Epilogue Harmony
I ’d been living in my fairytale house in the meadow for about a month before Nixie was born. By the time Dad finished the renovations to the cottage that I wanted and added the driveway out to the road, I was already on maternity leave. Well, kinda.
Mom and Toby would let me talk them into driving me into the café, but I wasn’t allowed to work. My employees were more than capable, but I missed the bustle of the café and coffee so much that sometimes I liked just sitting in The SeaSong as all the smells and sounds of the place swirled around me.
Toby and Dad helped move me into the cottage house, moving all the big stuff and rearranging the furniture until I was happy. Mom and Aunt Ari helped get me settled and applied all the smaller touches that made the cottage mine, including the nursery for my baby girl.
Nixie came into our world screaming on a dark, stormy night. Our electricity had been knocked out for several hours and Toby was in town at the bookstore. I had been uncomfortable since the night before but started having contractions just after the lights went out.
I had no way to get in touch with Toby or my parents. I was using my phone to time my contractions and wasn’t paying attention to the battery. Of course, it died on me. Toby was always reminding me to charge it. Without it, I had no way to let anyone know that I was really in labor.
Good thing Dad came by to check on me when he did because I was in so much pain I couldn’t make it to the bedroom. Sammy, Melody, and their brood of kids happened to be visiting, letting their kids run wildly through the trees that separate my cottage from the main house. They claimed they wanted to get away from LA for a bit, but I really think Sammy wanted to see me specifically. It was getting close to the nugget's arrival and I think he was hoping to be here when it happened.
My dad messaged Melody and Mom, who rushed over to help with Fender in tow. Sammy kept the kids occupied at the big house.
I pushed Nixie Viola into the world in my bedroom, lit only by candles and a couple of flashlights with my parents holding my hands. Aunt Mel coached me through the birth. Toby ran into the room just in time to watch our daughter’s birth.
Mel handed Nix off to him, and he brought her up to me to hold as soon as the cord was cut.
“Woah! Harm! I don’t need to see that!” Dad exclaimed, covering his eyes when I pulled up my sports bra to nurse my little nugget for the first time. “Seriously! Harm!” He slapped his hand over his eyes and turned around.
Mom laughed and led him out to the living room to tell Fender his niece was here. Melody said we both looked fine but helped get us out to Toby’s Jag to make the trek to Haven Hospital to be checked out anyway.
Toby officially moved into the cottage house when Nixie was three months old, a month after his mom died from a heart attack in her sleep in the house she’d always loved. Just like she wanted. It was unexpected and threw us all off a bit.
It’s not like Toby didn’t spend most nights here with us anyway. It was just making it official.
Toby listed his parents’ house on Airbnb after doing a little renovation. It’s quite popular, especially during the winter months with its proximity to the snow-covered slopes that Fender loves shredding on his snowboard. Now that it’s spring, most of the snow has melted but the rain still comes.
Being a mom is hard, really hard, and I was not prepared for it. I love Nixie with all of me but being constantly connected to a little person who needs you to be their everything twenty-four-seven is a lot.
Even now, as she starts exerting her independence by rolling, I’m struggling to find Harmony in the blur of motherhood. I can’t imagine how hard it would be if my mom wasn’t a five-minute walk away.
I’ve made that walk on the path that Fender paved with beautiful river rock for me more times than I’d like to admit. I go when I have questions about if I’m doing something right. When I’m worried about Nix. When I’m going stir-crazy. My mom’s always there to guide me and hug me. She holds her granddaughter so I can get rejuvenating showers on the days I need just a few minutes to myself.
Soon, I’ll be back to work at The SeaSong but only part-time to start. I honestly don’t think I’d be able to do it at all if my parents didn’t live in Port Haven full-time. For now, is what they claim, but they are both so in love with their granddaughter that I don’t envision them going back to Los Angeles any time soon.
There is no way I’d trust Nixie with anyone who wasn’t family. Not even Mrs. Peabody. There’s apparently an unexpected mama bear lurking inside of me. Nixie’s brought her out in full force. I didn’t expect that at all. I’ve also been experiencing some intense anxiety when I’m not within earshot of Nix that’s produced more than one total meltdown on my part. I later learned that they’re panic attacks.
It’s not uncommon according to my mom, a former nurse, and my doctor. They’ve already started to lessen, but I’m learning to work through them when they do happen. Knowing that my parents will be here to give her the love and care she’ll need to thrive when Toby and I aren’t around takes a huge weight off me.
After putting a milk drunk Nixie down in her crib, I wander into the living room and grab my scrapbook from the built-in shelves that line the room. It’s the one that Killian, Mom, and I put together after I moved to California. This is part two to the scrapbook that Miss Shelly kept of me for Dad.
I pull out the still-sealed envelope with my name written across the front. My birth mom’s curly, feminine writing stares back at me. Sevenya’s been on my mind a lot since I gave birth to Nix.
I’m so connected to my daughter that I can’t imagine life without her. Now more than ever, I don’t understand Sevenya’s decision to give me away and not give my dad the option of raising me. We lost a lot of time together. Luckily, it didn’t prevent us from bonding, though.
My dad burned his letter from Sevenya in our backyard firepit in the Palisades years ago. I couldn’t burn mine and neither did Sammy. I knew a day would come where I’d want to read it. Today, I’m finally ready to open it.
Harmony,
You probably have so many questions for me, and if you’re reading this, it means I am not able to answer them myself. I know that Miss Shelly will love you and take care of you in all the ways I can’t.
Your father loved you from the minute he found out I was pregnant. Unlike him, I knew I wasn’t mom material and that I didn’t want to be a mom. If I had my way, you wouldn’t have been born at all.
I think Killian loved you too much. He loved you more than he loved me and sent me away to this godforsaken place when I couldn’t get clean. For you.
I want you to grow up with someone who loves you like her own and will grant you the stable, loving life you deserve. I’ll certainly never be that person for you.I don’t have one to draw from myself. But to Miss Shelly, you’re the daughter she’s always wanted and you’ll light her world and give it purpose.
Even now, sober as I write this, the numbness the drugs offer call out to me as you kick inside me. Don’t let anyone tell you I didn’t love you because I love you enough to try to assure you the life I never had.
If I have my way, your birth father will know nothing about you unless you go looking for him when you turn eighteen—that’s between you and Miss Shelly. It may seem cruel, but it’s my gift to your father and my brother. Their band is finally going places. They are so talented, but my fear is that they’ll give up their dream to take care of you if they find out you exist.
Michelle’s never been able to have kids, so I’m giving her the precious gift of you. Everything I’ve done, no matter how heartless it may seem, I’ve done for you.
Love, Your Mom Sevenya
At first, I’m not sure what to think of her words. They come off as immature and almost ruthless, especially those about my dad and Sammy. Even after her words, I still don’t understand why she told dad she lost me in Montana, when even she admits in this letter that he loved me the minute he found out she was pregnant. The same thing he’s told me since he’s had custody of me.
As right as she was about the love Miss Shelly gave me, she was completely wrong about my dad and Uncle Sammy. At no time did they give up their dreams because I was in their lives. I spent my summers on tour with the Blind Rebels. There were some stretches during the school year where I wouldn’t see my dad for a couple weeks here and there but all the Rebels were parents with kids by then. Dad and Mom proved you can love your family and have your dream at the same time.
That’s what they want for me. For me to have both. I’m not completely there yet, but I don’t feel like it’s impossible.
Toby and I haven’t finished the construction on the door joining our businesses, but The SeaSong continues to be the focal point of my future. It’s my seaside coffee shop, and my way to give music to the community.
It’s part of me, just like Nixie is. And she’ll grow up surrounded by books, music, and coffee with the Pacific Ocean as her playground. She’ll see that hard work isn’t daunting if you truly love what you do. Her grandparents will be an example of that. As well as Toby and me. And when the time comes, we’ll support whatever her dreams end up being the best way we know how.
Just like my parents did for me.