Chapter 20 #2
“It’s not that.” It was hard to breathe, my chest tight even though I’d left my vials of belladonna in the tent. “I’m . . . afraid, often, that my emotions will anger or…inconvenience others.”
Askel motioned for me to continue, but I knew I needed to approach the subject a different way.
“It’s like you with . . . magic. How do you voice what you want when you know Otho is against it?”
He scoffed. “I don’t.”
“Then we are the same then.” I sighed.
“Runa, I’m not sure I’m following you here. What do you and Otho see differently about?”
“Leif.” I couldn’t keep looking in Askel’s eyes and fixed my gaze on the tree in front of us instead.
“Otho thought I would be so happy he’s gone but .
. .” I lifted my hand. “I still feel some sadness. After everything he did to me, yes, I wish I never would have been forced to bond him. But at the end of the day, we all make mistakes and . . . he was my friend and we had some good moments. I . . . didn’t wish death upon him. ”
“I understand.”
“You do?” My mood shifted at his positive response.
“I do. Life isn’t always right or wrong, Runa.
You and I both know that.” He tilted his head back, and I wished we weren’t under the coverage of the trees so I could see the twin moons in the sky.
“I know magic does a lot of bad, and it has brought people harm. But I believe the true purpose of magic, as a form of knowledge, is a great equalizer and I’m disappointed I wasn’t given the opportunity to learn it.
To be a part of a positive future for the Seid. ”
I nodded. “Me too, Askel. But I don’t think there’s any way for any of us to have magic without having someone who uses it for malicious purposes.”
“I know you’re right,” Askel admitted. “But I also know that no matter what, we won’t rid the world of magic completely. Someone is out there, writing these books, and unless we stop them, and wherever the magic comes from, it will always be there, and I will always wish that I had some.”
I reached out my hand, resting it on Askel’s shoulder. “And I will always wish there were ways to solve problems that didn’t involve killing or death, even if someone else thinks that person deserved it.”
“And there’s the impasse.” Askel breathed, allowing the silence to sit between us for a few moments before speaking again.
“For what it’s worth, I know Otho only goes crazy over this stuff because the bond makes him.
The bond doesn’t want any harm to come to you, and it puts pressure on him when you’re in danger. ”
A frown stole over my lips. “But why don’t I feel the same way for him?”
“Because you’ve never seen him in danger,” Askel answered without hesitating.
“I also think the bond itself creates a blurred mental area. We are told as kids that weighteds are meant to be tied together to be an asset both to one another and to the greater good—two halves of a whole. But what happens when that bond is so focused on protecting both aspects of itself that it may cause harm to the greater good?”
All words escaped me, and it was all I could to do to try to wrap my head around what Askel was saying. “I think you’re right,” I said at last. “I need to think about this more, and tell Otho how I’m feeling about Leif’s death, even if it brings him to anger.”
“Happy I could help.” Askel rose from the dirt, brushing himself off, before ducking into the trees and out of sight.
I didn’t rush back to the tent. Although I now knew what I had to do, thanks to Askel’s advisement, it didn’t make it any easier.
Otho was lying on his bedroll, his arms bent at the elbow, creating a rest for his head, when I finally returned to camp.
“Otho?” I breathed, and his gaze turned to me. “Can we talk?”
“Always,” he answered, patting the bedroll beside him.
Something about the sight of the enclosed tent, and the idea of baring something so personal while lying on my back made me uneasy. I pointed to the trees where I’d come from instead. “I’d prefer if we talked out here.”
He didn’t argue, rising to follow her like a silent shadow as I returned to where I’d been sitting with Askel.
“I wish I could see the moons,” I said as I sat back down, my chin tilted to the covering of trees above our heads.
It was dark. The moons always started their journeys on opposite horizons, rising in sync to cross at the middle of the sky before finishing the journey on the opposite side than where they started.
“Soon,” Otho promised. “As we near Shianp, the trees will thin, as they’ve been used to supply the town with wood for years. Now . . .” His gray eyes turned and focused on me. “What is bothering you, Runa?”
My fingers picked at each other as I fought to quell my nerves, but it was useless.
I lay back so that I was lying on the ground, trying to ground myself, and Otho followed suit.
Although we were about to have a serious conversation, I felt more at ease out in the open than I did in the tent.
“I need to tell you how I feel . . . about what happened in Malheim. Please promise me you will listen without getting angry.”
“I will try.” His hand settled on where mine were twisting in my lap, calm spreading through me.
“I . . . don’t like that you killed Leif.
I know you see him as the enemy, but he wasn’t that to me.
” Otho was silent and I could tell he was itching to say something.
“I know it doesn’t make sense, but you don’t simply cut someone you once cared for out of your heart in an instant.
I know I will get over it eventually, but he was a friend and .
. .” I held up my hand so he could see my scar.
“We were bonded, for a time. It’s not easy to let that go. ”
Otho tucked the hand with the scar in his. “But he hurt you.”
“I know.” I pinched my eyes shut. “I know this doesn’t really make sense, but although he hurt me, losing him hurt, too.”
“If it makes you feel better, I wasn’t the one to end him,” Otho admitted with a sigh. The words were sharp in the silence and my breath caught in my throat. “Friar told me. I suspect she was the one to do it.”
I released the air trapped in my chest. It didn’t lessen the pain of knowing he was gone, but I did feel relief knowing the Otho hadn’t dealt the killing blow.
My thoughts and feelings on Friar bubbled to the surface—her making promises on my behalf and hiding things from me—but they were too twisted to unravel right now.
This conversation was about Leif, not Otho’s sister.
“That does make me feel better,” I replied, “I think it’s the same as Collum. Do I trust her? No. Do I want to spend a lot of time with her? Not anymore. But I do still care for her, and I don’t wish her ill.”
“I understand, Runa. You don’t have to convince me.” He squeezed the hand grasped in his before lifting it to his lips to place a kiss on the back.
With those words, it was as if a weight I had been carrying on my shoulders finally loosened and I couldn’t resist rolling over to press my lips to Otho’s.
One thing led to another, and soon we were both breathing heavily on the forest floor as our hands roamed each other’s bodies.
“We should move this to the tent,” Otho suggested between kisses, his lips trailing down my neck to the collar of my shirt.
“But they might hear us,” I whispered.
“Runa, I hate to break it to you, but they’ll definitely be able to hear us here, and I’m reasonably certain they heard us that night in the inn.”
I groaned. “You’ve got to be kidding me.” One look at Otho’s expression revealed that was not the case and I rushed to extract myself from him and rose to my feet. “Race you to the tent!”
I don’t know where the energy came from, after a day of hiking and the emotional stress of revealing my inner turmoil to both Otho and Askel, but I was able to jog through the trees with ease, the sound of Otho’s heavier footfalls drawing closer with each step.
We hadn’t gone far, however, and it was easy for me to dive into the tent before Otho, even if he did join me a mere breath later.
He didn’t waste any time peeling the clothes from my body, the temperature inside the tent increasing as he took one of my nipples into his mouth.
My hands tangled in his hair as he worked his way lower, his tongue finding the spot between my legs that ached for him.
Though I’d told myself I’d at least try to stay quiet, I gave up when he pressed one of his fingers into my center, curling it as his mouth sucked on my clit.
I came with a yell, only to blush when groans of annoyance arose from outside the tent.
“Not again.”
“This is even worse than the inn,” someone else mumbled.
Otho didn’t seem to hear them as he worked his way back up my body, his lips pressing against mine once more.
When he noticed my hesitation to continue, he said, “They’re already awake now, might as well enjoy each other a little more.”
I nodded my agreement as he parted my legs and lined himself up. When he slid inside, my heart rejoiced, reminding me that there was still a magical bond that fueled these feelings between us.
Regardless, I knew that even if we hadn’t been weighted, I would have found myself attracted to and probably in love with Otho anyway.
Because I loved the way his eyes sparkled as he thrusted into me, making us one.
The way his arms shook as he neared his own climax, and how he slowed his thrusts to press his thumb to my clit to ensure I climaxed a second time.
And most of all, I loved the way he shouted my name when he finally came.