Chapter 28
Elizabeth
James and I continue our walks as December fades into Christmas. The village sparkles with lights and market stalls playing Christmas music, the air smelling of cinnamon and roasted nuts.
Fiona and Eden come to help me decorate the cottage, and the twinkling lights on the tree bring me a quiet sense of calm.
Fiona lifts Eden to place the star on top, and I watch, imagining next year, when I will have my little girl tucked into my arms. Together we drink hot chocolate next to the fireplace, and just as we are about to leave and head to the Christmas Eve carols, Kitty arrives, wrapped up warm, looking stunning as ever, clutching a flask.
When Eden asks what is inside, she calls it hot chocolate, though I’m certain it’s red wine.
We stroll into town and sing carols around the village tree, arms linked, Eden holding onto Bear’s lead like it’s the most important job in the world. People come up to congratulate me on the book. Each time someone says they cannot wait to read it, my heart swells.
The girls fill my cottage with warmth and laughter for the rest of the evening, and when Eden starts rubbing her eyes with tiredness, we wrap up the evening with hugs, kisses, and Christmas wishes.
When they leave, silence settles, but the warmth lingers, filling the cottage with a feeling it has not held in a long time.
As I sit on my own, stroking Bear as he sleeps beside me, thoughts of Theo come to my mind.
I stare at his name on my phone and force myself to stop.
I close my eyes and lock my phone, placing it next to me, ignoring the urge to message him.
On Christmas morning James arrives with croissants in one hand and a small turkey crown in the other.
We cook together, filling the cottage with delightful smells and old Christmas music.
I no longer feel like I am trying to hide.
My emotions are steady, and my heart feels as though it is repairing.
I feel like I’m on my way to being healed.
Not fixed. Just finding the day a little easier than the ones before.
After we have filled ourselves with good food, we rest on the sofa and exchange gifts.
I agonised for weeks over what to get James, the man who has been there every single time I have needed him, no questions asked. I hand him a box containing a personalised stethoscope. He opens it carefully, and when he sees the tiny plaque with his name engraved, he leans over and hugs me.
“This is so thoughtful, Elizabeth. Thank you.” He hands me a Christmas gift bag, the handles tied neatly together with a velvet red bow. I untie it gently and pull out a wooden box inscribed with the words:
For the woman who writes to the ocean
My eyes brim with tears and my breath catches in my throat.
I unclasp the box, and my eyes are met with a leather-bound notebook.
It is the most thoughtful gift I have ever been given.
It is not romantic, not an attempt to make me love him.
It’s gentler than that. It’s him telling me he sees me.
Understands me. And for that, I will forever be grateful.
The rest of the evening passes with the rain tapping lightly on the windows, soft conversation, laughter, and plenty more food.
Christmas passes slowly. My mind wanders to Theo more than I would like, and sadness works its way in; despite that, my world begins to feel steady. Feels like I can breathe again.
The day after Boxing Day, a light tap sounds through the house. Bear barks as James opens the door to the delivery man. In front of him is a huge parcel. He signs for it and takes it into the kitchen, the weight of it surprising him.
“Elizabeth, a parcel just arrived for you,” he calls through to my bedroom.
I poke my head around the door frame to take a look.
I haven’t been expecting anything, but I am too intrigued to wait.
I grab a pair of scissors and slit the top of the box.
I pull the top open, and there, staring back at me, is the first edition of my book.
I slowly peel one out of the box and hold it in my shaky hands.
I take it all in, every colour, every embossed letter, the scent of new pages, and my name staring back at me.
I bring it to my chest, unable to speak.
I show James and take each one out in a rush, my ears ringing.
I bounce on the spot as my body fills with excitement.
My thoughts drift to Theo. I shake it away before it takes over my moment, but it’s too late. I just want to tell him what has been happening in my life. I want to show him. He should have been here. He should be the one celebrating with me at this moment.
“Are you ok?” James asks.
“Sometimes I wonder if he ever meant any of it. Everything he said. That he couldn’t stay away. He’s done a pretty good job staying away the last few months.” James doesn’t need to question who I’m talking about.
“Some people say things, Elizabeth. They say them because in that moment, they truly believe that they mean them.” He hugs me tight, letting me feel all the emotions I need to.
“Do I give up on him?”
“I can’t answer that for you. Either way, I’m here for you.
” James picks a book from the box and hands it to me.
“Can you sign a book for me?” I take the book from his hand, grab a pen, then for the first time in my life, sign a book.
I take another copy and place it on the bookshelf between the fireplace and the window, letting myself breathe in the moment.
James makes his way over to me, and we stand looking at the book nestled into place.
“You need to celebrate this, Elizabeth. Tonight, I’m taking you out for dinner.
Get into your best dress and let’s paint the town.
Sober of course,” he chuckles, patting my stomach.
I laugh and agree. He leaves the cottage to go home and freshen up, ready for the evening, and I get in the shower.
When I step out, I hear my phone buzz from a distance.
Theo: Hey Sunshine. I saw you on Good Morning Britain and I wanted you to know that I’m so proud of you. I’d like to talk when you’re ready.
I stop in my tracks, looking down at the message in front of me.
My head suddenly feels heavy. From inside me, the baby kicks a couple of times.
I place the phone on my bed and continue getting ready.
Tonight, I’m going to focus on James. It’s the least I can do after everything he has done for me.
He has been my constant, and it seems that every time he tries to bring me back to the real world, Theo drags me away. But not tonight. I won’t allow it.
James picks me up in his car at 6:30pm, and we drive into town.
Christmas lights wrapped around the trees along either side of the road.
We spend the evening in easy, light conversation.
We eat steak and chips, the red meat being the perfect choice for the baby, according to James, then a chocolate brownie and vanilla ice cream, which I insist is good for me.
When I yawn at 9:00pm James suggests we head home.
“Not much of the town was painted red. I am sorry.” He chuckles at my words.
“You are growing a whole human, Elizabeth, and technically you should be resting. I’ll let you off… this time.” He winks as we pull up at the end of the pathway, but I don’t get out of the car right away. I sit looking at my hands, playing with the hem of my dress.
“Theo messaged me before we came out asking me if I would talk to him soon,” I say to him quietly.
“What did you say?”
“I haven’t replied yet,” I admit. We sit in silence until I break it, “I think I want to see him, James. I want to see what more he has left to say.” James flinches ever so slightly, but I see it, and guilt washes over me.
After all the ups and downs, my one constant is James, yet I just can’t return the same steadiness to him.
“Then that’s what you have to do. Trust your gut, Elizabeth. Go and talk to him. But remember how long you’ve waited for him to return and how quickly he walked away before.” My breath catches, and I nod quietly, placing my hand on the car door.
“Thank you, James. For everything.” I go to step out and hesitate with one last thought. “You never try to stop me.” It was a statement, but there is a hint of a question within it.
“I trust you and I’m not here to judge you,” he replies, “I love you enough to allow you to choose your own way in life.” My heart aches with the gentleness coming from him. In another life, he would be the man I would end up with.
I head inside the cottage and to the bedroom where I undress and get in bed. James’s words are echoing around my mind. I open Theo’s message and reply.
Elizabeth: One last chance, Theo. Frankly, you have had more than you deserve. Do not mess me around. I’ll see you tomorrow at noon.
I switch my phone to silent, place it on the bedside table and turn over to sleep.