Chapter 12
Chapter Twelve
‘What do you mean you want a divorce?’ Rob was completely and utterly shocked to the core. Which in turn shocked me to the core. How could he be so clueless? After everything. Years of just nothingness. Surely he must have had some inclination.
‘I’m not happy, Rob. And I haven’t been for a long time. I’m sorry.’ I stood on the landing in the hall outside his bedroom as he sat on the bed where he slept alone every night. Was he living on a different planet to me?
‘I don’t know what more you could want.’ He threw his arms up in temper.
It was so incredulous, I almost laughed. Almost – it was far too serious a matter for that. I took a few deep breaths, battling to maintain my composure.
‘We live like brother and sister. In fact, brother and sister have more in common than we do. It’s been years since there’s been anything between us.
We’re stuck in a rut that’s so deep; we’re suffocating in the soil that’s covering us.
I’m sorry. I’m not going to change my mind; I want a divorce. ’ I couldn’t make it any clearer.
He opted for a different approach.
‘The grass isn’t greener on the other side, Lucy. We have a good life together. I admit, it’s not the most exciting life, but no marriage is exciting after seven years.’ It was a poor attempt to persuade me.
‘We have a good life because I work hard for it,’ I said to him quietly.
‘There you go again, throwing it in my face because you earn more than me. I knew you’d bring that up,’ he retorted, throwing his hands dramatically into the air.
‘I’m not talking about money. I’m talking about the way I prepare dinner, ensure the house is clean, that your shirts are ironed, that the bills are paid, that we socialise at weekends, that we go on holiday.
You never actually WANT to do anything. I always have to instigate everything.
I’m your mother and your PA rolled into one, organising your life and picking up after you. ’
He flinched, but it was only the truth. I’d kept it bottled up for too long and it all burst out like a bomb.
‘Well, what if I don’t want a divorce?’ He crossed his arms over his chest. ‘I’m happy with the way things are.’
‘Of course you’re fucking happy.’ I blew out a breath.
Heat coloured my cheeks. I rubbed my temple as a vein pumped furiously.
‘Why wouldn’t you be? You’ve a great life, watching Sky fucking Sports all weekend, throwing your empty cans of Stella at your arse while I run around after you wondering quietly if you should be STUDYING,’ my voice cracked, tinged with hysteria.
It was futile, he refused to even acknowledge our problems.
‘I need to get out of this house, and I need to get out of this marriage before I say or do something I regret. I don’t want this to be any harder than it’s undoubtedly going to be, Rob, but it’s over between us.
I’m sorry if it’s not what you want to hear.
But I have to do what’s right for me for a change. ’
Anger seeped from my body as quickly as it came, replaced with a deep sense of sadness at the entire situation.
Nobody set out to get divorced.
A sinking sense of failure enveloped me, even with the knowledge that it was the right thing.
Eventually, Rob would realise it was right too, when he found someone that would really and truly love him and he would really and truly love in return.
I slumped on to the couch downstairs and sobbed my heart out. Cried for myself, cried for Rob, cried at my lost youth, at the fact I’d got married so young in the first place. That I would have this hanging over me for the rest of my life.
It was something I couldn’t undo. I hated hurting him, and I hated that I was the one giving up and breaking the vows.
It certainly wasn’t my intention. If only I could go back in time, I wouldn’t have rushed in and married him in the first place.
As the sun set, I reflected on simpler times, wondering how we had ended up living as two complete strangers. It was only a matter of time before one of us fell in love with somebody else, because we certainly weren’t in love with each other.
My mother warned me years ago that somebody else would turn my head.
I immediately dismissed it, the last thing I ever wanted was another man.
I thought it was ridiculous at the time, reluctant to take romantic advice from her.
She had dreadful taste in men. But my God, she was right.
She knew me better than I had given her credit for.
Rob didn’t emerge from his bedroom after our conversation. The guilt ate away at me, but at least it was out in the open. I decided to leave him to think things over for a few days and see how he felt when the dust settled.
I was too immersed in my own thoughts to talk to John that night, wishing to grieve the end of an era in peace. He might misunderstand my sorrow. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to leave, to begin a new chapter of my life. It was just that I felt awful, my happiness was costing Rob his.