Chapter 4
Iawoke the next morning to Leif rubbing his hand up and down my arm.
Although I hated the way he kept me a prisoner in his keep, I couldn’t deny the way his touch awoke every nerve ending in my body.
As much as I yearned to hate him, I also ached for any kind of touch, regardless of its origin.
It was a difficult and complicated emotion to come to terms with.
He kissed a trail up my neck. “Good morning, my heart. How did you sleep?”
The air in my lungs froze at his question, and his kisses stopped at my unnatural reaction. “Okay, I suppose,” I forced out, my voice still gravely with sleep.
He leaned in, breathing me in. “As much as I would love to continue this, I’ve got an early meeting. But we will pick this up later.”
He rose from the bed, pulling on his breeches.
“What meeting?” I inquired, realizing suddenly how little I knew about what Leif did all day.
I’d been so consumed, wallowing in my own unhappiness and depression, that I’d paid very little attention to everything around me the past three fortnights.
As I came to that realization, it was like taking a breath after being underwater for so long.
Although my heart still ached, and I was still sad about everything I’d lost, I knew it was time to move forward.
I was Runa Wormwald, a woman who survived the Purge, being discarded by her brother, and bonded to a man by force. I was constantly underestimated—tossed aside—to the detriment of those around me. I could escape one misguided man.
I would escape one misguided man.
I would live the life I deserved.
“With General Ryle.” Leif’s gaze was focused on the mirror as he fastened the gold buttons on his coat. He’d taken to wearing the same style his father once clothed himself in, something that drew a shudder from me.
I rose from the bed, pulling a robe over my nightgown. The plans I had today did not involve a dress. I feigned interest, desperate to glean as much information as possible. “Are things better at the frontlines?”
Leif shook his head before turning toward me, placing a peck on my forehead before walking to the door. “Nothing for you to worry about, my heart. You just rest, okay?”
I nodded, waiting until the door snicked shut behind him to jump into action.
First, I dug through Leif’s closet for a pair of breeches, relishing in the way they felt as I yanked them up my legs.
While I loved having the opportunity to wear dresses, I’d been raised in pants, and nothing would ever feel more right on my body.
I laced them up, the waist bunching as I pulled the laces as tight as they would go.
Though I wasn’t too much shorter than Leif, I’d lost a little weight, but the breeches would have to do.
Digging into the back of his closet, I found a loose long-sleeved white shirt, slipping it on before admiring myself in the mirror. Despite the weight loss, something was still off.
I reached back into the closet before deciding it was better to destroy one of my dresses instead of one of Leif’s shirts.
It didn’t take me long to rip the garment into a piece long enough to bind my breasts.
It was now the breeding season in Heimland, almost half a year since I’d dressed this way, but when I looked in the mirror, a sense of calm washed over me. I felt safe.
I felt like myself.
I deceived an entire town. Surely I could deceive a few servants.
Selecting a hair ribbon from Leif’s collection, I tied my hair back at the nape of my neck as most of the men in Heimland did. It was a blessing that Leif had insisted I cut it. While men typically wore their hair long, women’s hair was notably longer.
The person staring back at me in the mirror wasn’t quite the woman who had left her home in Ralheim dressed as her brother, but it was close enough to bring me comfort.
Taking a deep breath and forcing myself to move before I could lose my nerve, I pulled the door open and strode into the common area.
There were no servants here, but I knew there should be at least one guard posted outside the door to our bedroom.
Still, I didn’t let the fear crowd my mind at the fact that he wasn’t here, forcing the feelings down as I pushed open the exterior door to our rooms, walking out with my shoulders back and head held high.
As expected, there were two guards stationed on either side of the exterior door to our set of rooms. I didn’t make eye contact. I didn’t even glance in their direction; I strutted forward, as if I belonged there.
One of the guards cleared his throat, but I didn’t spare a glance over my shoulder. I just kept walking, waiting for a hand to reach out and stop me.
It never came.
I was free.
Okay, not free free, but free of my room at least. I didn’t waste the opportunity I’d been given, immediately heading straight for where I’d found Friar the day before.
She’d better be working on my potion, or else.
The door to Friar’s room was open a crack, and it was easy for me to slip inside.
I stood with my back to the wall, watching Friar as she stirred a large pot situated over the fireplace in the room.
When she finally looked up, she did a double take at my appearance, dropping the ladle into the liquid with a splash.
“Runa?” she hissed, unease rolling off of her.
I grinned, my hands clasped behind my back as I meandered over to her, keeping my empathy magic alert. “My potion, I presume?”
“Yes.” She didn’t look annoyed, but I could feel it. Her eyes crept another glance at how I was dressed. “Runa, can you please wait on whatever you are trying to do until my plan is ready?”
I shook my head, Otho’s words floating through my mind. “I fight for myself.” Maybe it was because I’d seen him the night before in my dreams, or whatever that weird place in my mind was, but I was full of a confidence I hadn’t possessed the day before.
I would not stick around to be Leif’s pawn. Nor would I be Friar’s.
“I need you to tell me where Collum is.”
Friar sighed, setting the spoon on the table next to the fireplace before grabbing a jar from one of the shelves and walking to the door. “I was about to visit her anyway. Come on.”
I followed in silence. The air between Friar and I hung with something heavy, and I wondered when things between us had changed.
Before being forced to bond with Leif, I’d felt we were becoming friends.
Now, I wasn’t sure if that was still the case.
And I was wondering if the friendship I’d thought we were forming was more of a result of her knowing me to be her brother’s weighted but being forbidden from sharing that information.
“I’m sorry I forced you into coming here.” The apology was out of my mouth before I’d even finished thinking as our shoes echoed on the stone floor.
Friar stopped in her tracks, spinning to face me, her eyes wide. “Oh, Runa, this isn’t your fault at all.”
“Yes, it is,” I argued. “I asked for you, as part of the agreement of the forced bonding.”
Friar shook her head. “I know you don’t understand now, and I can’t tell you anything more, but I’m supposed to be here.” Her gaze darted both ways down the hall, checking to see if anyone was listening in, before she resumed her walking once more. “Come on. Collum is probably waiting.”
My brows furrowed as Friar guided me around the corner, stopping at the first wooden door. I made a mental note so I would be able to find my way here again. She rapped her knuckles on the door three times. “Collum, it’s me.”
The door swung open, revealing my cousin, and though there wasn’t a smile on her face, she looked so much better than the last time I’d seen her. I couldn’t resist sweeping her into a hug. She felt thinner in my arms, and her skin wasn’t quite back to its luscious sheen, but her eyes were bright.
“Runa,” she whispered into my hair, her hand going to the back of my head. “You came for me.”
I nodded, forcing back tears. “I tried to take you with me before but—”
She shushed me. “I understand.” We broke from our hug, Friar passing the jar to Collum as my anxiety flared. I remembered another time, another place, when my cousin had caused a lot of trouble with something taken from the healer’s quarters.
“Collum.” My voice contained a note of warning.
“It’s for me,” she promised, though her gaze still rested on Friar. “I’m not reading to the servants anymore. I promise.”
I still didn’t believe her, even as my empathy gift revealed she was telling the truth. Regardless, I didn’t want to discuss that now and instead launched into the real reason I’d come to see her. “I need to know what books they have here.”
She arched one of her blonde brows, her blue eyes sparkling.
“Finally wanting to get your hands on more magic, I see?” she teased, but her smile didn’t reach her eyes.
Although I would never wish illness on anyone, I had hoped it would lead my cousin to change.
So far, it wasn’t looking promising if all my cousin thought of was still how much magic she could attain.
I played into her suggestion, knowing it would get me further than my true purpose for wanting to know what books were available.
“Things are bad at the front; I need to know what tools we have at our disposal.”
Collum’s eyes flickered to Friar, and I knew I wasn’t privy to information both of them shared. “I didn’t realize you were on Malheim’s side.”
“I’m not.” I crossed my arms over my chest. “I’m on my own side. I need to know what tools are available.”
Collum frowned and moved toward her bed. “You’re married to a Viscount, Runa. You made it, just relax for now and we will let you know when there is something you can do.”