Chapter 32
Sleeping on the couch didn’t help Struan recover from his long weekend, but then, the old cushions weren’t any more uncomfortable than his own springy mattress.
He was woken up by a yowling Roderick leaping on his face at five a.m., and then again at seven by Audrey for the same reason.
Apparently, she hadn’t seen him before attempting to sit on the couch.
By ten, he and Doug had almost cleaned up everything from the previous night’s festivities.
While he waited for the girls to finish getting ready, he perched on the damp steps of the porch, trying to wake himself up with a mug of black coffee.
He wasn’t eager for the four-hour drive to Aberdeen, but it was too late to change the plans now.
Worse was the idea of being crammed in the small space with Rae and his sister, acting like there was nothing between them, like they hadn’t tried and failed to plan a future together last night.
Rather, he’d tried. He was beginning to wonder if he was the only one fighting for this to work. She’d offered him nothing at all, not even a hint as to what she hoped might happen with them.
Heavy boots thudded beside him, breaking through his cycle of insecurities. Doug’s knees clicked as he sat down beside Struan, a striped coffee mug in his own hand. ‘Disaster’s struck in there. Martha can’t find her sunglasses.’
‘Of course.’ Struan smiled into his coffee. He’d gotten used to his sister’s poor timekeeping a long time ago, and had expected that a ten a.m. set off translated to ten-forty-five in Martha Standard Time.
‘I wanted to thank you for all your help with this.’ Doug nodded towards the fields, where the fairy lights and floral arrangements hadn’t yet been taken down. ‘I’ll admit, it was nice to see the farm come to life again last night. Don’t tell Rae I said that, though.’
Struan tried to force a laugh, but it wouldn’t come.
Not after the way he’d found her in the cupboard, barely able to form a sentence.
He’d been so afraid that he wouldn’t be able to pull her out of that panic attack.
He wondered how many times she’d suffered like that in Sydney, so far from home, with nobody to lean on, nobody to tell her she was safe.
He rubbed his chest, where that persistent ache wouldn’t dissolve.
He’d lain awake with it sitting like... well, Roderick, on his chest, eyes glued to the ceiling as he wondered if she was okay.
He’d considered checking, just to be sure, but didn’t dare with Martha in the house and Rae’s mind not yet made up.
He needed to give her the space he’d promised, even if it killed him.
Setting his mug down beside him, he turned to Doug. ‘Look, mate, it’s not my place to say anything, and I don’t want to overstep with you or Rae, but I’m worried about her.’
Doug frowned, a rough hand mussing his beard. ‘Why? What’s wrong?’
Struan paused, trying to choose his words carefully. It wouldn’t be right to divulge her problems, but he was certain that the friction between her and Doug was only putting more pressure on her shoulders.
‘I don’t think she came here just for a summer break,’ Struan said quietly. ‘I think maybe she needed to come home.’
‘I’m not following. As far as I know, she’s leaving in a few weeks.’
‘Because she thinks it’s what’s expected of her.
But if she knew it was okay to stay, I think she would.
You must have noticed how anxious she can be.
She’s struggling, and she needs to feel like she’s allowed to step away from the things that make her feel that way.
Cooking seems to be one of those things. ’
Silence ticked between them, Doug’s head cocked in confusion. ‘Has she said something to you?’
‘No. Just a hunch.’ Struan fiddled with his bracelet, certain he was making a mess of this.
He just wanted Doug to tread more carefully, to show Rae she was allowed to stay at home, even if it meant stepping away from her career.
He’d been tough on her, acting like she was a burden for wanting to save this place with her grand ideas.
Comparing her to her mum for going away.
He still remembered how upset she’d been the night she’d stayed with him, and he couldn’t bear to see it again.
If he couldn’t be Rae’s haven, he wanted to make sure she had one here. She shouldn’t have to hide in cupboards when she was struggling. She shouldn’t have to feel like her efforts were unwanted.
A laboured sigh fell from Doug as he leaned his mug against his knee. ‘I wondered if something had happened. It isn’t like her to quit a job without a plan B. I thought she loved it in Sydney.’
‘She’s worked hard every day of her life,’ Struan said. ‘At some point, all that stress is bound to pile up.’
‘You think that’s why she’s thrown herself into all this fair nonsense?’
‘Aye, maybe. She doesn’t want to see the farm, or you, go under, but maybe she’s also avoiding the life she had before.’
He absently stroked Maisy as she padded out of the front door to join them.
‘If I’ve been hard on her, it’s only because I don’t want her to have the same resentment that caused her mother to leave.
I don’t want her feeling like she has to fix my problems. Holding on to her too tight will just end with me losing her. ’
‘She’s not her mum, and I think it’s unfair to treat her like she is. She loves this place. I’ve seen it. It’s in her blood.’ She wouldn’t have worn herself thin to host two events this summer otherwise. She wouldn’t spend so much time out in the fields, or making her jams in the kitchen.
‘Hm.’ The crow’s feet in the corners of Doug’s eyes deepened, emotion spreading his lips thin beneath his thick beard.
‘I dinnae ken what’s going on with the two of you, but you’re a good lad.
My worst nightmare would be her bringing home some fancy chef too stuck up their own arse to really love her the way she deserves. I’d much rather it be you instead.’
Struan wasn’t surprised Doug had caught on to their secret – at this point, he was hardly subtle. No use denying it. ‘Aye, so would I. Unfortunately, the cards are stacked against us.’
‘If I can find a new wee missus at my ripe old age, I’m sure you two can work it out.’ Doug’s elbow poked Struan’s ribs. ‘Just don’t stuff it up, otherwise she might never come home again.’
‘I’ll do my best.’ Struan meant it. If there was even a sliver of a chance that they could work, he would do everything it took to make the most of it.
Before, the future had been a blurry, vague, faraway thing he didn’t like to focus on.
Something he’d figure out as it happened.
Now, he’d found what he wanted, and it wasn’t a bigger house or a better wage. He could live without all that.
He just wanted her – first thing in the morning, last thing at night.
In his bed and hers, over lunches and picnics and dinners, in cupboards and over mountains and through every season.
She was the north on his compass, him a powerless needle in her magnetic field.
Had been since the moment she’d come home, for reasons both inexplicable and completely clear.
He’d wanted her before it had been a choice, and he loved her now that it was.
Loved.
Fuck, he was in trouble.
Martha burst out of the door, clad in sunglasses and midway through buckling her sandal. ‘All ready, I think!’
Vik and Rae stumbled out behind her, both of them looking as tired as he felt.
He squeezed Doug’s shoulder in silent promise, then drained the last of his coffee. ‘Off we go, then.’
Since Martha and Vik were inseparable, they sat in the back, which left Rae in the passenger seat beside him.
That space thing they’d talked about last night wasn’t going so well.
Every time he rested his hand on the gear stick, he imagined reaching over, squeezing her thigh, especially when he saw how tense and wan she was.
He knew how panic attacks could leave you feeling fragile and hungover, sometimes for days, and all he wanted was to ask her if she was okay, but it was clear Martha knew nothing about her breakdown last night.
He’d flicked the radio on low, though the signal kept fading into static as they wended between villages, forests, hills.
He cast Rae a sidelong glance, thinking of the part after the panic last night, when she’d ridden him, sweaty and breathless and so perfect that, for a moment, he’d lost all control, half-expecting he’d see stars for all the lightning forking through him.
She met his gaze like she knew. Even this amount of distance felt like thorns between them, shredding his skin with every breath.
He wondered how he’d manage if they never figured things out.
If, for the rest of his life, he’d have to resist her pull.
‘Summer is going too quickly,’ Martha complained from the back where she was leaning on Vik’s shoulder.
The sunlight bled between the tall trees, passing over them in strips of yellow.
Martha’s fringe stuck up at all angles, but for once, she didn’t seem to care.
Struan had heard the couple stumble drunkenly in after midnight last night and suspected a hangover was at play, which was why he’d tried extra hard not to rush her or irk her in any way.
His sister could be murderous when even remotely out of sorts – and when not. ‘I don’t want to go back to real life.’
‘Why? In real life, we have a wedding to plan,’ reminded Vik.
‘Have you thought about where it will be?’ Rae asked, craning her neck to face them.
‘I know I mentioned the farm, but I was thinking recently about how we met.’ Martha laced her fingers through Vik’s. ‘We’d rather stay in St Andrews and hopefully book St Salvator’s Chapel.’
‘So, you’re literally marrying your work, then,’ Struan pointed out, remembering the gothic spires of the university’s church. It would make a lovely venue, but it proved just how attached Martha was to her new hometown. How unattached she was to Belbarrow.
‘Speaking of work, I asked Emma if perhaps she might have a friend to bring along to the Strawberry Fair.’
He sighed. He hadn’t yet delivered the news that he was running off to Glasgow to escape Martha’s friend. ‘Why? Are you trying to get me into a threesome now?’
Martha’s foot jolted into the back of his seat. Beside him, Rae tried to hide her smirk by peering out of the window. ‘You wish,’ she muttered.
‘Naw.’ He tried to sound nonchalant, but he was nothing but sincere when he said, ‘One woman is enough for me.’
‘Good, because this one isn’t for you,’ Martha announced, perking up so she was visible in the rearview. ‘She’s for you, Rae!’
Rae choked on her surprise. ‘What?’
‘Don’t worry. She knows you’re chronically unavailable, and doesn’t expect a commitment or anything. But surely, it’s time to start exploring a little more. You don’t want to be a mostly virgin forever!’
Struan’s grip on the steering wheel tightened. ‘Don’t you think Rae is capable of deciding that herself?’
‘Her name is Jo. She looks a bit like the lovechild of Megan Fox and Rachel Weisz – every sapphic’s dream woman, really,’ Martha continued, ignoring him. ‘Super hot bi icon, curves for days, and would absolutely like to sample your taster menu, if you catch my drift.’
His knuckles turned white. He couldn’t compete with the hot librarian from The Mummy – the wife of James fucking Bond. ‘Jesus Christ, Martha.’
‘What?’ Martha batted her eyelashes innocently. ‘Rae is young and single, and Jo has a thing for chefs.’
‘Rae is not interested,’ Rae said, fingers curling around her seatbelt.
Martha gave a patronising scoff. ‘You can’t settle for a relationship with your vibrator for the rest of your life.
I’m telling you, you’ll like her. She’s super laid-back and shouldn’t be too fazed by all your…
’ – her fingers danced vaguely – ‘obsessive high maintenance stuff. And she won’t expect you to call her afterwards, which is great, because you never call anyone. ’
‘So, basically, you found me a pity fuck?’ Rae’s tone suddenly sharpened, her glare focused on the vast blue sky ahead. ‘What exactly did you tell her about me? That I’m a pathetic, lonely, anxious mess who can’t communicate?’
‘Well, no. I definitely didn’t say pathetic.’
‘Babe,’ Vik warned in a hushed voice.
Rae shook her head, already red-rimmed eyes welling.
Struan’s shoulders squared with the instinctive need to soothe her, make it better.
The only way he knew how was to break the news.
‘You should tell Emma and her pal not to make the effort. I won’t be at the fair.
I’m heading out of town for a couple of weeks after the trip. ’
‘Wait, what?’ Martha’s voice rose. ‘But you knew I’d invited her for you!’
‘You knew I wasn’t interested. Besides, I wasn’t expecting this job to come up. They want me to fill in for a training instructor in Glasgow, which is a great opportunity and, for once, actually paid work.’
Her tut resounded through the car, loud as cymbals.
No congratulations, no acknowledgement of the achievement.
Struan had never taught before, only learned.
That the rescue team thought him ready to take over, even as a second choice, meant he was actually good at something, and perhaps, foolishly, he’d expected Martha to respect him a little more for it.
‘Nothing’s ever good enough for you two,’ Martha muttered.
Rae leaned her temple against the arm that rested on the open window. ‘By the sounds of it, we’re not good enough for your friends, either.’
‘That’s not at all what I said! I just want you both to be happy!’
As long as it was with somebody Martha had picked out, because otherwise, they were doing it all wrong.
Thick, unsettling silence blanketed the car, Struan unable to find a reply that wouldn’t give away everything he felt for Rae.
He knew Martha was telling the truth. She wasn’t trying to hurt them, but the patronising remarks had to stop.
Him, he could understand, but how could she look at Rae and imagine her to be lacking anything?
She’d accomplished more than the rest of them put together. Did it not count without a partner?
When Martha sighed, he hoped that meant the subject had been dropped. Still, none of them spoke again until they reached Aberdeen. As Martha turned to look out the window, he let his hand brush Rae’s thigh for just a second, a desperate attempt to comfort.
When she relaxed in her seat, he knew it had worked.