Chapter Twenty-Nine
“I SAID GET THE FUCK OUT!” All of my emotions come slamming out of me all at once. Like a volcano erupting. I visibly watch her body sag with defeat.
“I know you're angry with me, Juni..,” she says quietly. “But I’m not sorry, I would rather you be angry with me than have to say goodbye to you for good in some cold, lonely cemetery."
My facade cracks, “Please, Peyton, don’t make me ask you again, please just leave.”
Retreating, breaking with every step, she croaks, “When you're ready to love yourself and set yourself free, call me.” The door silently clicks shut. I continue just to lie here.
I lost track of time. How long have I just been sitting here on the floor? I don’t know, I think I’ve honestly run out of tears. In a moment of weakness, I do something pretty stupid.
I hear him before I see him, A single headlight shining in my direction. He gets off the bike, makes quick work of his feet, and he makes it to me in five steps. I counted.
Crouching down to my level, he puts his hand on my shoulder and asks, “What's going on?” The question comes out a little gruffer than he meant it to. I spill my truths out to him because he’s the only person who can see through me.
My heart forcefully slams against my ribs when he brings up going on a ride.
I am conflicted. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at the thought of being pressed up against him.
I always hear girls talk about seat vibrations.
It works me up enough with him, slightly close to me. This might actually kill me.
I was going to decline until he mentioned that no girl had ever been in the seat. It’s like he was implying the seat was always mine. My heart answers before my mind gets to. So taken aback. He doesn’t pressure me. He lets me decide what I want to do. So, I agree.
Once I’m seated behind him, I wrap my arms around his torso.
I just want to rake my nails down his flesh, but I don’t.
I keep them as still as possible. Instead, I deeply inhale the scent of sandalwood.
He taps my hands, silently telling me to hold on tighter.
Leaving the trailer park, we start riding, music filling the void.
The ride is erotic, every turn I pull myself just a little closer to his muscular back.
Peaking over his shoulder, my grip tightens without thinking.
My body tenses as “Bad Habits” by Nerv blares from the speakers.
As if we both timed it, we both flinch. I’m trying like hell to put some distance between us, but to my dismay, there is a significant turn coming up.
My body automatically tightens around him again.
I finally let go and start to enjoy the ride.
There is no fear. I guess that’s why they call it wind therapy.
Eventually, we are pulling back into the trailer park. He’s not fully stopped as I jump off. Trying to get my breathing to calm down. The tension is suffocating. “Thank you for the ride, Gavin…” I say quietly.
Nodding, all he says is “Anytime, Juni.”
I start to head inside, but I stop. I start walking in that direction again.
The pull I’m feeling is getting harder and harder to ignore.
“Gavin…” I whisper. I don’t know where the need comes from, but I act without thinking.
I grab his face, and my lips find his, only for a few seconds.
His lips don’t move… I think I shocked us both.
“Um, goodnight Gavin…” I say sheepishly as I run inside before he can even say a word.
As the door shuts, my back slides down until I land on the floor, legs stretched out.
My hands are shaking like crazy. My fingers touch my lips; they feel like they are burning.
My body is still vibrating. My heartbeat feels like it’s coming out of my chest. My husband has done far worse to me, but I can’t help but feel guilty.
I should get a shower, I should erase this feeling.
But I don’t because I’m selfish. I’m going to live in these moments just for a little bit longer.
At some point, I force myself to get up.
Suddenly, pins and needles take away any feeling in my legs and feet.
Once I regain feeling, I decide I need to try to sleep for a few hours.
Deciding I need comfort tonight, I don’t take off his sweatshirt; I just inhale the sandalwood scent.
Once I’m settled, emotions overtake me again. My tears start to fall.
For the ugly fight I had with someone I love like my sister. For both babies, I will never get to hold. For the girl who I used to be. For the man I am still so in love with, but that I can’t have. I just cry until the tears stop. Eventually, sleep takes me, pulling me into the darkness.
I’m walking barefoot through a house I don’t recognize. Warm sunshine is coming in through the kitchen window. Stopping at the sink, I stay put as the sun’s rays warm me. Looking down, I notice I am wearing an old I Prevail t-shirt. Reece doesn’t like the same music I do… So, this isn’t his.
Arms come around my waist, rubbing a small bump that is forming there.
I feel him place his chin on my shoulder.
A calming feeling washes over me. There is a beautiful silver princess-cut wedding set on my finger…
In place of the simple gold band that typically lives there.
Compared to the ring I usually wear, this is the perfect fit. Sandalwood invades my senses.
On the counter, I see a pair of blue baby shoes.
My hands find my small bump. It must be a boy.
I turn around to confirm this must be a dream.
But, before I get a word out, one hand cups my jaw, the other on the side of my face.
Liquid pools of chocolate look back at me, with so much love and compassion that it brings tears to my eyes.
Careful tattooed hands, made with Love, no hate, and not the choking kind….unless it’s in our bedroom. “How does it feel to be mine любовь, hmm?” Before I can answer… The dream transitions.
I’m assuming this is still the same house… we are just in the backyard now. Gavin is kneeling, facing away from me. Suddenly, I hear laughing. I see a gorgeous little girl with wild curls and hazel-green eyes. She looks like me, but she looks like him. She seems like everything we could have been.
“Daddy! Daddy, come catch me if you can!!” A smile forms across his face as he takes after her.
I watch from the porch, hand resting on my stomach. My heart hurts so much I can feel it bleeding because this is all I ever wanted—a safe life. Here, there is no Reece. No fear for my life. No trauma. Just happiness. A beautiful family, with a man who has loved me since we were eighteen.
“Ah ha! I got you, Emma! Gavin finally catches her, scooping her up and spinning her around until both are breathless with laughter.
Tears come to my eyes when I hear him say, “I love you so much, love bug.” She breaks out in a fit of giggles.
Then she sees me again and starts reaching out to me with her tiny hands.
“Mommy!” The way Gavin looks at me is almost enough to pick up my entire life.
I want this to be real. I would give anything to live here forever, but the dream starts to shake. The wind is picking up. The ground is coming apart. Gavin is running toward me. But he never gets to me because everything goes black as I wake up.
I shoot up, sitting in bed. Breathing rapidly, chest constricted, my face wet with tears running down my cheeks.
Getting blinded by the sun's rays coming in through my window. My chest is on fire. What I wouldn’t give to be that Juni in my dream.
Gives me hope to fuel my fire. If I can be strong and leave…
I would have that. I could spend the rest of my life being loved instead of living in fear.