Chapter 42
Elizabeth
Days pass and I hardly move, paralysed by grief.
Theo has run out of options. I can tell.
I hear him pacing on the marble floor downstairs, speaking to somebody on the phone.
James pulls up to the house half an hour later, and I hear Theo updating him on my state as they climb the stairs.
Theo leads James into the nursery and leaves him to come in alone.
“Hey, Elizabeth,” James says as he enters, using a tone I’m beginning to despise. It’s the same tone Theo has been using with me, full of pity.
I don’t move, not even greeting him. James lies down on the mattress next to me and just watches me for a moment. When I eventually turn to look at him, he smiles, but all he sees is grief looking back at him. It is written all over my body.
“I’m going to do a quick check on you, ok? Theo asked me to check in.” I nod and then look away. I will not cry anymore. I have no tears left to shed. I am numb.
James slowly moves around me. Checking my temperature, my eyes, ears, and blood pressure.
“You’re extremely dehydrated, Elizabeth.
” I don’t reply. I only shrug. James gets up and opens the door a crack.
Theo stands on the other side, listening.
“In other circumstances I would want to suggest going to the hospital for fluids, but that will kill her to go back there, Theo, so I’m going to make a call to the hospital for some supplies, ok?
” I hear James and Theo’s shoes on the stairs and the front door close.
An hour later, an IV fluid bag, cannula, gloves, and alcohol wipes arrive with James.
He comes back into the nursery and begins to prep the room, moving around me silently.
“What are you doing?” I ask, my voice tired, too weak to make it louder than a whisper.
“I will not make you go back to the hospital, Elizabeth, but you’re dehydrated, and you need fluids, so I ordered them to come here. Theo’s driver went and collected it all and brought it back.” I nod and roll my sleeves up. Once the fluid is hung up, James sits back down next to me.
“What do you want, Elizabeth? What can I do for you?” I have thought about this for the past three days, and every time, I realise that my longing is for my friend.
James can’t be that right now. He’s too concerned.
He can’t snap out of being a doctor. Theo is grieving as much as I am, and every time I look at him, I see the disappointment I know he won’t admit that he has.
“I want Fiona.”
The words leave my lips, and thirty minutes later I hear soft footsteps coming towards the door, a gentle knock, and then it swings open.
“Elle, sweetie, come here.” She pulls me into her embrace, and I cry tears I thought I had lost. She’s the one person I don’t need to hide from. She is not disappointed in me.
She doesn’t hate me.
“Fiona… why?” I hear myself wail. She rocks me like she did that day on her driveway, and we sit silent for a while.
“Elizabeth, I know you’re hurting, but you need to look after yourself.
We’re going to lose you if you don’t.” I turn to face away from her and close my eyes.
“Elizabeth, you need to listen to me. If you keep going like this, you’re going to kill yourself.
Theo is distraught, too. The man doesn’t know what to do with himself.
You need to let him in. You need to get out of this room.
You are torturing both yourself and him.
” My head snaps around to face her with anger replacing the grief.
“Maybe I deserve it, Fiona. I had one fucking job, and I failed.” The tears rise in my eyes, blurring my vision.
“I was supposed to protect her, to bring her into this world safely, and I couldn’t.
Theo should be fucking torturing me, not trying to help me.
” Fiona stares at me with her mouth open as I continue.
I gasp for breath. “I let him down. I killed his baby girl.” Tears stream down my cheeks.
Fiona grabs my hand tight, and I pull it away.
“Stop trying to help me.” I am shouting, my voice filling the room.
“Elizabeth… babe… there was nothing you could have done to stop this. You are not responsible.” I shake my head and sit, curling my knees up to my chest. Fiona moves to sit herself directly in front of me.
Her hand grips the side of my face, so I have no option but to look at her.
“All that baby ever experienced was love, Elle. She never saw the troubled world that we live in. She heard you and Theo. She heard your loving words and Theo’s singing.
All she ever knew was love. Is that not the best thing anyone could ever have given her?
” I don’t reply, but the words echo round in my head.
“Listen to me, the men downstairs will not be harsh with you like this. They both love you far too much, but I will not tiptoe around you. I’m not here for that.
You have so many people who love you and, honestly Elle, I can’t begin to imagine the pain you are going through. ”
Her eyes fill with tears, and it makes me want to look away. “I know you, and you cannot give up, okay?” The tear spills down her cheek.
I lay myself down, knees still pressed into my body, and Fiona lays behind me holding me tight to her body. Neither of us speaks again until two hours later, once the fluid has drained from the bag.
James comes in, quiet and timid, and disconnects it from the cannula, removing it from my arm. As he goes to leave, I call him back.
“Can you take me downstairs with you?” He turns back to me, and Fiona sits up.
“You sure?” she asks.
“I’m sure.” James lifts me from the mattress and then, like helping a toddler downstairs for the first time, we slowly take one step at a time until we reach the bottom. My legs are weak, and every step is difficult to take. Theo notices me from the living room and runs to the hallway to greet me.
“Hey, Sunshine. I’m so pleased to see you up and out of bed.” He takes me from them and holds me under the arm, and we walk into the kitchen to sit at the window seat. The March sun sits high in the sky, and the deer are back in the garden, this time joined by a small, delicate fawn.
“I’m sorry, Theo,” he shakes his head and places his hands on my cheeks as I start speaking.
“You have nothing to apologise for, Elizabeth. I am just so pleased to see you downstairs.” Theo sits down next to me, and we watch the deer. I watch how delicate the fawn is, suckling on its mum. A small miracle in my garden.
James and Fiona make their way over to the cupboards and take out eggs and flour, ready to make pancakes.
As Fiona whisks the mixture, James fetches the plates.
I rise from my seat and go to the fridge for the butter and maple syrup.
Theo watches me closely; I can feel his eyes attached to me, making sure I’m not in any pain.
Once the pancakes are done, we all sit down and eat.
I only manage one, but it thrills both James and Theo just to see me eat.
“Can we go to my cottage, please?” I ask Theo once we’re finished. He nods reluctantly.
Fiona and James both leave when Theo runs me a bath.
He cleans my body so gently, like he’s scared to hurt me.
I get dressed in my blue, polka dot dress, tie my hair in a white bow, and place a cardigan around my shoulders.
We head to the SUV and make our way through the country lanes to the cottage.
To the ocean. Exactly where I feel like I need to be.
I head straight to the porch. I don’t want to be indoors. I have come for the sound of the waves and the comfort of my quiet haven outside.
“Can we scatter her ashes at our spot on the beach?” I ask him.
He is taken aback, but whilst laying on the mattress, I had found a lot of time to think about where I want her to go.
“On our first walk along the beach, your hand grazed mine. I remember exactly where we were.” It’s not the conversation Theo was expecting to have.
I notice his face is pale, and he looks like he hasn’t eaten; the sun highlighting his worry and sadness.
He hasn’t been able to even think about the funeral.
He had just wanted me out of the nursery.
He places his hand on my knee and nods.
“You can scatter her ashes wherever you like, but I think our spot is perfect.” I lay my head on his shoulder and tears come again.
“I am hurting so much, Theo. I’m not the person I was three weeks ago. My heart has broken.” He kisses the top of my head, and I feel one of his tears hit my cheek. He hates seeing the pain on my face. Every day that I am struggling, it breaks his heart a little bit more; I know it does.
“It won’t get easier, Elle; you will just learn to live with it. I am here for every single version of you. The sad, the happy, I will be here for it all.”
We sit on the porch bench until the sun sets, and only when I shiver does Theo suggest we go home. We sit in the back of the car, holding hands across the centre seat. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see him staring at me.
“Do you know what I noticed when she was born?” His voice is quiet, careful. I watch his mouth break into a smile. “She had your eyes… just like I had hoped.” He turns his face to look out of the window, and for the first time in what feels like weeks, I lower my head and… I smile.