Chapter Twenty Three
Caroline
Reid decided to come back to the ultrasound room with me, so that I don’t have to be here alone or leave him in the lobby by himself.
It’s an awkward silent few minutes of me climbing onto the crinkly paper-lined table in the dark room, while he scopes out all of the monitors.
A few moments afterward, we hear a couple of soft knocks at the door.
The door swings open to a bubbly brunette in light blue scrubs, with a smile across her face.
“Good afternoon! How are we doing today?” she sings as she makes her way over to the short rolly chair.
I give a silent gasp as she pours cold lubricant jelly on my belly and pulls out the wand to search for the baby.
“Alright, mom and dad! Are we ready to see what this baby is up to today?” the ultrasound tech asks in her exuberant pitch.
“Oh, we—“ I try to interject to let her know that Reid is indeed not the father, but she continues on her spiel before I get a chance to finish.
“We will get quite a few photos of the little one today and then the doctor will meet with you to walk through the findings. Do you want to know the gender today?” She continues on, happily asking us.
Reid is silently staring at me. I glance over at him and back to the ultrasound tech, as if checking with the man who is indeed not this child’s dad. Finally, after a pause of deciding to go along with this and to not make her feel bad, I simply say “Yes, please.”
“Oh, how fun! I love this part of my job. Okay, now let’s check for the heartbeat and get some cute profile takes before we dive into the necessary stuff.”
It’s quiet as she clicks away, unable to give us too much clinical information. Finally a few minutes later, she chimes back in.
“Okay, everything is looking good… Let’s check between the legs now.”
My heart is racing, waiting for her to break the silence.
“Aww congrats, you’re having a baby girl!” The tech, whose name I never got, cheerfully shares with us.
I truly have had no inkling or thought as to what the gender may be, but hearing that there is a daughter growing in my belly just made it all the more real.
The photos look like a real baby now and reality just set in.
Without realizing it, I burst into tears and realize that my sobs have made the other two in the room unsure if they’re happy tears or gender disappointment. But the truth is, it’s neither.
“Thank you, can you give us a minute?” Reid stands up to usher the tech out the door and avoid any further embarrassment on my part. She silently leaves and hands him a Walgreens receipt length page of pictures.
“Hey, hey, what’s going on?” He sits back down next to me and grabs my right hand, sending a wave of electricity through my body and shocking me back into the moment. “Is this not what you wanted?” He follows up when I don’t respond.
“No, Reid, none of this is what I wanted. I am going to be raising a daughter in a fatherless home. All I’ve ever wanted was to make a better life for myself and to give my future babies the love and support that they deserve.
But this? This is definitely not how I pictured it going.
” I am full blown bawling now and I can’t hold back.
Once I’ve started, I can’t stop. I finally let it all out and allowed myself to feel all of the things. Reid continues to stay quiet, as if he can tell just how bad I need to vent. I don’t realize how tightly I’m grasping his hand, but even after I notice it, I still don’t let go.
I’ve calmed down and quit sobbing, but continue with my pity party.
All embarrassment has gone out the window at this point.
“I have spent my whole life trying to prove myself to everyone around me.” I choke out, wiping my nose with a tissue.
I know I’m very ugly crying right now, but I could at least do without the snot.
In the calmest voice possible, Reid finally speaks. “Caroline, you don’t have to prove yourself to anyone.”
That almost gets a laugh out of me. “Pfft. That’s easy for you to say. You’re too busy over here saving the day and playing doctor in a town that worships you.”
“Why do you care so much about what the people of this town think of you?” He asks with the most serious look on his face.
“Because no matter what I do, it’s never enough.” I’m just frustrated at this point.
“Enough for who? Because the only opinion that matters of you, is yourself.” As sweet as he is, I just need someone to get it right now.
“Oh okay, mister philosophical. Tell that to my parents, ex-my husband, my former mother-in-law, and the rest of the world.” I let a deep breath out, finally calming myself and letting go of this pent up anger.
“And where is your husband today? Don’t you think that his lack of presence here right now says a whole lot more about him than it does you? The only person who should feel like less than right now, is that asshole.” Reid’s tone has now changed from soft and gentle to a little feisty.
But that finally puts a smile on my face. I take a deep breath and sigh. “I suppose you’re right. I’m sorry I had a moment, I’ve just had all of this stewing inside me for so long.”
“Don’t apologize. You have a lot on your plate right now, but you should be so proud of yourself.
You’re handling more than most people realize and you don’t need to be afraid to ask for help.
I know you’re independent and all, but I promise the people around you want to help and support you, if you’ll let them in.
Just take it one day at a time.” Reid is back to his even demeanor.
“Ugh, thank you for that. I appreciate you coming here today, I’m not sure I would have been able to handle it alone. I really can’t believe I’m having a baby girl.” I say, smiling down at my shiny bare belly.
“That’s amazing and no worries at all. I’m glad I could be here. Now let’s get the heck out of here.” Reid says, helping me to stand back up.
“How does Dairy Queen on the way home sound?” he asks as we open the door and are blinded by the fluorescent lights of the hospital.
“You do not have to ask me twice.”