Chapter 20 #2
“I need you to sit down, and I need to talk with you. I will be as honest as I can be, but I need you to give me the same courtesy.” I lower my head before he lifts it again, guiding my gaze back to him.
“I promise,” there is no wavering in his tone. For the first time, I believe tonight he will keep to his word. Tonight, I will get the answers that I don’t really want, but that my heart and future needs.
“Do not answer me as the woman you hide and sneak around with, Theo. Answer me as the person you want a relationship with. Someone who has already given you so much more than you deserve. I wish every day that I could help you with the demons you have at home. I wish every day that you did not consume every single one of my thoughts. I wish….” I lower my head again as the anguish takes over my body. “I wish you would stay with me.”
He looks at me, eyes wide and unsettled. His expression is guarded. He is terrified of what I am about to ask. I reach down for his hand and hold it so tightly.
“Theo, are you going to leave her or not? I need to know.”
He blinks once, and his face softens, but it doesn’t answer my question. He knows that the answer he is going to give is going to break my heart, and he isn’t ready to do that to me. “Elizabeth… we’ve discussed this.”
Before he can continue, I know that if I don’t at least try to fight in this very second, he will be gone a second after. The tears I have held in, shed. Why can I never control my emotions with him? He tears my emotional floodgates wide open. With my voice quaking, I reply with my heart’s truth.
“You said you no longer love her. You said you felt nothing for her, but you feel something real here, with me. So, if that’s true, why are you still going home to her, Theo?” I lower my head, feeling defeated already.
The silence stretches between us. It is deafening. Unbearable. He can feel me drifting away from him, and he knows deep down that the next words he utters will not stop it from happening. He lifts his thumb to my cheek and gently wipes the tears away. I unravel in front of him.
“Because it’s not that simple, Elle,” he murmurs. “My life is a mess. It’s not entirely my own. There’s Oscar. The career. A mess Olivia and I have made together. I could lose everything.”
His wife’s name coming from his mouth feels like a punch to my stomach. It’s just another reminder that I will always be second.
I step away from him. I need to put some space between us. He holds his hand out for me to take, but I can’t take it. I stand staring at it as if it’s ablaze. As if it will scold me.
“If you don’t, you’ll lose me, Theo.” I am losing the strength of my own voice.
It’s shaky and softer than I had hoped, but I need to continue.
“You leave me alone. You say you want me, but then never stay. You always leave. I can’t keep doing this.
Our time in London was heaven, and I honestly believed that when we got back everything would change, but it was just full of lies and secrets, and it’s not fair for you to keep doing this to me. I can’t do it anymore, Theo.’’
“Please understand, baby. I care for you more than you could possibly know. You are all I need.”
“Then prove it.” I raise my voice at him, and it echoes around the cottage, shocking us both.
My frustration with him is releasing with each word I say.
“I don’t want to be the secret you keep hidden away.
I want to be the person you choose! Not when it’s convenient for you, Theo, or when you’re lonely. I want you with me fully. Honestly.”
Theo reaches for me again, but I shake my head.
“I am so unbelievably in love with you, Theo.”
It comes out of my mouth before I can stop it, but I had promised him I would be honest with him. I raise both hands to the sides of my neck in utter despair. “I can’t keep doing this with you if you’re not going to let go of the life you say you’re done with.”
He looks away, the muscles in his jaw pulsing, eyes glassy. I am in so much pain. My body is aching, my heart feels like it is being torn from my chest. He is struggling to look at me, and the silence is saying so much more than his words.
“I… I will try,” he whispers, as if that is enough. It isn’t. I am not going to cling to this fantasy anymore.
“All I have had from you is heartbreak and misery.” I walk to the front door, pausing as my hand reaches for the handle, and then I open it for him to leave. I don’t look at him. I can’t. I don’t want him to see me shed any more tears. He walks to the door, stopping when he is next to me.
He leans down to my ear, his breath caressing my skin. And then he whispers, “I love you too, Elizabeth Marlowe.”
I close my eyes as he presses a kiss to my cheek and leaves. I click the door shut and stand with my back resting against it.
When I hear the SUV door close, I release all the hurt and anguish I have been holding in. I slide down my front door and sob. Harder than I ever have. My chest heaves and the sobs won’t stop. I have never felt such gut-wrenching pain in all my life.
Why can he not do it for me?
And why did he have to tell me that he loved me?
Bear pads over and licks my hand. I pull him into my lap and sit on the floor for an hour, just me and my dog. Bear stays, like he can feel that I need his comfort. Eventually, I stand and walk to my bed. I get in fully clothed and cry, curled up all night, drifting in and out of sleep.
****
Theo
I sit in the back of the SUV outside her house for a long time, not quite ready to pull away.
After fifteen minutes of silence, Nigel interrupts my thoughts.
“Are you ready, sir?” he asks cautiously.
I nod, and as the car pulls away, I lower my head into my lap and sigh heavily.
I let a tear fall out of me. I desperately want to turn the car around and wrap Elizabeth up in my arms, and never let her go.
I have never had such a deep connection to a person.
It is everything I have ever wanted, yet I keep losing it.
The image of her Instagram profile comes into my head.
I know that what I have just done is the best thing for Elizabeth.
She deserves to be happy, and I am making her miserable. She knows it, and so do I.
I can’t give her the love she really, truly wishes for.