Chapter Thirty
I’m stuck here, straddling my bike in her driveway.
Her discarded helmet is now in my hand. Trying really fucking hard to figure out how I’m supposed to walk away this time.
I don’t think I can. Unlocking and opening one of the saddlebags, I gently place the helmet inside.
As I shut and lock it, my mind is racing.
Lips burning, I continue to sit there for a few moments too long. Deciding I need to get out of here.
The bike rumbles under me. The vibration keeps me grounded. Peeling out of the trailer park, I keep riding, one destination in mind. “Last Resort - Reimagined” by Falling In Reverse Starts coming through my speakers. I keep telling myself I’m fine. But I’m not.
Anxiety is creeping in as I make my way to the artificial stone staircase.
This place is beautiful. I start working my body harder as I climb the stairs, I’d use the word stairs loosely.
There are parts I have physically pulled myself up to the next step.
It’s a full-on workout, but so worth it to get to the top.
I’ve been pushing myself to get to the top.
I take a deep breath as I finally see the clearing.
Thank fuck, because this is a lot harder than it used to be. I am older now, but still.
Finally reaching the top, I take a deep breath. Spring is around the corner, and I can’t wait for warmer weather. I might have to start bringing Charlie here for walks. They have an actual walking trail, but it’s not as exhilarating as the stairs.
Maybe I’ll extend the invite to Juni if she sees me again, that is. I have a feeling she’s going to push me back again. The push and pull isn’t her fault. It’s Reece’s if we want to point fingers. If he had treated her how he was supposed to, we wouldn’t be here.
Maybe this is fate’s fucked up way of apologizing for all of the bullshit.
I’m supposed to be her hero, but it can only happen if she wants to be saved.
And the back-and-forth shit isn’t her fault.
It’s mine. It all comes down to the moment I deemed myself unworthy of her; we could have had our happy ending.
I take a seat at the lip of the cliff and let my legs hang off the edge.
The sound of the rushing water is so soothing.
Taking a deep breath, I take in my surroundings: the rushing water and the birds chirping nearby.
Exhaustion hits, and I stand up, surprisingly feeling recharged mentally.
I make my way back down to my bike. It’s a forty-five-minute climb down, but it’s so worth it. I missed this place.
Throwing my leg over my bike, I sit there for a few minutes. Ready to get some fucking sleep, I start the bike. Not really caring what song my shuffle picks, I back out of the spot and take off to my house. I need sleep.
The twenty-minute drive feels like it flies by as I am backing into my garage. As tired as I am, I need to shower. Dried sweat coats my skin, and I just feel gross. Walking into the house, I start looking for Charlie. I find him sleeping on the couch.
“Daddy is sorry, buddy. Come on, Charlie, let’s go outside!
” I say as I come to sit next to him, giving him head pats.
Sprinting to the glass sliding door, he sits and waits for me.
I get up and slide the door open for him.
He disappears to his favorite part of the yard, not wasting much time, and he makes his way to the inside of the house.
“Come on, buddy. I need a shower and some sleep.”
Taking the stairs two at a time, it doesn't take long to make my way to my bedroom.
Making quick work of shedding all of the clothes, I throw them in the laundry basket on my way to the bathroom.
Pulling back the curtain, I turn the water on cold.
The cold water sinks into my heated skin, but it's not doing a damn thing to put out the fire.
I force myself to stay under the spray. My body is already taking control and doing what it wants anyway.
I press my head against the shower wall.
Allowing the water to beat down my back and closing my eyes as tight as I can.
My mind is being a traitorous ass bitch.
I start to picture Juni standing underwater with me.
This is the Juni in my dreams, the one that's mine.
Her eyes are bright and beautiful, heavy with lust. She's trembling from want, not from fear.
She takes a step toward me, her hands coming to my face again as she leans.
Before she can kiss me again, I growl, I am backing her against the wall with a little too much force.
But she knows it's out of love, and I would never fucking hurt her unless she asked me to. I’m a very passionate lover.
Gripping her hips, I forcefully lift her until her legs wrap tightly around my waist. Taking both her wrists, I pin them above our heads with one hand.
The other grabs her chin and makes her hazel-green eyes bore into me, “If you ever kiss me again when you are not mine to kiss… I swear to Christ, Juni, I’ll murder that mother fucker just so I can fuck you on top of his body while he bleeds out,” I say, sneering, as I say fuck it, you're mine anyway, and allow myself to sink into her.
As the daydream fog lifts, I realize what the fuck I’m doing.
My hands are slowly sliding down my stomach until I reach the base of my thickening cock.
The touch is electrifying. I’ve been worked up for hours now, and this is becoming so fucking painful.
Gasping, I yell at myself, “What the fuck is your problem, Gavin, huh?”
But I don’t answer myself, I’m too busy imagining that it’s not my hand with the death grip around my cock but hers. Like she knows she still owns it. My strokes are getting aggressive, but I can’t stop. The pressure starts to build at the base of my spine.
Her mouth invades my mind, and now she's on her knees in front of me.
Big hazel green eyes looking up at me with her small hands placed on my open tattooed thighs.
Her eyes widen at the sight of my Jacobs Ladder and Reverse Prince Albert.
I smirk. She's looking intrigued. Lowering her head to capture my tip, she freezes and sees the juniper branch tattooed right above where her hands are placed.
“Fuuuuck!” I yell as my body winds so tight, my orgasm blasting through me. Hot, thick ropes paint the shower floor; the water takes them away before my regret sinks in.
Quickly, I turn the water as hot as it’ll go. It’s all but scolding, but I need it. I make the shower as fucking fast as possible.
Slamming the shower off and tearing open the shower curtain, I grab my towel, drying off without looking at myself in the mirror.
Shame slams into me as I make my way to my bed. Without another thought, I lie down, cover myself with my comforter, and pass out.
I feel myself waking up, but I’m not in my bed; I’m in a kitchen that I’ve never been in before, but it feels like home.
A warm golden light floats by the kitchen window—dirty dishes by the sink.
My eyes start scanning the room. My heart feels like it's about to explode out of my chest. Juni is standing at the stove in my old I Prevail T-shirt, which is well-worn and comes down to her knees.
Her silky brown hair cascaded down her back. Looking so peaceful… so carefree.
My eyes bulge out of my head at the sight of the little girl sitting on the counter with a mixing bowl. They are making pancakes. I hear Juni whispering, “Love bug, can you hand me the chocolate chips? We will make them special for daddy?”
I really take her in while she sits there.
She looks like me, but she also looks so much like her mother.
Crazy, untamed curls that haven’t been brushed out yet, with big hazel-green eyes that widen with excitement.
“Daddy!” she yells as she spots me. jumping off the counter, she runs to me.
My knees all but give out under my own weight.
Without thinking, I catch her as she jumps into my arms. The scent of lavender is invading my senses… she smells just like her mother. “Good Morning, my Love Bug.” My emotions are making my voice crack, and I place a kiss on top of her head.
Her real name is Emma, but we call her Love Bug.
Juni makes her way to us, and I feel the roundness starting to form on her belly as she presses into me, like this is every typical Saturday morning.
“Good morning, Grav! We were just getting started on making the pancakes. We are making your favorite! She says, with the first genuine smile I’ve seen in years.
“Morning, любовь,” I whisper against her hair. Grabbing her chin, I kiss her. My chest aches as I see the pink spreading across her cheeks. Is she blushing?
Emma starts flailing her small body, trying to get down. As soon as her feet hit the ground, she’s pulling me to the back door. “Come on, Daddy! I want to play while mommy makes breakfast.”
Making our way out back as soon as it all comes into view, it's almost like a shot to the gut. It’s perfect out here.
The patio was littered with misshapen drawings and toys.
Wooden privacy fence surrounding the yard.
I see a toddler-sized Little Tikes slide perfectly placed under the tree.
Emma pulls her hand free from mine and runs to the slide, confidence covering her small face, as I watch her climb the little ladder.
Juni wraps her arms around me, sighing. "That's probably the best birthday gift we could have gotten her.”
“This life seems like it’s so perfect,” I say as my eyes meet hers. Her eyes are clear of fear, strong, loving… whole. “We did it любовь… we got what we always wanted.”
Emma’s laughter coming from the slide breaks the moment.
I take off running in the direction of Emma, and she starts to run as fast as her small legs can carry her.
I catch her lifting her as we start spinning until we are both laughing and dizzy.
Juni is watching from the patio, rubbing the small baby bump.
I blame myself. This could have been our life.
We could have made this dream a reality.
Suddenly, like a movie, everything starts to flicker, the ground breaking apart. My grip on Emma tightens, and my eyes search for Juni. “Daddy! Gavin!?”
“I’m sorry, Gavin, this is a dream… none of this is real.”
The green grass under my feet starts to fall away, and Emma slowly disappears from my arms. My frantic eyes meet Juni’s.
“I am going to make this happen one way or another, любовь! I promise!” I scream into the blackness taking over everything.
The yard, the house, my wife, my kids, they are all gone.
Running like I can fight back the darkness, as it continues to cover everything but me. Reminding me that if I don’t save her from Reece, we won’t have anything. I’ll never hear Emma call me daddy ever again. I’ll never meet the baby growing, protected in Juni’s belly. We won’t have anything.
Waking up, feeling like I’m thrashing violently in my bed…
but I’m not. Once again, I’m flat on my back looking blankly at my ceiling fan, carelessly spinning.
My cheeks are wet, but I can’t move my hands…
Am I crying? I don’t cry. The last time I cried was the day we lowered Isaiah into the ground.
My throat feels like I’ve swallowed glass.
Voice cracking, I say out loud, “Gavin, get yourself to-fucking-gether, what the actual fuck was that? And why are these dreams happening more often?” I try to move again, but can’t.
“FUCK ME” Lying still as the paralysis fades, I still feel paralyzed.
Still unable to move. Muscles drawn tight.
A thought comes to mind. I wonder if I’m affecting her as much as she's affecting me. Because Jesus Christ. I hope not.