Chapter 29
Elizabeth
The sky is dark and the wind is strong when I wake up.
Noon creeps in like a storm cloud. I stand by the window, waiting for him, just like I used to, and I hate myself for it.
I think about how much I have changed since Theo was last here.
I am no longer the woman he met with in secret. I have grown and hardened.
He hardened me.
His knocks are sharp, two as always. My stomach twists in knots, and the baby kicks as if reacting to it. Snow has fallen outside, and the cold comes blowing through as the front door opens. I am surprised by Theo’s presentation. He looks dishevelled. Tired.
He steps in and looks around, searching for something that isn’t there. A picture, a smell, something that looks out of place. He is looking for any sign that I may have moved on from him.
“You look amazing, Elizabeth,” he admits. I know I do. My hair seems thicker and shinier, my face is glowing, and the little baby bump suits me. Pregnancy suits me.
“I didn’t think you would come,” I reply. I sound cold, but I’m protecting myself from the hurt he seems to cause every time he comes here.
“I almost didn’t, but I needed to see you.” I rub my stomach, trying to calm myself and the baby down. She’s more active than I’ve ever felt. I want to believe that the baby recognises Theo’s voice, but I know that, deep down, he hasn’t been around enough for her to know him.
“Not long now, only three months before her arrival.” I want him to know, to be aware of the milestones and moments he has been missing. The words pull on his heartstrings, and he searches the ground for something that isn’t there. A distraction.
He has missed so much, and I watch as shame hits him in the gut. So much precious time that is slipping away from him. Time he won’t get back.
“What did you need from me, Theo?” I’m not rushing him, but I need to hear what he has to say.
Need to know why he has asked to see me.
He steps towards me and holds out his hand.
Reluctantly, I take it, the electricity I used to feel, faint and familiar between my fingers as he steers me towards the sofa to take a seat.
“I’ve been trying to clean up my mess. I’ve had my lawyers take a look at the prenup.
They’ve all been looking for loopholes. Anything.
” He rests his elbows on his knees and holds his head in his hand.
I don’t need to ask what that look means.
I already know. They haven’t found anything.
“Elizabeth, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you and our baby. ”
He turns his head with a look of caution and moves his hand towards my stomach.
He hesitates, waiting for permission. I grab hold of his hand and pull it towards my stomach, resting it there.
I feel the baby kick his hand and watch as his face turns into a small smile that quickly collapses into sadness.
He pulls his hand away and wipes his face.
“I hope she has your eyes, Sunshine,” he says softly.
“I hope she has yours,” I reply, and I mean it. I want her to look like him.
I gently touch the corner of his eye, wiping the tear that just escaped.
His head rests slightly in my hand. “I want you to show up for her, Theo. Be her protector. If you’re not able to, I will.
I will be everything she could possibly need.
” I mean it. I am prepared to protect the baby from any harm, including Theo if he can’t step up the way we need.
I rest my hand on my stomach and take comfort in her little movements.
“I don’t know what to do. I just want to be the best man for you. For her,” he explains, reaching for my belly one last time. “I’m terrified I can’t be. I don’t know who I am anymore.” I stand up and walk to the fireplace, stoking it. The fire crackles, mesmerising me. I don’t turn around again.
“You know exactly who you are, Theo. You just don’t like the person you will become if you leave her.
Yet I am willing to love the person you are, whether you have everything or nothing.
” He doesn’t reply. He knows I’m being honest, and it hurts him.
“I asked you to leave her because all I want is a chance for a perfect happy ending… for all of us.” Before he can interrupt me, I quickly turn to continue.
“I know that if you leave her, that stupid contract will strip you of who you feel you are, but it won’t strip you from who you are as a person.
I don’t care about the stuff, Theo. I have no interest in your fame and money.
You could come with just the clothes on your back and a penny in your pocket, and I will still love you.
” Theo rises and makes his way over to me.
He brushes my hair from my neck and trails his knuckles down my arm, moving his lips closer to my throat.
“You still love me?” he asks, planting a small kiss on my bare skin. I shrug him off and put space between us.
“Yes, Theo. I’m not entirely convinced that there will ever be a day where I won’t love you, but I don’t want to live this lie anymore.
It’s been two months since you left me. You can’t keep running from me.
Us. You need to decide.” He wants, more than anything, to give me everything I desire, because I know he desires it too.
“I’m scared I can’t show up for you,” he explains.
“I’m scared too. Do you think I’m sitting here every night not worrying about the future of me and our child?
The difference is that I am trying. I haven’t run away.
” I avoid his gaze. It’s easier to fake confidence when I don’t have to look at him.
I walk past him to the drawer that I keep all the baby scans in, pulling out a fresh one.
I hand it to him, and he studies it, love written all over his face. A love he doesn’t understand.
“That one is yours to keep. I had two printed, hoping you would get a chance to be given one.” I want him to see what’s waiting for him. To see the life we could have together. “Forget about me, Theo. If you can’t be there for me, at least show up for her.”
“Do we have a name for her yet?” I don’t miss the word ‘we.’ It fills my heart with joy, but only temporarily.
“Her name is Nellie, after my grandmother,” I tell him. He looks over at my vintage desk, sitting in the window of the living room.
“How come you’ve moved the desk out here?” he asks, frowning. I don’t want to answer him. The room I moved the desk from is the only room in the house that isn’t covered in memories of us, but I know he has a right to see what I’ve done.
“I’ll show you.” He follows me, and I open the door to reveal a small but beautiful nursery.
He gasps as he steps inside. I stand in the doorway, watching him as he moves around the room.
He runs his fingers along the cream wooden crib, taking in every detail.
He places his fingertips on the gold bows at the headboard and clutches the small, soft brown rabbit stuffy that lies on the crib mattress.
The walls are a forest green that remind me of the large elm tree that stands sturdy in my garden.
He turns to look at me.
“You did all of this? It’s beautiful.” I bow my head shyly. Yes, I have done it all by myself. It was my room. The room where I sat when I was alone, just me, Bear, and my unborn daughter. I don’t answer him though. “Is there still a place for me here?” My head snaps up, and my eyes widen in shock.
“Always, Theo. I am just waiting for you to make the decision. You need to start showing up and sticking around.” He nods, making a commitment to himself.
“The baby is measuring small. The doctors are monitoring her, but she might come early. If she does, I am going to need you more than ever.” He moves towards me, and I let him get closer, not stepping away from his touch.
The closer he gets, the clearer I can see the man in front of me.
He doesn’t look like the superstar I once knew, just a man unravelling.
My heart breaks for him. I can see the torment taking over.
Even with the pain he has unknowingly caused me, I never wanted him to feel like this.
I never wanted him to hurt as much as he is in this moment.
He walks to the front door and opens it, letting in a rush of freezing air.
“I will come back, Elizabeth. I will make sure that I am everything you want me to be. My lawyers are so close to a solution.” He says it as if he believes it, but I’m not sure I do.
Nigel sits in the driver’s seat of the black SUV, so I give him a small wave and then kiss Theo on the cheek goodbye, gently closing the door behind him.
I watch from the window as the car pulls away, cradling my swollen belly.
A sudden wave of tiredness hits. I thought him coming over to speak would make me feel better.
If anything, it’s made me feel so much worse.
I put the kettle on the stove and watch the snow fall outside whilst waiting for the kettle to boil.
When it shrieks with finality, it makes me jump.
The baby kicks, and I rest my eyes for a moment, replaying the conversation with Theo.
I’m smothered in sadness. For Theo, James, the baby and myself.
I pour the boiling water over my chamomile tea bag and take my mug to the baby’s room.
I sit on the rocking chair where my desk used to sit.
The smell of baby powder already floating in the air.
Slowly, I sip my tea and let myself cry.
Not sobs, just enough to make my chest heave, enough to feel the need to wrap my arms around myself in a hug.
I cry for Theo’s pain, I cry for my baby’s uncertain future, and I cry for the old version of myself that I can feel slipping away.
When the tears settle and I gather myself, the moon is high outside, and the snow has stopped falling.
The light is pouring in through the windows, moonlight reflecting on the snow, making everything glow.
I pick up my phone and I send a message to James to thank him.
Thank him for all the support he has given me.
All the times he has helped me through, all the times he unknowingly kept me alive.
I brush my teeth, crawl into bed and cradle my stomach one last time before sleep finally takes me.