Chapter 44
Elizabeth
Theo helps me back into the car, and I sit with my own thoughts while he walks around to his side.
He doesn’t speak straight away, the silence thick with grief.
I turn to look at him, and I’m met with his beautiful blue eyes looking back at me.
He reaches for my hand and squeezes as the car pulls away from the oceanfront.
I can’t bring myself to look away from him; my strength looking back at me. I feel the tears spring to my eyes.
This damn car is so big, he feels too far away.
As if he hears my thoughts, the seatbelt buckle clicks open, and he slides across the middle seat to me.
I rest my head on his chest and exhale. The day isn’t over yet, but the worst feels behind me.
I stay snuggled into him the entire way home, silent tears rolling down my cheeks.
As we pull into the electric gates, I hear gravel crunch beneath everyone’s tyres. The sound continues for so long. So many cars. So many people.
I’m not sure I’m ready for this.
Theo is the first to exit the car. He comes around to my side and offers me his hand as Nigel opens my door. Bear jumps out and I just stare back at them. Theo watches me closely, and I shake my head.
Not yet.
Slowly he closes the door and turns his back to me, standing next to it protectively. I just need a moment.
I watch as everyone enters the manor one at a time.
Dressed in black, all looking magnificent.
I watch as Fiona’s husband lifts Eden from her car seat, and she runs to the steps after Bear.
It makes me smile, a sad kind of smile. A smile made of memories that I won’t have.
Made from hugs and kisses that will never exist for me and Nellie.
I’m snapped away from my thoughts as the passenger door on the other side suddenly opens and I’m met with a scent I recognise. Lavender and vanilla drift into the car as Fiona steps in.
“Hey, beautiful. Are you coming?” I can tell by her face that she knows I don’t want to.
She knows me better than anybody. She takes my hand and moves closer to me.
“Why don’t you come in, eat something, and hide in your room?
If that’s what you feel you have to do. Nobody will judge you for it.
” I raise her hand to my lips and kiss her in thanks.
“What if I forget what she looked like, Fiona? Forget her beautiful blue eyes, or how her weight felt in my arms?” Fiona bows her head, and I know she doesn’t know what to say to me.
“The time you had with her was short, Elle… If I’m honest, I don’t know what to say.
There is nothing I can say that will make you feel better, but when you go to bed at night and dream, she will be there.
You won’t forget. Your dreams will remind you.
” I slowly bend down to pick up my bag from the footwell and squeeze her hand.
“Will you come in with me?” I ask unable to look her in the eyes.
“I wouldn’t be anywhere else.” I gently tap on the window, and Theo opens the door.
He holds his hand out for me, and once I’m on the gravel, he assists Fiona like the gentleman I fell in love with.
He gives Fiona a hug and I hear him thank her.
I know he’s worried about me. I see it on his face every morning when we sit for coffee.
He watches me differently to how he used to. Love now mixed with fear.
As I go up the stairs to the manor entrance, I hear a squeal and see brown curly hair bounding towards me.
“Aunty Elle!” Eden is running towards me on her wobbly little legs, so I bend down to greet her. I scoop her up, pressing my face into her hair, breathing her in. Fiona puts her hand on Eden’s back.
“Eden, let’s give Aunty Elle some space today.” I place my free hand on Fiona’s arm to stop her.
“No. This is exactly what I need.” I carry Eden into the kitchen, and we sit in the window seat with a finger sandwich each. I look out to the garden and notice the two deer and the fawn looking back at me. One by one, they lower their heads and graze again.
At some point, Eden climbs down and heads off on her next little adventure, and I just sit and watch them until I hear Theo’s footsteps on the marble floor coming towards me.
“Can I sit?” I gently pat the seat next to me, and he lowers himself carefully, as if afraid that if he moves too quickly, I’ll run away.
“I have something for you.” He pulls out a blue suede box from his suit pocket and places it in my lap.
It’s the same kind of box my diamond necklace came in all those months ago in London.
“Fiona told me what you said in the car. About forgetting her.” A tear releases from the corner of my eye, and he gently reaches up to wipe it, resting his hand on my cheek.
“We won’t forget her, baby. She’s always with us. ”
I open the box and am met with a gold chain and a dainty diamond encased in gold leaf. As I lift it out, I am struck by the colours in the diamond. It is shining blue and yellow, and it sparkles in the most unique way.
“Theo… it’s gorgeous.” He watches me intently.
“I had a team come out to the house and separate a small amount of Nellie’s ashes. In that necklace is a diamond made simply from her.” I gasp and throw my arms around him. His firm hands lay tight on my back as he whispers in my ear. “She will always be with you, Sunshine.”
He gently takes the necklace from my hand and unclasps it.
I turn around and he removes the diamond necklace, lowering the new diamond onto my neck in its place.
My hand instinctively plays with it, feeling the cold gold leaf between my fingers.
Theo rises from his seat, and we walk hand in hand to the living room where everybody is drinking and mingling.
That night, once everyone has left, I go to put my pyjamas on and wipe the day’s grief away.
Suddenly, I hear music coming up from downstairs.
Slowly I make my way down, listening to every note.
Every word Theo sings. I stand in the doorway, watching him quietly.
It’s different from the song he played this morning.
This morning it was sad, filled with unshed tears and grief.
This song sounds like it’s filled with hope and, dare I say it, something like happiness.
“That’s beautiful, Theo.” He turns in his chair and pats his lap for me to go sit with him.
“It’s called The Sea Between Us, and I think it’s going to be the next single on the album… it feels right.”
“I love it.” I kiss him on the cheek, and we sit with each other in silence, both feeling, at last, like we can finally begin to breathe again.