Chapter Nine
TO: zachwilliams@
SUBJECT: (No Subject)
FROM: cordyreid@
i couldnt sleep last night so i looked up acadia. u werent kidding about it being the big time. i didnt know there was something that crazy so close to us.
9/4/2009
TO: cordyreid@
SUBJECT: Re: (No Subject)
FROM: zachwilliams@
Yeah, isn’t it cool? Here, I found this Flickr album from a wildlife photographer who put up a whole album just from Acadia. I really want to visit, but it’s about an 8 hour drive and we only have one car. Plus, my mom works overnights.
Anyway. Sorry you couldn’t sleep.
9/4/2009
TO: zachwilliams@
SUBJECT: Re: (No Subject)
FROM: cordyreid@
thats kind of cool that ur mom leaves u alone all the time.
rebecca and henry couldnt breathe more down my neck if they tried.
u know when i told henry i was going to off myself the first time his response was to send me to a summer camping program in vermont.
u know, for like, troubled teens or whatever. im so sick of this shithole house.
9/4/2009
TO: cordyreid@
SUBJECT: Re: (No Subject)
FROM: zachwilliams@
If you want to ever come over because you don’t want to be at home, you can. My mom works 4 days a week overnight and has three days off, so for the most part she’s kind of never home. But she always leaves money for dinner. Like, pizza or thai food, or whatever.
9/6/2009
TO: zachwilliams@
SUBJECT: Re: (No Subject)
FROM: cordyreid@
we should do it today. tonite. r&h are going to dinner with their rich friends and paige is staying late at school for the newspaper
9/6/2009
TO: cordyreid@
SUBJECT: Re: (No Subject)
FROM: zachwilliams@
What? Why tonight? No, I don’t think we should. What happened?
9/6/2009
TO: zachwilliams@
SUBJECT: Re: (No Subject)
FROM: cordyreid@
it literally doesnt matter to henry how much i am not on drugs or how hard i try to be normal.
my parents have paige babysitting my every fucking move w/o telling her why and all we do is argue anymore.
not that we got along great before this shit started but i swear all p and i do anymore is scream at each other.
i should have figured out a better way the first time.
im glad we r going to do it together because i dont want to fuck it up this time.
anyway shit just sucks ok
9/6/2009
TO: cordyreid@
SUBJECT: Re: (No Subject)
FROM: zachwilliams@
Do you think you could tell Paige about what happened?
I don’t think it’s fair that your parents want to keep that from her.
And I don’t think it’s fair that you’re expected to not talk about it with anyone.
Do you have a therapist or anything? I have one.
I’m not really good at talking to her though.
It’s kind of awkward. I don’t know if it helps but maybe it’ll help you?
Sorry. You should tell Paige.
9/6/2009
TO: zachwilliams@
SUBJECT: Re: (No Subject)
FROM: cordyreid@
being a reid means that in no way shape or form can u be as fucked up as i am and get away with it.
god theyre so worried about what people in town will think as if i dont already have the entire school talking every time i take a shit.
i cant tell paige because…… i dunno. every stupid fight this family has is about me and whether im on drugs or if weed counts as a drug or me failing school or me crashing the car or me not being respectful enough to henry and his dumb holier than thou academia macho bullshit.
just because hes a tenured professor or whatever and he expects me to be smart and good at shit.
why make paige stress about another fuckin thing wrong with me?
?? all of this is my fault anyway. i should just get it over with.
9/6/2009
TO: cordyreid@
SUBJECT: Re: (No Subject)
FROM: zachwilliams@
I don’t think it’s your fault. But I think her not knowing is stressing her out.
She seemed pretty worried when she asked me if I knew whether or not you were on drugs.
Like, I think she can tell that something is wrong.
And she doesn’t know what it is. By the way, you’re not, right?
On drugs, I mean. Because I told her you’re not on drugs.
I know weed is a drug, but it’s not the same as something, like, I don’t know, hard drugs. You’re not on hard drugs are you?
Don’t answer that.
9/7/2009
TO: zachwilliams@
SUBJECT: Re: (No Subject)
FROM: cordyreid@
fuck u im not on fucking drugs. smoking A LITTLE BIT of weed makes me feel halfway normal. the meds the drs switched me to in the psych ward make me want to sleep all the time.
so whats your damage really? why did u write that note. and don’t just be vague like u did the other day. why do u want to join the dead boys club?
9/7/2009
TO: cordyreid@
SUBJECT: Re: (No Subject)
FROM: zachwilliams@
The dead boys club?? We’re not calling it that.
I don’t know. I know that’s probably not an interesting answer, but I think it’s the closest to the truth.
Officially, I’ve been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and depression, but I don’t think that’s really it.
I think if you have an anxiety disorder, the medication should work more than it does for me.
I feel like I’m an alien half the time. All the things that other people can do, I can’t.
“Anxiety” doesn’t even cover it. It’s like I’m paralyzed.
I don’t have any friends. Except for Isaac and he’s only my friend because he’s my neighbor.
I’ve spent the last however many years in school with the same people and haven’t been able to find common ground with anyone.
Nobody even notices me enough to bully me. That would be human contact, at least.
You know, when I tried to ask Paige to the eighthgrade dance? I couldn’t even get the words out. She just looked at me like I had two heads.
I don’t even know if I really want to kill myself. I think everyone sometimes wants to not exist or feels like nothing would matter if they disappeared. My mom would probably be better off if she wasn’t working such a crap job just to take care of me.
I don’t know.
9/7/2009
TO: zachwilliams@
SUBJECT: Re: (No Subject)
FROM: cordyreid@
yeah… i know how u feel.
i mean i think my entire family would be better off without me. except MAYBE the cat. u say ‘i dont know’ but u wrote a note. u wanted to like… not be here anymore.
dont hedge around it like i’ll infect u with Suicide Disease if u talk about it with me. dont make me feel like the only freak thinking about killing himself.
btw yes i remember u trying to ask paige to a dance and im very graciously not beating ur ass for it.
9/7/2009
TO: cordyreid@
SUBJECT: Re: (No Subject)
FROM: zachwilliams@
That’s not what I mean. Okay, yes. I did write the note.
I do feel those things. I took the note, and I went to the train tracks, and I stood there for a while.
All summer I’d memorized the train schedule.
I was really tired, and I couldn’t stop thinking that maybe everything would be better if it all just stopped.
But then I thought about my mom and I couldn’t do it.
Some guy walking his dog thought I didn’t know there was a train coming.
I was so embarrassed at the thought of someone watching me do something like that. So, I left.
9/8/2009
TO: zachwilliams@
SUBJECT: Re: (No Subject)
FROM: cordyreid@
ur mom is spending all this time and money on making sure u are a normal kid and u still went and stood in front of a train.
i guess we’re not all that different considering rebecca and henry have tried everything from therapy to rehab.
and here i am, still, sending u this email.
i should be pissed but its funny. u and me.
9/8/2009
TO: cordyreid@
SUBJECT: Re: (No Subject)
FROM: zachwilliams@
I guess when you put it like that, you’re right. We’re kind of stuck in the same boat.
Are you going to the Oktoberfest carnival?
Isaac’s mom talked to my mom and now they want us both to go.
But I hate crowds. And carnivals specifically are incredibly suspect.
They build those rides right on the spot, did you know that?
Anything could go wrong. I just hate disappointing my mom by not being able to do normal things like go to carnivals.
P.S., I don’t know why they bother calling it Oktoberfest when it does not take place in October.
9/9/2009
TO: zachwilliams@
SUBJECT: Re: (No Subject)
FROM: cordyreid@
paige is going with her newspaper friends but rebecca and henry wont let me go unless its with p. ne way carnivals aren’t really my thing. btw are you in mr grants history class? what were the chapters for the hw?
9/9/2009
TO: cordyreid@
SUBJECT: Re: (No Subject)
FROM: zachwilliams@
Chapters 3 and 4. Write a summary, too. He collects summaries on Fridays.