Chapter 43
Elizabeth
Three weeks pass, filled with planning for the perfect funeral.
The night before the funeral day, I can’t sleep, my body shakes with anxiety.
When my eyes close, I have visions of a little girl, blonde hair and blue eyes, holding her small fingers out to me, trying desperately to hold on, but slipping further and further away.
“Are you ok?” I nod my head and then get out of bed, making my way through the house. It’s been so quiet since Nellie’s death. Even the piano feels silent in grief.
The morning drags like time has slowed. I go through the morning on autopilot.
Shower, hair, teeth, make-up, dress. The dress feels heavy with darkness, the black velvet clinging uncomfortably to my body.
I look at myself in the mirror and turn to the side, stroking the dress over my flat stomach, a reminder of the hole that now remains.
Theo places my diamond necklace around my neck and leaves a kiss just beneath the clasp.
As the time grows closer to us leaving for the beach, I hear the distant sound of music coming from downstairs. The familiar sound of the piano startles me. Theo hasn’t played since before it happened.
I slowly make my way to the living room.
Before I turn the corner, I stop just slightly out of sight, listening to Theo play.
It’s the most beautiful piece I have ever heard.
Slow. Sad. Haunting. I walk in and his eyes are closed, his heart laid out on the grand piano keys.
I can see the pain in his movements, and my heart clenches in a painful rhythm to each note.
I make my way over to him, laying my hand gently on his back as I slide onto the stool.
I place my head on his shoulder and listen.
I close my eyes and feel the music with him.
When he has finished, neither of us moves. His hands move away from the piano and to his knees. He rubs his palms up and down his legs nervously.
“I thought she deserved her own song,” he says to me quietly.
“It’s perfect, sweetheart.” We sit there together, hand in hand until Nigel comes in to tell us it’s time to leave. I clip Bear’s lead on, and we head to the car. The ride feels longer than it is. The roads feel endless. Silence settles in the car like a heavy fog.
I can’t breathe.
When we arrive at the cottage, James and the girls are already on the porch, waiting. Theo helps me out of the car, sensing my fragility today. Fiona and Kitty wrap me in a hug I didn’t know I needed.
Bear trots quietly behind us as we head down to the sand.
The sea is calm. The tide is in and the sky is clear.
Gently, Theo opens the tiny urn and, with me by his side, holding onto him tight, he releases her ashes.
The beach goes still, and ahead, over the horizon, the sun shines down, reminding me that my baby will be with me wherever I see a ray of light.
Wherever I am, the golden flecks of the sun shining through the clouds will be my daughter.
When I see the brightest star in the sky at night, it will be her.
I know then that she will forever be with me, and a small wave of peace runs through my body just as the wind whistles around me.
All we have is the sea between us.