Chapter Twenty-Eight
My mind wakes up, but my body doesn’t. I can’t move. Paralyzed flat on my back, muscles locked tight. My eyes are tracking the blades of the ceiling fan as they spin.
I hear crying before I see where it’s coming from. A dark figure in the doorway leading to my main bathroom… It doesn’t take me long to realize it’s Juni I hear crying. I’m trying to tell myself she’s really not here, but my mind is betraying me.
Taking me back to the small, cramped bathroom in the trailer. Juni, on her knees, crying so hard I know it hurts. She starts screaming my name, reaching for me, begging to be saved. Something comes from behind her, ripping her away from where I could see her in the doorway.
“Reece, please don’t. I’m sorry!” The sound of a fist hitting something solid, followed by her screams, until she stops.
The figure coming into view now is Reece.
Covered in blood, with a crazed smile upon his face.
“I told you, the bitch was mine! Now she's dead… all because you refused to mind your own fucking business.” Reece sneers, wiping fresh blood splattered across his cheek.
As if the claws of my nightmare finally released me, I’m on my feet in a split second, breathing erratically, frantically pacing.
My whole body is withering. Forcing my feet to move, I turn on the light in my bathroom and search.
I keep telling myself it was a nightmare.
It wasn’t real. Juni is alive. She’s not here.
My breathing is still constricted, the tension easing as I force myself to keep breathing deeply. Looking at the clock. No surprise… It's 02:48. Like always.
“When will these fucking stop?” I walk over to my double vanity, turn on the faucet, and splash cold water on my face. I am the farthest thing from being a weak man, but even Superman can’t withstand kryptonite. Juniper Lilith Monroe is my fucking kryptonite.
Accepting that I’m awake for the rest of the day, I walk over to my shower, turning on the water. As the pressure builds, the dual rain shower heads come alive.
Getting in, my body feels so fucking heavy. I’ve never told anyone about sleep paralysis, I hate doctors, and I hate taking medication even more.
About a month after Isaiah passed away, I needed to stop the horrible thoughts I couldn’t push away. I welcomed death more than once, but it never came. My mother didn’t need to bury both of her children before she was in her forties.
I was officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety, followed by meds at my first appointment. They didn’t do shit they were supposed to. All they did was make me feel dull.
The only thing that helped me was the Polaroid in my wallet. So fucking stupid on my part. If I had never pushed her away, she would have been there, going through it with me. But I panicked.
I have never seen my mom so fucking broken. She was the strongest woman I knew until that day.
I feel like I took that from her. I took everything from my family because I was selfish.
If I had just taken Isaiah home that day, life would be different.
Juni’s last name would probably be Petrov.
And shit, by now we probably would have had some crazy curly-haired kids running around.
A little girl with my curls with Juni’s big hazel-green eyes.
Maybe even a son that looks more like me.
Apparently, I’m just out to hurt my own feelings tonight. Nothing new there. Hence, all the tattoo work I've gotten done over the last few years. The pain helps me forget, even if it’s only for a little bit; it's the good kind of pain. I’m practically covered now.
Running my hands down my face, I take a deep breath. Confusion hits me when I hear my phone vibrate on the counter. At first, I ignore the vibration. My mind spacing, until I remember it's 3 am,
My mind is still sluggish from the nightmares and very little sleep. As if it’s a reminder, my phone vibrates again—a frown forms. I pull back the shower curtain, the water droplets cascading everywhere as I reach for the phone and freeze when I look at the screen.
I am surprised to see it’s not Brenden texting for a ride. He thankfully calls anytime he needs a DD.
What the fuck… it's… Juni?
The stupid organ inside my chest that only she captivates…constricts. My breath catches… followed by panic. Juni doesn’t just text me to have a friendly conversation. No, something is wrong; there always is. We don’t talk like I wish we could; we can’t because it's forbidden.
Taking a deep breath, I unlock the phone and open the message.
The panic again constricts my throat. Yes, Love. I’m always awake at this time. As I go to respond, bubbles appear again, followed by another message.
Ping
Although the water is as hot as it can get, it suddenly feels like ice stabbing my skin.
The steam surrounding also feels suffocating.
Ripping open the curtain fully, I step out, mindlessly grabbing my towel, wrapping it around my waist. She texts me again, and this time it feels like I got hit in the ribs with a metal bat.
My chest feels like it's cracking in half, gripping the phone so tight that if it wasn’t titanium, I'm pretty sure it would break.
She doesn’t do this, she doesn’t ask for my help… And now that she is… that's telling me all I need to know. I hit send before I realized I'd even typed a message.
Mindlessly walking to my closet, I grab an old, faded long-sleeve tee.
I don’t bother to dry off. I don’t have time.
The water is now quickly seeping into my shirt.
Panic fades into sharpness, awareness. If she says she needs me, she has me.
If she calls me in a panic, being scared, I’ll be the first one there.
If she were to tell me she’s hurt, I’ll break every law just to get there to protect her.
A thought crosses my mind as I’m making my way out to my motorcycle in the garage…
Where is he? If he’s not there, where could he be?
If he’s where I’d only assume he is, he’s fucking done.
There is little to no traffic at this time of night, which doesn’t stop me from bouncing off the rev limiter, close to tapping out at 115 miles an hour.
I drastically slow down as the sign for the trailer park comes into view.
I kill the bike's engine as I pass the first two trailers. Creeping to a stop, I kick out the kickstand. Once the bike is settled, I swing my leg to dismount. I only get about five steps until I see Juni sitting on the porch step. Her head and arms are resting on top of her knees, in my black sweatshirt. It’s drowning her, all but coming to her shins in the position she's sitting in.
As soon as our eyes meet, I can physically see her take a breath.
Crouching down to her level, I say, “What’s going on?” I ask more roughly than I meant to. My hand settles on her shoulder.
A raw emotion forms on her face, voice cracking, “I just can’t be alone right now… I’m sorry to call you at three am…”
I interrupt her before she can finish talking, “Hey, look at me. You have nothing to apologize for.” Tears start to swell in her eyes, before they get a chance to spill, I panic and ask, “Do you trust me? Let’s go for a ride, get some air.”
A look crosses her face I can’t place. “Um, on that thing?” she squeals, pointing at the motorcycle.
“Yeah,” I answer gruffly. I’m trying to make it sound like I’m not internally freaking the fuck out. I watch her eyes as they make their way to my bike. Surveying it from where she’s sitting on the porch.
“Um… I don’t know. Gavin, is that a good idea?”
Keeping my voice steady, I look into her eyes and say, “You can say no, Juni. It’s entirely up to you, but the air would be good for you, and you’d be safe with me.” She goes silent, her mind visibly racing.
Shocking me, her tone changes somewhat. “What all would I need to do…do I have to hold on to you?”
Heat slowly creeps up my spine, “Um, there is a backrest, but yes.. You’d still need to hold on to me.
” She stills. She wants and needs a visible conflict.
I take a deep breath. I run my hand over the back of my head.
“No one has ever sat back there before,” I admit sheepishly.
Her eyes cut to mine, shocked enough that her mouth hangs open just a little.
“Really, why is that, Gavin?" she asks quietly.
“I haven’t had someone deserving enough to sit there,” I whisper. “For me, it’s not any seat.” Silence evades us. I almost miss the slight shake of her head. Waiting for her to deny my offer, she shocks the shit out of me.
“Okay. I’ll go.” A small smile appears.
I stand up slowly and offer my hand. Pulling her to her feet, we make our way over to my bike.
Unlocking one of the saddle bags, I grab the helmet I brought.
Slowly, I place it over her head and tighten the strap.
Once I’m satisfied with the fit, I swing my leg over the bike.
I start the bike, sit down, and kick the kickstand back.
Once I’m ready, I give her a slight nod.
“Come here,” I murmur. She walks closer, placing her small hand on my shoulder, bounces on her heels once, and swings her leg over.
Once she's seated, she's like stone. She’s nervous. Maybe even a little scared.
Ever so slowly, her arms wrap around my torso. After a moment, her grip tightens. Her front formed into my back. I hear her take a deep inhale, as if my scent is her saving grace. The fire feeling is back, licking across my skin. Being this close to her has my body burning.
I tap her hands softly, telling her to hold on tight.
We pull out of the trailer park. Enjoying the cold air on my heated skin.
My playlist starts playing, filling the void with music.
With every turn, her arms tighten even more around me.
When the road becomes flatter and straight, she peeks up over my shoulder, unintentionally inching closer to me.
Fuuuck me.
She starts to relax; she’s not doing it on purpose, heat coiling low in my stomach.
Judging by the way her body tenses, I know she feels the same.
“Bad Habits” by Nerv starts blaring from the sound system, making us both flinch.
Fuck you, Spotify. Acting as if I were physically shocked by her.
She tries to put distance between us. But she notices a turn coming up, her body automatically wraps itself around me again.
Like her body is trusting me more than her mind is.
We continue to ride until I feel her relax, Breath slowing. A small sigh ghosts across my shoulder blades, letting me know she’s finally letting go.
Pulling back into the trailer park. I shut the bike off as I glide into where Reece is supposed to be parked. Thank fuck he’s not here. Before I’m ready, she's jumping off the bike like it’s on fire. “Thank you for the ride, Gavin…” she murmurs. “I haven’t felt that free in a long time.”
I nod, not trying to give off how much the ride affected me. “Anytime, Juni.”
She starts to head inside but stops. Acts like she’s going to start walking in that direction, like she knows she needs to get away from me.
Not because of danger, but because she knows, she remembers.
“Gavin…” my name ghosting her lips. As I go to respond, I’m struck absolutely fucking stupid.
She stands on her toes, grabs my face… and kisses me.
My hands are frozen on my thighs as her lips are still against mine. Shock comes across her face. Like the temptation hasn't just been terrorizing us both all night.
Shame and terror cover her face like she was just as shocked as I am currently. I’m stuck in this purgatory-like state; it’s like she chooses me, even if it only lasts for a second.
When she pulls away quickly, breathing heavily, I can see her eyes slowly widening. Quickly, she whispers, “Um, goodnight, Gavin…” She runs inside before I can even open my mouth.
I’m stuck here, straddling my bike in her driveway. Her discarded helmet is now in my hand. Trying really fucking hard to figure out how I’m supposed to walk away this time.