager to leave?
She could. She’d thought about it. It felt like admitting failure, or at the very least, weakness. The only thing that made her special would be gone, and who would she be without it?
Would he even want her if she wasn’t that fierce, driven, unflappable chef she’d spent a decade perfecting the facade of? He hadn’t been interested back when she’d just been gawky Little Rae.
‘Then maybe we should have this conversation again when you have. You’re right.
No use upsetting Martha if we’re not built to last.’ His tone was flat, indecipherable – and there was that feeling of something slipping out of her grasp again.
Only, now, it felt like her entire world was caving in, not just a fraction of it.
She wasn’t only losing her career. She was losing him, all his silly jokes and unnoticed strength, his ridiculously tender heart.
He’d spent all day and night saving a family, yet he’d still come here to support his friends – to support her.
He deserved so much more than she could offer, especially in her current state. He knew who he was, while her own identity was disintegrating through trembling fingers.
‘It feels like the right time to tell you that I was asked to fill in for another instructor for a training course in Glasgow. It’s two weeks and it starts on Tuesday.’
Just a day before her dad’s surgery. The thought of him not being here while she tried to manage the stress alongside the preparations for the Strawberry Fair forced some of that panic back up her throat, and she wobbled, afraid another attack was coming.
She gripped him tighter, trying to push it down. She was being selfish. He had every right to go, and more than that, deserved to enjoy the opportunity.
‘I was going to turn it down,’ he continued.
‘It was so short notice, and I wanted to be here for the fair and your dad’s surgery.
But then Martha started talking about the lass she wants to set me up with, and you’ve been keeping your distance, so I thought maybe the space would do us both good.
Especially while you figure out what you want. ’
What you want. Like the answer was so simple. Like all she had to do was say, ‘You, I want you,’ and everything would fix itself. They weren’t in a fairy tale, even if the marquee resembled one.
‘The lass can’t be that bad, can she? Martha has good taste, and apparently, she’s very keen.’ Rae tried to keep her tone light. ‘In fact, it sounds like she’d be perfect for you.’
He shrugged. ‘I’m sure she’s lovely. I just don’t feel like pretending to be interested for Martha’s sake. Especially when the only person perfect for me is you.’
The floor trembled beneath her feet.
The corner of his mouth quirked. ‘Come on, sweetheart. It can’t be that much of a surprise.’
It was, actually. When they were alone, they were vocal, honest, about what they wanted, but reality always flooded back. There were two versions of them, and they’d known where they stood in both cases.
Now everything was bleeding together. She couldn’t keep her feelings contained to cupboards and waterfalls.
She couldn’t ignore how much she wanted him in every part of her life.
She couldn’t pretend she wasn’t falling in love with him.
As they turned, she saw Martha watching again and Rae took an instinctive step back. His arms fell to his sides, chest rising like he was steeling himself for a rejection. She wished she could tell him that a rejection was the very last thing she wanted to give him.
But he was right. She needed to figure out her next steps, and life would be far too hectic over the coming weeks to give him the clear answer he deserved. She still planned to talk to Martha. Maybe it would be easier without him here to turn her mind into mush.
‘I think taking space is a good plan. You should do the course.’ Resignation sliced through her.
This could be the end of them, and she wasn’t sure she was ready for it, but she cared about him too much to be selfish.
‘I don’t expect you to put your life on hold for me, but I can’t give you an answer yet. I’m sorry.’
He nodded, smoothing a thumb over the tattoo of Japan on her forearm. ‘You’ve got a lot on your plate. I won’t add to that. But until you tell me you don’t want me, I’ll be here, Rae. I’ll wait. As long as it takes.’
Her chin quivered. Curse him for always saying the right thing. ‘I don’t think I can talk any more tonight. It’s too much.’
‘Rae—’
‘You’re welcome to stay tonight,’ she interrupted, determined to leave with her composure still intact.
The thought of tomorrow, visiting Martha’s mum, was another weight on her shoulders, and no doubt his.
He wouldn’t even get a decent night’s sleep before the four-hour drive. ‘Martha will set you up on the couch.’
‘Okay,’ he agreed. ‘But it’s okay that I won’t be here, aye? I don’t want you to feel like I’m leaving you—’
‘It’s a good opportunity, Struan. Go to Glasgow. Put yourself first.’ She turned away before he could argue, eager to escape his intensity – and Martha’s keen surveillance.
After bidding a composed goodbye to the guests and wishing Harper and Fraser a happy honeymoon, Rae left the tent, glad the end of this arduous day was finally in sight.
For once, she didn’t have it in her to plan what came next, and trying would be futile.
Struan Macgibbon was the one thing she could never prepare for, and Rae knew she couldn’t survive in the unknown. Maybe that, more than anything, would be the thing that broke them.