Chapter 30
I put effort into my appearance before I set off to Families United. Maybe it’s because I haven’t dressed up in a long time and I miss the thrill of it. Or maybe it’s because being in a room full of strangers without something like my books to hide behind is terrifying.
You can do this, I think as I stare myself down in the mirror. The motivation is enough to push me to leave my bedroom and head downstairs.
On the drive to Saddleforth, I blast the radio.
A pop song I’ve never heard before fills my car, the autotuned voice and electronic beat the opposite of anything I usually listen to, but it’s loud enough to drown out the voices in my head.
Even the sneakiest ones that ask if I’ve stopped to think what it will feel like to be surrounded by people talking openly about their loss.
Twenty-five minutes later, I pull into the car park beside Saddleforth Community Hall. The squat one-storey building is a prime example of the ugliest version of sixties architecture. I don’t need to go inside to know that the venue will be draughty and poorly insulated.
From the safety of my car, I watch a couple in their mid-twenties head towards the building, hand in hand.
They must be going to Families United too, I realise. Suddenly, all confidence that I can go through with this fades. Tonight, there will be no hiding from the truth. There will be no pretending that I am okay. No acting as if my story follows a different path.
Tonight, I will have no choice but to stare into the face of what has happened.
That thought is almost enough to make me back out of my parking space and zoom in the opposite direction, but then I remember that I’m not here for myself. I’m here for Alexa. So, I sit and wait for Gabby to arrive.
When she calls fifteen minutes later, I pounce on my phone.
‘Janine,’ she whispers like she’s trying not to be overheard. ‘I’m really sorry, but I can’t get to the meeting.’
Inside my chest, my heart stops. ‘What?’
‘It’s the police,’ Gabby says, talking while walking. I hear a door close behind her. ‘The search went on for longer than I thought, and now they’re asking Otis all kinds of questions. As a friend and a lawyer, I can’t leave him to face this alone.’
‘But I’m at the meeting. I’m in my car, waiting for you.’
‘I know, I feel awful, but you’re going to have to go in on your own.’
My mouth gapes. ‘What?’
‘Please. I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important.’
‘Gabby,’ I snap, my cheeks burning with indignation. ‘You can’t be serious. You can’t do this to me.’
‘I didn’t do it on purpose, I promise! If I could be there, I would.’
I can’t help but snort at this. ‘There is no way on this earth I am going into that meeting alone. I’m going home.’
‘Janine, please,’ Gabby pleads. ‘You’ve seen Alexa’s diary. You know there’s something going on. The meeting could be the core of it all. We have to find out if it is.’
My eyes dart to the open door of the community hall.
The warm, inviting light tells me that Gabby is right: Alexa’s secrets could be traced back to there.
If we want to know what’s happened to her, I need to go inside.
But the thought of entering that room on my own and hearing those people talk about grief…
‘Gabby, I can’t. I—’
‘Please,’ Gabby cuts in. ‘I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t desperate, and I’m as desperate as they come. If you won’t do it for me, do it for Alexa. Things here… they’re not good, Janine. I’m worried. We need to find her. Fast.’
It’s those words that push me to swallow my apprehension, unclip my seatbelt and leave my car.